Call me crazy, but I'm not a fan of butts, bums, behinds, booties, the junk in the trunk - however you like to describe it - being on display.
But bums - my preferred word - seem to be everywhere.
And as the weather warms up, we can expect to see more uninhibited displays of jiggling hindquarters as if the whole world has suddenly morphed into Copacabana Beach (in Rio, obvs, not the Central Coast of NSW).
I'm talking, of course, about the latest in-your-face display by Kim Kardashian, her peachy, impossibly abundant bum attacking our retinas from the cover of the latest edition of Interview magazine.
And, because it's Interview, Kimmy is being all edgy with bleached hair and eyebrows.
But that's kind of missed in the midst of her massive bottom spilling out from over a jock strap.
Why? Why now? Kimmy has built a career on her bum, for sure. We get it. Is she being ironic? Funny? Does she care what her four kids will think of it?
Interview magazine was founded in 1969 by Andy Warhol and it's carrying on his tradition of shock and awe.
Kimmy is also on the cover of the "American Dream Issue" which is appropriate because she has built an empire from nothing. Or at least one leaked sex tape. I have zero problem with her success. Good on her.
Kardashian already "broke the internet" in 2014 when she appeared on the cover of another uber-cool obscure publication, Paper, balancing a glass of champagne on her bottom.
Back then her bum was clothed in a chic gown. Eight years later, it's been unleashed upon all of us.
I think, really, it's time to put it away love. Enjoy your millions. Retire the buttocks.
And it's not just Kimmy assaulting our eyeballs with her big bottom.
Go to any pool or beach or even that big slippy-slide thing on Lake Burley Griffin and you will see young women exposing their buttocks to the world, either their swimmers hoicked up as far as they will go, or simply opting for a bit of floss between the butt cheeks.
Again, I ask why? Is this meant to be, god help us, "empowering"?
I guarantee the only reason most young women would be exposing their bums to the world is because everyone else is doing it.
Don't get me wrong. Big butts are fine. Just with clothes on them.
Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls and later Sir Mix-a-Lot's I Like Big Butts are anthems to sing loud and proud, for sure.
But why do young girls need to walk around with their bums hanging out?
I don't think we'd put up with men doing it. I mean, plumber's cracks are a national joke but it doesn't mean we like, or encourage, them.
The bums-out fad just reminds of those red-bottomed baboons prancing around in a mating display.
It. Really. Needs. To. Stop. What's wrong with a good, old sturdy Speedo one-piece circa 1984 that covers all the right places and lets you have a lot of fun without bits falling out?
Kimmy's cover and the death of the Queen last week provided for a pop culture mash-up at the opposite ends of the spectrum.
The Queen, who only took the throne, ultimately, because of her uncle's abdication, probably wished for any life other than the one she got. But she never shirked her responsibility, rarely put a foot wrong, hardly complained (although there was that whole annus horribilis thing). The Queen was dignity personified.
She never had to show her bum.
Take note, Kimmy.
