Sex, desire and libido are things that change and evolve over time for most adults, with those in long-term relationships especially liable to these ebbs and flows.
For some couples, a sex life which both partners find satisfying can be one of the first things to fall by the wayside when everyday stresses, distractions and routines start to take over. Here, Anjula Mutanda, a psychotherapist, relationship psychologist and president of relationship support charity Relate, advises how couples of all ages, genders and sexualities can stop life getting in the way of sex, and reconnect intimately.
Don’t try to recapture the old days
Many couples fall into the trap of thinking they must recreate romantic situations they had in the early days of their relationship to “get the magic back”. But I think that’s a self-defeating coping mechanism as you’re trying to go back to your chemical romance, that obsessive love when things were exciting because they were new; and when you don’t get that you feel like you’ve somehow failed. Your relationship is now deeper, more subtle, layered and experienced, you’re familiar with what you’ve got. Perhaps you have kids, a mortgage, or jobs you worry about – through these things you have experience and togetherness, which you can build real intimacy and affection on.
Everything is foreplay
There are lots of different ways to improve connection and they don’t all start in the bedroom. Relationship expert Dr John Gottman said that “everything is foreplay”. It’s all about the touching, hugging, smiling at your partner, eye contact, giving them a kiss before work. These are all connectors that will lead to mood boosts and more closeness in the bedroom. We get trapped into neglecting the smaller moments of affection and thinking that we have to get a date in the diary to have sex, or that we need to book a restaurant like in the early days. But if you do that then you jump ahead of time and forget to consider all the small acts of intimacy that can really rebuild your connection.
Lube can enhance the sexual experience for everyone
There are a number of things that can make sex uncomfortable and not pleasurable. For instance, vaginal dryness, which can be caused by age, medications, menopause, hormonal changes at times in the menstrual cycle and anything that can impact you physiologically. Using Kynect (the new name for KY Jelly) can really help to increase physical connection and pleasure. Unfortunately, many people are in the mindset that if they need to buy something that should occur naturally they are somehow lacking, which leads to nervousness around talking about and asking for lube.
I’d advise seeing lube as a purely positive enhancement, a product that makes things feel better. Even if you’re not experiencing any physical problems, Kynect is a great addition to your sex repertoire. I think that as a nation we really need to reframe our thinking around using something that’s there to support and increase pleasure, there shouldn’t be any shame or embarrassment, we should be proud to be able to walk into a shop and buy a product that will help us have a better sex life.
Understand each other’s love languages
Relationships are very much the dance of give and take, so it’s key to understand the love language your partner is speaking and appreciate them for it. For instance, their love languages might be doing things for you, or asking about your day. Yours might be lots of penetrative sex and if you want more of that from your partner, it’s good to start it from a positive place. For instance, saying: “I love it when you do this” and “Thank you for doing that”, can lead to a supportive conversation in which your partner feels valued and seen, and can help come to a compromise for both of you. Listening to what each other wants can really take the pressure off.
Be ‘good selfish’
It’s easy to get stuck in the rut of worrying about how long it’s been since you had sex with your partner and feeling pressure to pleasure them; but it helps to ask yourself if you’re looking after your own needs. Masturbation is a great way to get to know yourself and take a step towards building things back with your partner. There’s such a thing as being good selfish, and showing yourself some self love can result in you showing your partner what you like. Not enough people talk about masturbation, but it’s something that really matters.
Get out of your own head
People can get really stressed out by thinking about having sex so much they don’t want to do it. To stop getting too in your head about it, try some relaxation techniques that put you in a good positive headspace, like listening to relaxing music. Going for a walk together is a helpful way to relax, and holding hands while you do it is a form of creating intimacy. Touch helps you bond and feel closer, and studies show that it signals safety and security, so this could lead to having sex later in the day or that week. It’s also found that sexual activity prevents increases in blood pressure, so thinking about the health benefit can be motivation to get into the bedroom too!
You can never have too much of a good thing. Enjoy more intimacy with your partner with our 200ml tube. Buy it here
