When I was asked to review the toilets in every Wetherspoon pub in Cardiff, I knew it wasn't a task I could approach lightly.
I was told by a news editor, with no further context, that "people love Wetherspoon toilets" - and as it turns out, people sort of do love them. Not in the way you might love a partner, a family member, a pet, or even a favourite chocolate bar, but a strange sort of love nonetheless.
The loos in Spoons have actually won awards. A lot of awards. And I mean, a lot of awards. They're also the subject matter of a popular meme, with the idea being that it takes the equivalent of an Arctic expedition to get from the bar to the toilet.
So, how do you review a toilet? My ratings are generally based on the following: facilities, cleanliness and decor - but as you'll see below, my approach was more of a general vibe check.
Admittedly, I didn't visit the toilets on the day of a rugby international, or even on a normal Saturday night, when they might be expected to be in a worse state, so bear that in mind. But, in the spirit of the meme that's made a name for the toilets, I did manually count every step I took from the front door to the bog (just to see just how monumental a trek it was).
It's worth adding that all photos below were taken when the toilets were completely empty, and - as it probably goes without saying - the reviews are only of the men's rooms. I've heard rumours of women's Wetherspoon toilets being fully kitted out with sofas and ornate mirrors, but this was definitely not an opportunity to put those questions to rest.
The Aneurin Bevan
Starting the day strong, we have a pub with a surprising amount in common with its namesake when it comes to being progressive. I was expecting to see a lot of things in my tour of Wetherspoon toilets, but a full baby changing facility in the gents admittedly wasn't one of them.
Hats off for that, and commiserations to any dads who were planning on popping to the Aneurin Bevan to avoid their parenting duties. Spoiler alert; it's the only toilet I visited that provides this level of baby-changing equipment in the men's toilets.
Beyond that, the Aneurin Bevan toilets are inauspicious - clean enough, with two cubicles and five urinals. Generally, this is your run-of-the-mill 'Spoons bog. There is a full length mirror which would probably make for decent selfies if you're that way inclined, but there's also a urinal right next to it, so your selfies might include a bloke having a wee.
Toilet rating: 7/10
Steps from door: 30
The Mount Stuart
When you hit the gold standard this early in the day, it's hard to know where to go from there. I've had friends visit Cardiff Bay and proclaim their shock at how nice the Mount Stuart is. I've known people so ideologically opposed to Tim Martin's ownership that they avoid Wetherspoon pubs altogether, but make an exception for the Mount Stuart.
And the toilets match the rest of the pub - trendy concrete sinks and modern, clean tiles. More floorspace than you know what to do with, and big enough mirrors to thoroughly check yourself out when you're feeling a bit tipsy and self-confident.
Frankly, these toilets would be too good for a Wetherspoon pub - if the rest of the pub didn't also feel so posh. Maybe they're a little far from the door, but the best seats in the house are up on the first floor terrace, which is much nearer the loos anyway.
Toilet rating: 9/10
Steps from door: 59
The Ernest Willows
There's a little less to say for this one. If you made a pub toilet on the Sims, it would look like this. They're about as formulaic as a toilet can get.
These toilets are the house you drew when you were a little kid, with identical, perfectly-spaced windows. If these toilets were a meal deal, they'd be a ham sandwich, a pack of ready salted and a bottle of water.
If these toilets were a distant acquaintance who you'd bumped into at a coffee shop, you'd talk about the weather and how bad the trains are nowadays, then make an excuse to leave. Nothing makes you want to spend much time in their company, but there's nothing patently wrong with them.
Cubicles. Urinals. Sinks. Mirrors. These are some of the things you can expect from the Ernest Willows toilets.
Toilet rating: Very much a 6/10
Steps from door: 32
The Prince of Wales
There's something very Tardis-like about these ones. Not in the sense that they're bigger on the inside - they rank somewhere in the middle of the pack on that metric - but because of their odd, symmetrical roundness. Each urinal has its own little pod, each with its own light shining upon it, forming part of the semi-circle around the room.
If the urinals are the Tardis wall decorations, the sinks and hand dryers are the central console. They're probably a bit confusing when you've had a few to drink - it requires a bit of peering around the dividing walls to figure out where the next sink is - but the same walls provide an element of privacy.
The cubicles are a bit less exciting, but the floor of one of them was really, really wet. With what, I'm not sure, and I don't want to know.
Toilet rating: 6.5/10
Steps from door: 53
The Great Western
You wait for one pub toilet Tardis, and two come along at once. This one's even got glowing round mirrors on the walls, eerie mood lighting, and to top it all off, the walls are covered in murals of historic trains - close your eyes and it's almost like you're being whisked through the Industrial Revolution by David Tennant in a tight-fitting suit.
These are some slightly odd toilets, though - they're almost divided into two zones. There's the so-called Tardis Zone, and then a weirdly brightly-lit area that's almost another toilet in itself.
I suppose that's two for the price of one, although the spotlight over one of the urinals is broken. If you're having a bad day and want a wee without accidentally becoming the star of the show, I've got just the dark corner of a pub toilet for you.
Toilet rating: Total bafflement
Steps from door: 53
The Central Bar
The dictionary definition of a Wetherspoon toilet. Down a load of steps, a bit cramped, brown and white tiles - make no mistakes, it's the Greatest Hits album. With one toilet and one urinal out of order, the Central Bar toilets weren't in great nick.
I've been in these ones before, and things can get a little unpleasant when you're back-to-back, shoulder-to-shoulder, trying to navigate your way from a urinal to a sink. There's a bit of a conundrum as to whether to give these a low rating for being a little shabby, or a high rating for being exactly what I expect from a Wetherspoon toilet.
I've gone directly down the middle.
Toilet rating: 5/10
Steps from door: A deceptively short 28
The Gatekeeper
These toilets are absolutely huge. Not the toilets themselves, which are normal size, but the room they're in.
It makes me wonder what more could be done with the space. bring the wall in a bit and you could seat extra punters on the first floor; put a new wall in and you've got another accessible toilet, a new store cupboard, or whatever else your heart desires.
There are plenty of loos, but a single hand dryer sits on a wall that could fit three. Is this a symptom of the Brexit Britain that Tim Martin himself was so in favour of? Is it a metaphor for the inherent emptiness that comes from a chain pub with a monopoly on the UK's high streets?
Or maybe, just maybe, have I already reviewed seven Wetherspoon toilets and have started to run out of things to differentiate them? We'll never know.
Toilet rating: 6/10 for facilities, 3/10 for making me lose my mind a little bit
Steps from door: 73
The Ivor Davies
In Canton, I reach the end of my journey. The final Wetherspoon pub.
The Ivor Davies was a classic showing. Unflashy with three working toilets, five working urinals.
Armitage Shanks. Vintage. There's nothing else to say.
Have I learned anything from this journey? If you've read this far, you'll surely be hoping for some emotional conclusion to bring it all together.
Sorry to ruin your day - I've learned absolutely nothing. They're toilets.
Toilet rating: 7/10
Steps from door: 40
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