It’s been a decade, so some is probably due, but the Mill is concerned that Manchester United are perpetrating what looks befuddlingly like competence. First, they identified, negotiated for and then bought Mason Mount, then they agreed a deal with Internazionale for André Onana – Fugees, Rihanna and Peggy Gou terrace anthems included – and now will turn their focus to Rasmus Højlund. Most disquietingly of all, these are players they need, not players that besuited chipmunks believe they can monetise; how they capitulate from here is sure to delight soccer-lovers everywhere.
United are also looking to divest themselves of numerous individuals. After the roaring success of their Jesse Lingard signing, Nottingham Forest are interested in Anthony Elanga, having presumably assumed his box-jumping prowess relates to the area 18 yards from goal, and will also, if the clubs can agree a fee, sign Dean Henderson. He is keen on the move but also expects that Real Madrid and Barcelona will soon decide a vaguely acceptable keeper with a baseball hat covalently bonded to his head is exactly what they need.
Otherwise, United have refused West Ham’s request to take Harry Maguire on loan. Though Erik ten Hag recently relieved the England meme of the captaincy – a move that saddened all those who enjoyed him trotting on at 90+4 minutes and taking the armband – he is unwilling to let him leave on anything but a permanent deal. West Ham, though, are strapped for cash after selling the midfielder-cum-lighthouse Declan Rice to Arsenal for £105m, so have retreated.
However, they are trying to sign João Palhinha from Fulham but their bid of £45m was rejected. So instead they are looking at Bayern Munich’s Leon Goretzka, who has long lusted after the sophisticated style, pioneering tactics and inspirational charisma of David Moyes.
In other midfield news, Chelsea plan to submit an improved bid, upwards of £70m, for Brighton’s Moisés Caicedo. They have already agreed personal terms with the player who is enthused by the clarity of Todd Boehly’s vision for the club as well as the opportunity to simply be in his presence.
Across London, though Harry Kane is attracted by Paris’s high culture, he has decided that Paris Saint-Germain offer fruit too tediously low-hanging even for a man of his voracious appetites. He would, though, be open to moving to Bayern Munich – provided, of course, Goretzka does not inspire a mass exodus from Joshua Kimmich, Jamal Musiala and the rest to near Westfield. Should Daniel Levy agree to the deal, Spurs may move for Brentford’s Ivan Toney, who will return from his ban in January just in time for Ange Postecoglou’s third job-endangering crisis.
Talking of West Ham, Michail Antonio could be the latest player to decide a weekly pay packet comprising tens of thousands of pounds is insufficient. He has held preliminary talks with Saudi Arabia’s Al-Ettifaq and, though he’s been a PIF fan since childhood, will countenance playing instead for the ministry of sports and the privilege of learning from communicator extraordinaire Steven Gerrard.
Elsewhere, Al-Nassr would like to sign Moussa Diaby from Bayer Leverkusen, as would Aston Villa – rarely has Birmingham looked so appealing – while, in what is surely a chinwag for the ages, Wolves are talking to Borussia Mönchengladbach about their Swiss defender Nico Elvedi.
Burnley, Leicester and Sheffield United, meanwhile, would like to take Amad Diallo on loan from Manchester United, while Burnley, Leicester and Brighton fancy taking Cole Palmer on loan from Manchester City – though, most likely, Southampton pip all three by stumping up a fee of £983m.
And finally Inter, flush with Onana cash, plan to bid £34.3m for the Arsenal striker Folarin Balogun; Arsenal, though, value the Reims legend at £50m.
