That’s it for today. I’ll leave you with Ali Martin’s report from Old Trafford – goodnight!
Stuart Broad’s verdict
“We’re really happy. It was one of those good tosses to lose – we were keen to have a bowl, but none of us expected it to nip quite as much as it did in the morning. We’re in a really strong position.
“Jimmy called it early with the new ball – he said it wasn’t swinging but it was nipping, so let’s try and bowl the wobble seam, but not too much, just get it wobbling a little bit. As a bowling group it was a real team effort. Yeah, we’re delighted with that.
“I felt like I bowled a really good first spell. Picking up top-order batters is your job, and it’s good when you can help the team by doing it.
“It feels like a lot’s happened already, so it brings that moving day – traditionally day three – forward to tomorrow. If we have a good day then we’re in the driving seat. There’s definitely a feeling that there will be periods when it goes flatter and slower, especially with the balls we’re using this year, but there’s a wicket-taking ball in there so you have to keep hammering away.
“[On not being given the new ball] Yeah I had a chat with Stokesy yesterday, at the golf course actually. Obviously Robbo’s got great attributes with the new ball, and in the Lions game against South Africa he bowled some really good spells at their openers. Over the wicket, nipping the ball across the left-handers felt like a really good option. I thought he was unlucky; he could easily have picked up more wickets.
“I haven’t bowled first-change that much recently but it’s a role I’m perfectly comfortable with. It was a match-up decision.
“The pitch was very bowler-friendly today, but the Lancashire players always say that day two is the best time to bat.”
Stumps: England trail by 40 runs
England are on top after the first day at Old Trafford, though they will be wary about batting last against Harmeraj on such a dry pitch. A word for Zak Crawley, who played with heart and tranquility – on the surface at least – to make 17 not out from 77 balls. Jonny Bairstow looked extremely dangerous in racing to 38 not out, and South Africa need to dismiss him before the ball get much older.
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28th over: England 111-3 (Crawley 17, Bairstow 38) The circumstances aren’t ideal for Harmer – two right-handers, last over of the day – but he does immediately find a bit of spin. Crawley defends solidly, and that’s the end of another day of 1.5x Test cricket: 262 runs and 13 wickets in 81 overs.
27th over: England 110-3 (Crawley 17, Bairstow 37) Crawley gets his second boundary of the innings from his 70th delivery, sweeping Maharaj carefully round the corner. Time for one last over before the close, and Simon Harmer is coming on to bowl it.
“You need to try that bit harder Rob,” says Gary Naylor. “It didn’t take me long to find Pat Pocockiev.”
Honk!
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26th over: England 105-3 (Crawley 13, Bairstow 36) There are two, maybe three overs for Crawley to survive tonight. Make that one, maybe two, because he has just blocked another Ngidi over. It’s not pretty and it hasn’t even reached effective yet, but in the context of his career and his life, this has been really impressive. Under the same pressure, most of us would have surrendered a long time ago.
“Surely there is a perfect parallel,” begins David Acaster, “between Geoff Boycott’s batting and the name Ernest Bloch (early 20th-century Swiss composer)?”
Ernest ‘Brigadier’ Bloch, as he was known to cricket commentators of the future.
25th over: England 105-3 (Crawley 13, Bairstow 36) Crawley pats Maharaj for a single, which allows the increasingly rampant Bairstow to drag a sweep round the corner for four. He’s scored 29 off his last 26 deliveries.
“How can we forget Keef ‘Viv’ Richards?” pleads John Starbuck.
24th over: England 98-3 (Crawley 11, Bairstow 31) Bairstow cuts Ngidi for four, with the ball bouncing through Maharaj at backward point. That brings up the fifty partnership – see below – and then Bairstow thumps another boundary through the covers. Ever since Nortje gave Bairstow a paingasm by hitting him on the glove, he has been unstoppable.
“This partnership is easily the highest ever between Bairstow and Crawley, beating their previous best of 25 at Ahmedabad last year,” writes Tim de Lisle. “But it’s really been between Bairstow (31) and extras (20), with Crawley (4) playing third fiddle.”
This England team think so far outside the box that it wouldn’t surprise me if they name Extras as an opener someday.
23rd over: England 90-3 (Crawley 11, Bairstow 23) Verreynne appeals loudly for a stumping after a good leg-side take off Maharaj. Crawley was deep in his crease and his back foot stayed grounded, so that’s a complete waste of everyone’s time. After a maiden from Maharaj, Crawley has 11 from 60 balls. He was 5 from 6, so that’s 6 from the last 54. None of this is intended as criticism.
“For some sub-continental flair in the Composers’ XI, A R Rahman of India could be a worthy addition,” writes Kishalay Banerjee. “Mustafizur Rahman being his cricketing namesake, of course.”
