Q. My ex says he will be here to pick up our daughter for their time together, but he rarely shows. She waits, he doesn't show up, and she cries herself to sleep. The problem is, sometimes he does come, so I don’t know what to tell her. I would like to go back to court and change the custody order, so she doesn't have to go through this, but I'm afraid. He threatens to take her away if I do anything. What is good ex-etiquette?
A. I cannot stress the negative impact not showing up to planned visitation has on a child. A child doesn't realize that mom or dad is the problem. They blame themselves. "If I were a better child, smarter, prettier, whatever, they would love me and show up."
A child sees the no-show behavior as a choice. Mom or dad chooses to not see them. The child’s takeaway is that people, particularly those who tell them they love them, can’t be trusted. This makes it difficult for children to form secure attachments in adulthood.
When I explain this to clients, some think I am exaggerating.
"Come on," they tell me. "Because I didn't show up a few times?"
It depends on the child, but most of the time, even a few times without a timely explanation makes an impact.
It will lessen the blow if there is a call in plenty of time with an adequate reason for the no-show. No call? That’s when the child is left to their own resources — and that will always break down to blaming themselves. If mommy or daddy don't seem to care, rejection is etched into the child's neural pathways. In other words, they learn to expect rejection and question their worth. That’s when anxiety sets in.
As the custodial parent, you can help your child by recognizing what they are going through and identifying with the experience.
Even though you may wonder, after all that rejection, why your child still longs to see a parent who is unreliable, remember they believe they are half mom and half dad. If their other parent is “bad,” this means they’re flawed as well. In order for them to feel good about themselves, a common coping mechanism is to concentrate on their parent’s more positive qualities and downplay the bad ones.
When your child asks where their parent is or why they didn’t show up, try to use loving, age-appropriate explanations. Don’t volunteer too much information that your child won’t understand. “Mommy takes pills and is unpredictable” will not help a 6-year-old understand — or feel safe.
Begin by empathizing: “I see how much it bothers you that Daddy/Mommy isn’t here when you expected them.”
Then give information appropriate for a young child: “Daddy/Mommy has issues that make it difficult for them to sometimes be a parent. It has nothing to do with you and I know he/she loves you very much.”
Don’t forget to reinforce how much you love them and that you aren’t going anywhere. The bottom line is your child wants to be reminded that they are wanted and loved. That’s what you reinforce.
Finally, a parent with a history of unpredictability and no-shows for visits is not likely to get custody. It’s not in the best interest of the child, and that is the basis of all custody orders. Keep good records, and if you are really frightened, call an attorney. That’s good ex-etiquette.
