Former England and Liverpool goalkeeper Chris Kirkland has opened up about his decade-long addiction to painkillers.
Now retired, Kirkland has spoken about his long and secret battle as well as mental health issues from his past. Kirkland, 41, gave up painkillers back in February this year and has now spoken about his ongoing recovery.
Speaking to the Guardian, he said the moment he realised he had a serious problem was earlier this year when he suddenly found himself lost in Liverpool - a city he lived in for five years whilst at Anfield early in his career.
He said: "I thought I was going to die. I just didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t remember where home was. I only got home because I put ‘home’ into the sat-nav, and it was already preset, otherwise I don’t know where I would’ve ended up. I got home … then I was violently sick. I slept for about 18 hours. I woke up, got the tablets out of the car and flushed them straight down the toilet.
"I thought 'you've got to get off these or you're going to kill yourself'."
That was the eureka moment for the former stopper and he has now bravely spoken out about his addictions. He says such was the hold the addiction had over him that he would make excuses to not attend events or pretend that he had lost tablets in order to be prescribed more.
Kirkland made the decision to attend Parkland Place, a rehabilitation clinic near Colwyn Bay in north Wales, and his wife Leeona drug tests him at home every few days. Kirkland, who also played for the likes of Sheffield Wednesday, Wigan and Coventry City during his playing days, says he is feeling "brilliant" now thanks to his wife's support but admits just how tough the withdrawals were at first.
He added: "It was really tough. The withdrawals were horrendous. For a week I could hardly move; I was sweating, shaking, Leeona was having to check I was still breathing properly. It was a horrible time.
"I still feel as though I’m a little bit of a fraud at the minute because people don’t know the real truth. I don’t think I can stay in recovery – because I’ll always be an addict, simple as that – unless everything is out there. Now people know.”
In a message to those going through addiction, he added: “If you are struggling with any kind of addiction, you can’t do it yourself; it’s impossible. You’ll be kidding yourself. Be brave, ask for help and the quicker you get it, the better you’ll be.”
In the past Kirkland has also spoken about his battle with depression and has cited this as the main reason he decided to retire back in 2016.
Speaking in 2017, he said: "It's easy for me to talk about it now because I've seen a way out of it. That is the biggest thing and I want other people and other players to know that you've just got to talk. I never saw a way out of it until I started to talk about it. There was a fear. But as soon as you talk, that's when you're helping yourself and your family."
