Forty names, games, teams and minutiae making news in college sports (athletic directors on surf boards sold separately in Hawaii). First Quarter: Twelve (Or More) Angry People.
Second Quarter: It’s Campaign Season, Time to Get Negative
Deep in an election cycle, the last thing any of us needs is more political ads. But as one campaign (mercifully) approaches closure, the next one will begin—the race for College Football Playoff spots.
The first rankings will be released election night, which is either an astonishingly myopic decision or savvy counterprogramming, depending on your level of interest in who is the next president of the United States. Either way, it got The Dash thinking of how the conferences might attempt to swing hearts and minds in their favor—or against the opposition. Let’s roll the video on some attack ads:
SEC (13)
Ad opens with video montage of touchdowns and quarterback sacks from the Georgia Bulldogs pummeling the Clemson Tigers, the Texas Longhorns routing the Michigan Wolverines, the Alabama Crimson Tide rolling past the Wisconsin Badgers, the Tennessee Volunteers smashing the North Carolina State Wolfpack and the LSU Tigers dispatching the UCLA Bruins.
Voice-over from the “It Just Means More” woman, Wynn Everett: “We’re bigger and better than ever. Which is why middle-class Americans—and super-rich donors—deserve to see five SEC teams in the College Football Playoff. Four straight national champions from 2019–22 speak louder than the lies and distortions you hear from other leagues.”
Ad switches to unflattering, black-and-white still-photo montage of snarling Miami Hurricanes fans, dorky BYU Cougars students and a Pat Narduzzi sideline rage shot. It includes video of the Northern Illinois Huskies shocking Notre Dame. Back to Everett voice-over: “Other leagues that have expanded with no respect for borders are trying to fool hard-working Americans. They want you to believe they play good football, too. They think you won’t remember what you saw with your own eyes. Don’t give the inferior ACC and Big 12 multiple bids, and don’t give Notre Dame a pass for losing to a MAC team. Those are handouts they don’t deserve, and they’ll lead to uncompetitive games.” Video shows final scores from Georgia-TCU Horned Frogs championship game in January 2023 and LSU-Clemson in ’20.
(Oddly, there is no negative imagery or words directed at Big Ten schools.)
Ad concludes with tightly smiling SEC commissioner Greg Sankey walking across a confetti-strewn field in a quarter zip—always a quarter zip—as fans from all 16 league schools chant, “SEC! SEC! SEC!”
Sankey looks in the camera and says, “Give us five bids, selection committee. Or we’ll send the Texas A&M corps of cadets to invade your boardroom.”
Paid for by Friends of Finebaum Super PAC, Burke Magnus treasurer.
Big Ten (14)
Ad opens with soaring music playing over video of the Michigan Wolverines celebrating their national championship in January. (Though none of it shows Jim Harbaugh for some reason.) It then jump cuts to overhead shots of the packed stadiums of the Ohio State Buckeyes and Penn State Nittany Lions, followed by video of the Oregon Duck on a motorcycle in Autzen Stadium.
Voice-over from Joel Klatt: “The biggest and best conference in America has great teams from sea to sea, time zone to time zone, so many we can’t even keep track of them all. This is a four-bid league, no questions asked—but if you do ask, Curt Cignetti will answer.” Cut to a video clip of the Indiana Hoosiers coach saying last winter: “I win. Google me.”
Ad switches to ominous music and harsh images of Big 12 commissioner Brett Yormark and ACC commissioner Jim Phillips, plus the same video the SEC used of Northern Illinois beating Notre Dame. Klatt: “Other conferences are running false, misleading ads portraying our league as top-heavy. They’re desperately trying to undercut us, because they have no positive message of their own. One school that always seeks preferential treatment is even trying to deny that it actually lost to a MAC opponent.” Ad cuts to video of Florida State and Oklahoma State ineptitude, and their dismayed fans.
(Oddly, there is no negative imagery or words directed at SEC schools.)
Ad concludes with commissioner Tony Petitti standing in a field, amid amber waves of grain. “We’re graciously only demanding four bids, a very reasonable request. And we have every confidence that the Michigan Man chairing the selection committee (Wolverines AD Warde Manuel) will do the right thing.”
Paid for by Big Noon Super PAC, Mark Silverman treasurer.
ACC (15)
Ad airs primarily on The CW. It opens with video of Miami quarterback Cam Ward throwing a laser against Florida, then Pittsburgh quarterback Eli Holstein scrambling against West Virginia, then SMU scoring 66 on TCU. (Clemson is left out of the highlight package for some reason.) Voice-over from Michael Irvin: “The ACC is having a great season, if only the corrupt polls and networks would acknowledge it. Miami should be ranked No. 1, Clemson should be in the top five, Pitt in the top 10 and SMU in the top 15. Thankfully, the committee will recognize that we have four playoff-caliber teams.”
Ad switches to black-and-white photo of Sankey and Petitti together, grinning, with the words “TOO EXTREME” overlaid in large red letters. Irvin: “The SEC and Big Ten are colluding against us. They’re too power-hungry to care about ordinary fans like us. They’re threatening competitive balance and trying to take away our rights. Don’t let them get away with it.”
Ad concludes with an apron-wearing Phillips working in a soup kitchen, then looking in the camera and saying, “Lawsuits aside, the ACC stands united against the aggressors from the SEC and Big Ten, not to mention the very ordinary Big 12. We respectfully ask for our fair share of playoff bids.”
