A Nottingham alternative lifestyle group is organising a 'first of its kind' speed dating event in the city with a view to helping to fight the negative stereotypes that exist around the lifestyle. Unseen Lounge caters to a community of people who practice 'ethical non-monogamy' and aims to educate people who might be interested in joining the lifestyle.
The group has been running for six years and prides itself on holding glamourous events at different venues across Nottingham for anyone interested in swinging or polyamory. Despite the preconceptions people may have around the lifestyle, the events are usually more black-tie with drinks than keys in a bowl.
Business owner Baron, which is not his real name, stressed that the events are working to normalise the lifestyle and remove harmful stereotypes so that those interested in the community can have safer, better experiences. He believes that educating people about the lifestyle goes a long way.
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"The communities that we cater for are ethically non-monogamous so that would be swingers or polyamorous people. We also support the LGBTQ+ community too through our events," he said.
"Our ethos is about education and access for people as there is a whole world of preconceptions that people have. We want to be able to provide an educational level through exposure so when you actually meet us, you will realise that we are just normal people."
Baron has been involved in the lifestyle for 15 years with his wife and girlfriend after he moved to Nottingham. He wanted to organise events that were for the community as he felt there was nothing for polyamorous people. He highlights that Nottingham has a large alternative lifestyle scene.
He said: "We try to choose venues where we can provide more for people to make sure they have a great experience. Our big events can get up to 200 people with around 60 at our smaller ones. We now have a Discord server with over 700 people on it from the local community.
"We don't tend to get any pushback from venues because we explain it's a social event. We don't specify but we have returned to several venues that know because they hear people talking. They are usually happy to have the event to the point where the staff and venues are quite protective of us. They know our events are well-run and we haven't had any trouble."
While there are lots of people in the community, Baron said that there is still a stigma, so many choose alternative names so that friends and family won't find out. However, the biggest difficulty can come from being outed in the workplace.
Baron said: "We've had friends who when we told them were genuinely repelled but others are not sure how you do it and are interested. It can take people a while to get their head around it but we've had close personal friends at our events. The professional element can be a worry as a lot of our community are teachers, doctors or nurses. That's the stigma that can really curtail their freedom and ability to explore or express themselves.
"We know people have genuinely lost jobs and it's a fear for a lot of people. I'm openly polyamorous and I can be a bit more comfortable with that because I work with my clients over Zoom, but I'm conscious of my partners. There is so much stigma that can go with it, which comes from preconceptions."
There is another side to the business that provides a safe space for consenting adults which is more focused on play. Unseen Rogue provides open exploration rooms, kink displays and women-only play spaces along with welcome drinks.
"We identified a bit of a problem in the market where there is a bit of a performative element that can be there for the lads. We have a female and transgender audience so we wanted to create a space that allows them to explore their sexuality without the performative element. We have a third event coming up which we host with Celestial Studios in Shardlow which is a pro-dominatrix venue," Baron explained.
"We may have 60 to 70 women there including trans women who are also welcome. We try to get speakers to come in or gurus to workshop particular areas of exploration. Women can get to know each other and explore their sexuality too."
The next event will be speed dating at Box on Talbot Street in the city centre on Thursday, August 25. Most people are familiar with the concept which sees people take part in a series of mini-dates that take place for a few minutes at a time.
Baron said: "People are trying to find people that understand their type of life in terms of poly, swinging or kink. We have a talk happening at the venue from a blog writer specialising in kink and swinging. She will give a talk for people who are thinking about getting into the lifestyle. It will also cover enough elements for people who are experienced so that they can get something from it as well."
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