I was watching "Bachelor in Paradise" this week (no shame!), and one of the women on the show, Victoria, broke the news to a contestant she was interested in (Johnny) that someone else “checked all of her boxes.” Johnny, rightfully annoyed and confused, asked, “What does that even mean? What are your boxes?” She went on to list things like wanting marriage and children in the not-so-distant future. Johnny then astutely asked her whether it was more important to plan a future with someone you barely know just because he checks all the boxes, or to actually be with someone you love.
My thoughts? These boxes need to be tossed out. Choosing a partner based on an arbitrary list of boxes, or criteria, is not the key to a happy relationship. Earlier this year, I wrote an article, “Common timing vs. common values,” where I shared that just because someone is on a similar timeline or life trajectory to you, that doesn’t necessarily mean you are compatible. Yes, it’s nice to find someone who wants to, say, start a family in the next three years if that’s something you also want to do. But is that more important than choosing someone who makes you smile every time you walk into a room or finds your love of neon socks as adorable as can be? I’d venture to say no.
I’m going to share something personal: I used to have these boxes. Smart, Jewish, went to a good school, came from a good family, handsome (at least to me). And then I found that person. And we were together for a long time, in the most serious relationship I had ever been in to that point in my life. But what those boxes failed to show me was that he wouldn’t like my favorite Jewish food to cook (kugel), he didn’t find my punny humor particularly funny (and I, in turn, really disliked his sarcasm), and he worked so many hours a week we barely got to see each other. So where did the boxes actually get me? A wonderful relationship for a period of time where I was blinded by the boxes … and then a painful breakup when it became clear that the most important things in a relationship, and in life, aren’t things you can neatly sum up on a piece of paper.
After working with a wonderful therapist, I learned that none of those things were actually important to me — all I really wanted was someone who laughed at my jokes, was intelligent (in a way I could appreciate), and who I was attracted to. Religion was no longer a factor, job was no longer a factor, upbringing was no longer a factor. Once you identify what really matters, the world opens itself up to so many more possibilities.
Back to "Bachelor in Paradise" … in the end, or at least the week of the show currently airing, Victoria ended up choosing to pursue things with Johnny — the non-box checker — and I was thrilled to see it. Yes, Alex had all the on-paper bells and whistles she wanted, but in the end, she felt something for Johnny, not Alex.
Let me be clear, though. Having a few deal-breakers or nonnegotiables is A-OK. If you know there is something you can’t live with — or can’t live without — then by all means, look for it. But beyond that, try not to be so beholden to a list. People are not a sushi menu from which you can custom order. People are just that: people. And tossing out the list might be just the thing you need to find a great fit who might just look or feel a bit different than what you expected … and that is OK. In fact, it’s wonderful.
As a former client told me today, in an email sharing that she not only got engaged but was also expecting a baby (double wow!), “I’m happy, and I’ve learned that happiness is not about perfection, but the depth of joy and capacity to move forward. [He] has many qualities (and things that I don’t always like), but his core is what makes me love him.”
