With the Victorian election only weeks away, “embattled” Premier Dan Andrews is under intense scrutiny from sections of the media about [checks notes] some veranda steps and a 10-year-old car crash he wasn’t involved in.
But could there be worse to come? Crikey satirist Tom Red has the inside skinny on the growing list of the premier’s past indiscretions.
Wave-gate
In September 2006, Andrews was let into merging traffic at the corner of City Road and Power Street in Southbank by a well-meaning motorist, Rhys Cooker. However, after taking full advantage of Cooker’s civility, the premier apparently failed to give the “thank you” wave. Cooker claims the snub left him feeling dirty, despondent and worthless. “Look, I’m not precious, but some acknowledgment would have been nice — even a nod,” he said. “But I guess some folks are just too high and mighty to gesticulate their gratitude in the universally agreed manner.”
Scallop-gate
According to several NSW holiday-makers, Andrews totally blanked a staff member at an Eden fish and chip shop in 2017. Only 16 at the time, Siennah Shywallop was trying to engage Andrews in some light-hearted potato cake versus potato scallop banter. Siennah says the premier’s snub was so hurtful she began to question her vocation and even toyed with leaving the world of battered savs and crabsticks forever.
Shout-gate
Back in 2015, Andrews popped into the Birchip Hotel in Donald with several mates to get on the beers.™ To the horror of gathered locals, the premier switched from Carlton Draft to a top-shelf spirit mid-shout, despite the fact everyone else was sticking with beer and it wasn’t his round. Former publican and clairvoyant Enid McGnarly was pouring beers that day. “Look, I’ve been running country pubs for 40-odd years and I’ve seen plenty of dog acts, but what I saw that day was stone-cold brutal,“ McGnarly said.
Salt-gate
While the exact details remain sketchy, there are persistent rumours that while picking up kebabs and chips from a kebab joint in Mulgrove, Andrews refused chicken salt. According to legend he calmly told a staff member: “Yeah, nah. I don’t like chicken salt.” Monster.
Bin-gate
Insiders claim Andrews is notorious for rolling out his garbage bins a full 24 hours before collection day, causing anxiety and confusion among neighbours.
Angels-gate
While campaigning in the Shepparton area in the early 2000s, Andrews pointedly and repeatedly declined to yell “No way, get fucked, fuck off!” during a local band’s rendition of The Angels’ classic “Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again?”. Patrons at the Aussie Hotel were so stunned several needed medical assistance. Resident raconteur and occasional guitar tech John “Speedy” Dealer remembers the day well. “Who does that? I mean, really. What the actual fuck?!”
How ya going, mate-gate
While recovering from his controversial fall in 2021, Andrews seriously embarrassed a work colleague in a lift. The well-meaning staffer had innocently greeted the premier with: ‘’Hey, boss, good to see you. How’s it going?” Rather than responding “Can’t complain” or “Not too bad”, Andrews is believed to have given a detailed rundown of his medical condition, including its impact on his ablutions, emotions and love life.
Do you agree not waving thanks is the most egregious of the Dan’s diabolical deeds? Let us know your thoughts by writing to letters@crikey.com.au. Please include your full name to be considered for publication. We reserve the right to edit for length and clarity.
