About £650. That’s the average cost of attending a hen party these days. And what for, eh? No one ever returned from a hen do thinking: “I’m so glad I spent a month’s rent on decorating knickers with the bride’s mother while sipping a penis-colada through a penis straw.” There is never a point at which you find yourself musing: “Do you know what I’d love to spend more of my precious time doing? Answering another question on what the bride and groom had for tea on their first holiday!” Hen parties have become absolutely nightmarish.
We all know the horror stories. The bride who sacked her chief bridesmaid because they hadn’t taken their hen do planning duties seriously enough. The bride who thought it was perfectly reasonable to expect your attendance at all three of her events (the local one, the abroad one and the festival, duh). The request for hens to cover the cost of the bride’s share, because why should she have to pay for the three-day luxury bender that she asked for? She’s getting married!
Somehow, such farcical celebrations have become normalised. We all go along with it for fear of looking like a bad friend, bitter or – shock horror – skint. Finally, though, a TV show is here to expose these events for what they really are.
Written by Caroline Moran (who co-wrote Raised By Wolves with her sister Caitlin and Hullraisers with Lucy Beaumont), Henpocalypse! is a comedy horror that follows a bride and her hens as they head to an isolated holiday cottage in Wales, where they turn up the music, pour the drinks, welcome a stripper inside and squeal with delight. What sets this hen do apart from the rest, though, is that they wake up with horrific hangovers to discover a virus has nearly wiped out humanity.
This might seem far-fetched. Then again, anyone who has been on a hen do will know it isn’t far off. But, more importantly, it is the ultimate takedown that us suffering hens have been waiting for.
Any hen will empathise with the moment in episode one when the chief bridesmaid, Shelly (Callie Cooke), nervously asks the bride’s mother, Bernadette (Elizabeth Berrington): “Could you put the bank transfer through for your share of the cottage?” only to realise that she is in no rush to open her app. It’s a triggering line for anyone who has been dragged into a hellish hen do WhatsApp group, essentially a space for passive-aggressive emojis and reminders to pay up.
But this group should count their lucky stars that they didn’t need to board a plane for the occasion (the average spend shoots up to £1,208 if the do is held abroad). “I was very clear about wanting Lanzarote,” moans the bride, Zara (Lucie Shorthouse), sending shivers down the spines of those who have nearly destroyed friendships by daring to turn down spending their savings on being forced to wear matching swimsuits and dance to David Guetta for a full week in Mykonos. “But I’m dealing with it,” Zara adds, to everyone’s relief.
The details are spot on. The highly inappropriate mother! (In this case, she threatens the chief bridesmaid.) The group feuds! (They literally leave one hen to rot to death.) The bride who deserves everything she gets because she decided to marry a tool! (No explanation needed.) When the gang goes into quarantine, they find themselves surviving by snorting bumps of instant coffee and heading out for provisions armed with dildo spears. They have also imprisoned the stripper, because he might be the only man alive. The biggest tragedy for the bride, though? “I don’t know if you noticed … but my wedding was cancelled!”
Aside from Channel 5’s 2013 documentary series Hen Nights (which is exactly what you imagine it to be), the wild world of hen parties hasn’t been captured on TV like this before. What comes after the hen do – the big day itself, not the apocalypse – definitely has. There are plenty of series showcasing the chaos and extortion of weddings. BBC One’s Ultimate Wedding Planner is a competition in which, yes, you’ve guessed it, contestants compete to plan the best wedding, with the first one taking place in a Concorde hangar. There is also Really’s Say Yes to the Dress, in which we spend an hour watching a woman pick a dress with Tan France.
The way we approach weddings in 2023, even as guests, is exhausting. Perhaps tackling it with an apocalyptic storyline was the only way of ensuring that people would truly relate. Once Zara, her friends and family adjust to their new life, there is a scene that nails just how ludicrous hen parties have become. As they raid a deserted village store and gorge on fizzy pop and Spam, one partygoer says: “You know what, as of now, this actually isn’t the worst hen do I’ve been on.” I know the feeling.
