Q. My ex is accusing me of all sorts of terrible things on Facebook. The court doesn’t listen to his accusations, so he plays it out on the internet. I’m a cheater, a whore, I’ve taken his children, none of which is true. So many of our friends have blocked him, and he even blames me for that. What can I do? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Good ex-etiquette is “good behavior after divorce or separation.” There is nothing about that that can be said to be good behavior.
Unfortunately, it sounds as if dad is letting his emotions rule him rather than logic. We all know this is commonplace after a breakup, but I have to say, venting in that manner rarely makes you feel better. It usually gets your adrenaline going and perpetuates the anger. That’s why so many who vent online sound irrational. There’s no checks and balances — unless a friend says, “Whoa! What are you doing?” (Or Facebook cuts you off.)
At this point, the first step is to block him, and when your friends give you an accounting of what he says, simply say that you don’t know what he is saying because he is blocked. Your friends will understand your position and make their own decisions on how to interact with him. If, as you say, many have blocked him, then you already know the outcome. And you always have the option of deleting your account.
There is one negative aspect of just not letting it get to you and walking away. You will have no record of what was said if you do have to return to court unless a friend keeps tabs, just in case. Angry parents often forget that EVERYTHING in print is admissible in court, from your texts to your Facebook posts. If you delete it but your ex has a copy, it’s still admissible.
Be aware: Words matter. If you are slandering your co-parent, it could affect your time with the children. I’ve seen judges severely admonish parents who have vented or insulted their co-parent online. The reasoning at the time was that if you are insulting your co-parent, everyone reads it, including your children, your children’s friends (if they happened to be your friend) and your children’s friend’s parents. If you read that stuff, would you want your children around those parents? Now your animosity is affecting your children’s friendships.
All court decisions about custody and time with a parent are based on the best interest of the child. Special consideration is often given to the parent who is most likely to facilitate a relationship with the other parent. If you are calling out your co-parent in public, it’s doubtful you will be perceived as the most likely to support a relationship. So this is a heads-up to angry parents who feel the venting online is justified. Don’t do it. That’s good ex-etiquette.
