In our lives, we encounter countless opportunities to communicate our desires, wishes and needs to those closest to us. Yet, why is it that when it comes to the most important person in our lives — often our romantic partner — we tend to find it incredibly difficult to ask for these things? For better or worse, it's a common struggle. Let’s talk about the reasons behind the challenge and explore practical ways to overcome it.
Vulnerability and fear
Expressing our needs can make us feel vulnerable, since it requires us to open ourselves up emotionally. Fear of rejection or judgment can prevent us from mustering the courage to ask for what we want. It's normal to feel this way, and I get so many questions daily from friends, clients and strangers asking, “How do I tell my partner [insert need not being met]?”
I always say, “Just remove the ‘how do I…’ part and simply tell them.”
That’s easier said than done, of course. But it's so important to remember that with vulnerability can also come deeper connections and understanding. Sure, you might not get what you want, which is scary — but you also might. And you’ll feel proud you had the courage to stand up for what you need.
Assumptions and mind-reading
We sometimes fall into the trap of assuming people close to us should automatically know our desires or needs without us having to explicitly express them. This comes into play a lot with communication, especially in the early stages of dating. Say one person wants phone calls but the other only texts. The person who prefers calls is assuming that the texter doesn’t want to call. Really the texter just doesn’t know. We expect people to be mind-readers, leading to unmet expectations and frustration. Clear communication is the key to resolving this issue.
Fixing the communication gap
Before initiating a conversation, take the time to reflect on your own wants and needs. Be honest with yourself and clarify your desires. This self-awareness will provide you with a solid foundation to express yourself effectively. It’s also important to think about the “why” behind your needs.
Then, choose the right timing. Find a calm and relaxed moment to initiate the conversation. Avoid discussing important matters when either party is stressed or preoccupied. For example, if you want to communicate an important desire about intimacy, it’s best not to do that during the throes of sex. Create a safe and comfortable space where both parties can openly express themselves without distractions.
When expressing your needs, try to use "I" statements to convey your feelings and desires. For example, instead of saying, "You never spend enough time with me," try saying, "I feel loved and appreciated when we spend quality time together." People also respond well to statements expressing how their actions made you feel. “When you choose to spend time with your friends every weekend, it makes me feel like I’m not a priority.” Or even just “… it hurts my feelings.” This approach reduces defensiveness and promotes understanding.
Also keep in mind that communication is a two-way street. Listening actively demonstrates respect and genuine interest. Relationships thrive on give-and-take. Be willing to negotiate and find middle ground that satisfies both of you.
In the end, expressing our needs to the most important person in our lives can be intimidating, but with awareness, practice and a willingness to be vulnerable, we can overcome this challenge. Remember, your voice matters, and expressing your needs is an essential part of nurturing and strengthening the bonds that matter most.
