It took 45 long hours for Basil Api to receive his traditional Samoan tattoo—or tatau—the same ritual his father endured many years before him.
Known as the pe'a, the intricate design spans from above his waist and extends to below his knees and signifies a rite of passage into manhood and service.
"Like dad, I had [it done] to honour our family," Basil says.
"Just seeing how proud he was of me when I returned to Australia is one of my favourite memories.
"He taught me about the value of family. As a father I try to be better every day, learn to have patience and faith, and to be grateful for my family.
"He taught me that the character of your children is a reflection of yourself. If your children are doing well and are respectful towards others, then I have done something right."
For Basil, Fathers' Day will be celebrated with his wife Lani, their four children, his siblings and "all of those nearest and dearest over great food and great memories".
Just like how he's spent the past two Father's Days since his dad, Ulugia, died.
"Away from everyone else, I will listen to the many voicemails he left me, wishing I had answered every call," he says.
"All those missed chances we could have spoken I'll never get again."
Grief and Fathers' Day
Australians spend millions of dollars on Father's Day gifts every year, but for those whose dads are no longer here, the day evokes mixed emotions.
End of life doula and holistic death care practitioner Bec Lyons says her father took his own life in January last year.
She says we're fortunate to have dedicated days to remember, and to celebrate the special men in our lives.
"Dad was a shy fella, but he had a real sense of humour when you got him going. He was the king of dad jokes," she says.
While Fathers’ Day can be a trigger, Bec says it’s not only a trigger of sadness.
“It can be a reminder of legacy. I welcome the time to spend with my memories."
Bec says a lot of the language we use in death can be "othering" or reductive.
“I don’t use the words passed away, or loss. That’s disempowering.
“It puts the memory of our people further away from us. I say my person died, but I’m holding them close.
“There is a power in calling things what they are. It’s about reclaiming, agency and ownership in that process.”
Before he died, Steve spent years collating a book of his favourite jokes to gift to all his loved ones.
"Jokes he would tell at the most inappropriate times," Bec says.
"I'll be reading through his book of dad jokes this Sunday. That will be my way of remembering him."
Dr David Kessler, expert on grief and loss, says days like Fathers' Day can often be an "invisible sad" day of mourning.
This can either be because we've lost a parent, a child, a partner, or grieving the kind of parent we wished we had.
But he says finding meaning in the loss is as individual as we are.
Honouring their memory
We often say a part of us died with them, but finding meaning is also realising a part of them still lives within us, Dr Kessler says.
On his site, Dr Kessler's offers tips on how to navigate these kinds of days
- Find ways to honour and remember your parent. Or ways to honour your child.
- Light a candle
- Say a prayer
- Donate time or money in their name
- Do something you loved to do together on that day
And now more than ever, be gentle with yourself.
It isn't important how you remember, you honour them by the fact you remember, Dr Kessler says.
As for the Api family, Basil says they will start their Sunday early at the cemetery.
Mats will be packed into the car to be laid out next to his father's headstone for the family to sit on, music will play, and snacks will be eaten.
Basil says Sunday morning will be a time to pause and reflect.
"I honour my father's life by trying to live life the way he did," Basil says.
"He was a humble man. A man of few words and well respected among his family and peers… I carry him and our family name with pride."