Paid for by SMU Billionaires Super PAC, Eric Dickerson treasurer.
Big 12 (16)
Ad opens with the Iowa State Cyclones kicking the winning field goal against the Iowa Hawkeyes and celebrating. It then cuts to BYU rejoicing after beating SMU. Then the Arizona State Sun Devils pummeling the Mississippi State Bulldogs. Then Deion Sanders standing on the sideline like the coolest guy in college football. Coach Prime on the voice-over: “We ain’t hard to find, except in the polls. Why are BYU and Iowa State not ranked higher? Why is Kansas State way down at No. 17? Why are we No. 23? We don’t need Texas and Oklahoma. We’ve got a lot of Louie in this league, come see it.”
Ad switches to black-and-white, slow-motion video of Connor Stalions on the Michigan sideline, standing near Sherrone Moore. Then it cuts to Georgia players being arrested for reckless driving. Voice-over from Yormark himself: “Other leagues will stop at nothing to win, and they expect ordinary Americans to go along with it. Their extreme agendas must be stopped.”
Ad concludes with Yormark in a suit and tie sitting in a boardroom, with an “Open For Business” sign and Big 12 logo behind him. “We’ve survived betrayal and abandonment and come back stronger. We will eventually take Florida State and Clemson from the failing ACC. But for now, we’re coming for multiple playoff bids. Do not make the Mormons mad, committee, because they will find your email addresses.”
Paid for by Magnolia Network Super PAC, Chip Gaines treasurer.
The Mountain West (17) and American Athletic Conference (18) Joint Ad
These spots are expensive, so the two leagues have gone in together to share costs. It opens with Ashton Jeanty galloping across the blue turf against the Washington State Cougars, then cuts to the Army Black Knights running the option down Lehigh’s throat. Then the UNLV Rebels beating the Kansas Jayhawks and the Memphis Tigers beating Florida State. Random voice-over guy: “There is quality football beyond the so-called Power 4. We have the Heisman Trophy front-runner in the Mountain West and one of just two teams that haven’t trailed all season in the American. Don’t limit us to one Group of 5 bid, make it two and take both league champions.”
Ad cuts to an unsmiling, black-and-white picture collage of Sankey, Petitti, Phillips and Yormark, with the ESPN and Fox logos superimposed behind them. Voice-over: “The power leagues are being controlled by the networks. They don’t care about the hard-working Americans in other conferences who are doing more with less. They don’t want to give us an opportunity to compete, but we’re fighting back against tyranny.”
Ad closes with commissioners Gloria Nevarez and Tim Pernetti striding toward each other for a power handshake somewhere in middle America. Nevarez: “The Mountain West is coming for a bid.” Pernetti: “So is the American.” Together: “Two bids for two leagues. Fight the power.”
Paid for by the Craig Thompson/Mike Aresco Legacy Super PAC, Kellen Moore and Roger Staubach treasurers.
Pac-12 (19)
Ad is only airing on select gas pumps in the Pacific Northwest. It opens with Washington State Cougars quarterback John Mateer running for touchdowns against the Texas Tech Red Raiders and Washington Huskies, then cuts to an obligatory shot of the Oregon State Beavers running onto the field, then back to the Wazzu flag flying at an ESPN College GameDay locale. Voice-over from Ryan Leaf: “We were left for dead, but Cougars don’t die easily. At 7–1, we deserve a top-15 ranking at least from the CFP committee.”
Ad cuts to grainy video of moving trucks, then shows the logos of all the Pac-12 schools who left. Voice-over: “Does the committee really want to reward the treasonous schools that tried to destroy us? Do the Big Ten, ACC and Big 12 really deserve multiple bids after doing their best to wreck an entire region of the country?”
Ad closes with commissioner Teresa Gould standing on a barren hill in the Palouse: “We’re coming back stronger in the future after raiding the hell out of the Mountain West. But the comeback starts now with Washington State. Put the Cougs in the playoff, committee.”
Paid for by Palouse Outdoorsmen Society Super PAC, Grizzly Adams treasurer.
Notre Dame (20)
Ad is airing exclusively on NBC. It opens with the Irish celebrating in College Station, Texas, after beating Texas A&M, then cuts to Notre Dame stomping Purdue and Navy. Next is drone footage of Touchdown Jesus. Voice-over from Brady Quinn: “Ordinary Americans would reject a playoff without Notre Dame. They want to see America’s Team, the shiny helmets, the plucky leprechaun, the telegenic Marcus Freeman. We are ratings gold.”
Ad cuts to slow-mo video of dejected A&M players walking off after losing to Notre Dame. “What kind of conference would try to get five playoff bids when its best team lost on its home field to Notre Dame? Their misleading attack ads won’t acknowledge that game. What else are they hiding in the SEC?”
Ad closes with the entire on-air staff of NBC Sports gathered in a studio, with a few random Paris Olympians thrown in like every other NBC telecast. Executive producer Sam Flood: “We’re spending more money than ever broadcasting college football. Put our top draw in the playoff.”
Paid for by Subway Alumni Super PAC, Dick Vitale treasurer.
This article was originally published on www.si.com as Forde-Yard Dash: Each Conference’s Ad for the College Football Playoff.
