The last few decades have seen dramatic changes to the way Australian couples handle the family purse strings. These days the idea of two people living on a single income doesn’t just feel old fashioned – for many households, it would break the bank.
But data released for the first time this week suggests that men still make more money in nearly two-thirds of Australian workplaces. While the ABS reports the gender pay gap in Australia at 13%, when part-time and casual work, bonuses and overtime are taken into account that discrepancy balloons to nearly 22%.
Despite the statistics, plenty of readers in heterosexual relationships told Guardian Australia that in their homes, women significantly out-earned their spouses. Others took issue with welfare policies that force couples into financial dependency whether they like it or not.
No matter which way (or why) the balance is skewed, most readers told us that viewing the relationship’s combined earning power as a shared resource – while also allowing for individual financial control – helps to keep stress and resentment at bay, and makes it easier to adapt as circumstances and salaries fluctuate over a relationship’s lifetime.
‘This time around I’m doing things differently’
My former husband became so jealous and resentful of me earning more that it caused a divorce. After 18 years he left me swimming in his debts and deliberately homeless with our two kids. I did every course on financial literacy I could and was able to fully economically recover in five years due to my high income – defying all statistics of divorced women of my age.
I’m about to go into my second marriage with a significant income and asset gap. I earn $150,000 a year more than my fiance.
This time around I’m doing things differently. From experience I have decided that incomings are to be kept separate and cash gifts are well signposted, money is never lent. I shout holidays and he does a lot of housework.
Anne, NSW
‘We try to find ways to make sure she has agency’
My wife and I are both in our 30s. Several years ago she got really sick and hasn’t been able to work since. While she hasn’t been able to earn anything, my career has done really well and I’m earning over $250,000 a year now.
While this is more than enough, the real issue is the power imbalance it creates. Access to a pension is cut off for people with a disability when the couple’s combined income reaches just over $1800 a week. So we try to find ways to make sure my wife has as much financial independence and agency as possible.
She has a ‘GTFO fund’ (AKA an ‘f-off fund’) that I don’t have access to. I make a monthly transfer so it grows. Every year we split my super to make sure that her super balance grows too, and she has enough to retire even if I’m not in the picture.
There are a lot of sucky things inherent to disability that you can throw money at. It’s an incredible blessing that we have the money we do to throw at the problems we have. But regardless of how I might help in the moment, I think it’s also important to future-proof her financially.
The higher income earner might be the nicest person on the planet today and then for whatever reason become a horrible person tomorrow. Disabled people’s financial safety shouldn’t have to rest on how supportive a partner is, especially if that support can be revoked at any moment.
Anonymous, Australia
‘I used to feel insecure, but have learned to accept it’
We worked out that my wife had paid more in tax than I had earned in the whole year once. But we don’t let our radically different pay cheques come between us.
While she earns six figures – more than double what I do – as long as we’re both contributing, the gap doesn’t feel terribly important. I used to feel a bit tetchy and insecure about it, but have since learned to accept it. I think it was just a bruised ego on my part.
As long as you’re both making meaningful contributions and working in jobs you don’t detest, things should hopefully remain positive.
Daniel, Perth
‘We don’t find it difficult to put the issue beyond our relationship’
I am on Austudy, my wife is on the disability pension and has part-time work. On average she earns triple what I do and voluntarily makes up the impact her income has on my Austudy when she can. But once she’s made over $204, her payments are cut 40 cents to the dollar thereafter, often making additional work financially redundant. The double whammy being that her earnings also reduce my Austudy.
As a couple we don’t find it difficult to put the issue of politicians not supporting the working poor beyond our relationship. But we do find the way someone with part-time work and on the disability pension is in the position of needing to support their partner (who’s trying to better their prospects through study) to be beyond outrageous.
Anonymous, Australia
‘She gets frustrated when I won’t accept money’
I think it’s important to find a partner who shares the same financial philosophy as you – in some ways same-sex couples have an advantage in this area. There are not as many social expectations around money and relationships.
I worry about the fact that my partner makes more than twice what I do, more than she does. Sometimes I feel like I’m holding her back as I can’t afford things like overseas holidays, but since I can keep up my end of the bargain with mortgage and bills I try not to feel guilty.
While we had similar incomes for a while, I realised I was not happy dedicating all my time to work. I stopped trying to climb the career ladder and looked for work that I was interested in and passionate about, which has not been especially lucrative. She has opted for secure work which has led to gradual pay rises.
I’m a 50-year-old queer non-binary person and we’ve been together 21 years. While she gets frustrated when I won’t accept money for things I can’t afford myself, I’m not a materialistic person and never feel resentment. While lots of heterosexual couples buck the trend of men being providers, I think the lingering social expectation must make things harder.
Anonymous, Australia
‘We each receive the same fortnightly allowance’
We’re a married heterosexual couple in our early 40s with two young children and a large mortgage. I currently earn about 70% more than my husband, but this hasn’t always been the case. Initially my husband earned several times my income, then we earned around the same. After several promotions and pay rises in the last few years, I now earn significantly more.
We have both joint and individual accounts. All income goes into the joint account, and we each receive the same fortnightly allowance for individual spending or saving, that we don’t have to discuss with each other. We’ve found this much fairer: we both benefit from any increase in earnings and aren’t penalised for bringing in less. It is also much more flexible; when someone takes parental leave or gets a promotion we don’t have to rejig the whole system. We prioritise equality of outcome, not of input.
Anna, Canberra
‘Fight the system, not your partner’
We deal with the fact I earn nearly twice what my partner does by simply not mentioning it. I have accepted that our contributions will always be unequal because the system itself is inequitable.
My partner and I are in our early 60s and share a house. Our income gap has nothing to do with the lifetime of effort she’s put in, but the nature of her employment. After 30 years as an early childhood educator she is paid less than my 23-year-old son who works as an unqualified labourer.
Factor in the appalling state of superannuation, her time off for child rearing and a 90s divorce settlement and it isn’t about a wage gap, but a structurally instituted wealth gap. This is not uncommon for women of a certain age who have gravitated towards caregiving roles and careers that are undervalued, paid so outrageously poorly that they lead to financial precarity. Fight the system, not your partner.
Anonymous, Australia
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length.
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