22nd over: England 90-3 (Crawley 11, Bairstow 23) The new bowler Ngidi is punched through mid-off for two by Bairstow, who is starting to look dangerous. South Africa will sleep a whole lot better if they get rid of him tonight. Ngidi almost manages it with a big inswinger that hits Bairstow high on the pad.
21st over: England 88-3 (Crawley 11, Bairstow 21) There are still 14 overs remaining, though we won’t get them all in as play finishes at 6.30pm. This will help a bit: Keshav Maharaj is coming back into the attack. A quiet first over, three singles from it.
“Some cricketing composers,” says Oliver Blackstone. “Robin ‘Gustav’ Marlar; Malcolm ‘Craig’ Sargent; Malcolm ‘Geoff’ Arnold; and William ‘Keith’ Boyce.”
20th over: England 85-3 (Crawley 10, Bairstow 19) Bairstow gloves Rabada wide of Verreynne for four and then wallops him through extra cover for another boundary. It was a no-ball, too. I got carried away when I described South Africa’s bowling performance as “majestic”. They have bowled a lot of jaffas, but at times they have strained too hard for wickets. Exhibit A: 19 extras.
“You can add Anderson and Finn (Leroy Anderson and William Finn, both American composers) to the XI,” writes Becky Chantry.
I think Finn Anderson is also a Scottish composer, though I may have imagined that during an unusually riotous afternoon nap.
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19th over: England 71-3 (Crawley 10, Bairstow 7) Crawley avoids another short ball from Nortje that flies away for five wides. Extras is outscoring Crawley 17-10, though Crawley has just reached double figures off his 51st delivery. He’s playing with admirable determination.
“Evening Rob, this is all very much the advert for four-day Tests isn’t it,” says Guy Hornsby. “Two decent but brittle batting line-ups, one searing pace attack and one very much the English military medium/fast. I’m going down the road to Old Trafford tomorrow, so I’m really looking forward to seeing the rare specimen of a Crawley batting in the flesh as England attempt to get a tricky fourth-innings target.”
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18th over: England 64-3 (Crawley 9, Bairstow 7) Bairstow is beaten by a jaffa from Rabada. This has been a majestic bowling performance from South Africa, even more impressive because of the pressure that comes with defending a low score.
Rabada’s sixth delivery is a no-ball, and the seventh is edged along the ground for four by Bairstow.
“I’d like to reassure Ian Copestake. I’m not in a cult,” writes Martyn Fairbrother. “My grandad was Neil’s dad’s cousin. I’ll let any genealogy experts chip in to give the proper term for my relation to Neil.”
So who’s this Harvey fella?
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17th over: England 58-3 (Crawley 8, Bairstow 3) Nortje v Bairstow is a testosterone-off if ever there was one. Bairstow lets us all down by sensibly working a single, and then Verreynne does well to parry another leg-side bouncer for one rather than four byes.
The over ends with Nortje ripping one back off the seam to hit Bairstow on the bottom hand. That looked exceedingly nasty, and Bairstow looks high on the pain. It’s on!
“Cricketing composers,” says Richard O’Hagan. “Don’t forget Samuel ‘Bob’ Barber, composer of ‘Adagio for Left-Handed Openers’.”
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16th over: England 56-3 (Crawley 8, Bairstow 2) “Allan Lamb’s record was not quite what you implied,” says Marcus Abdullahi. “For example, he averaged only 12.85 in 8 Tests against Pakistan with a highest score of 33. Against West Indies, he only went past fifty eight times in 42 innings. His overall Test average was only above 40 at three points in his career, the last of which was August 1983 (ie before his magnificent series in 1984).”
I think the chap who emailed in was talking about the last five years of Lamb’s career, during which he averaged something like 41.91. I agree that he could blow hot and cold, like many hand/eye players I suppose, but in the late 1980s and early 1990s he felt like one of England’s few bankers. I’m not saying he was a great – a career average of 36 is about right – but at his best he was a scintillating player, especially against world-class pace bowling.
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15th over: England 54-3 (Crawley 8, Bairstow 1) A short ball from Nortje beats Crawley and Verreynne on its way to the boundary. For some reason that seems to unnerve Crawley, who misses a wild drive at the next delivery.
All of a sudden there’s a surfeit of testosterone out there. Crawley misses a pull at another short ball that runs away for four byes. England trail by 97.
“I am at the Test with my mum today, who inspired my love for the game and is generally delightful,” writes Joe Molloy. “She has just wondered whether we could form a Composers’ XI, with Elgar grinding gritty runs up top and Wagner pounding the middle of the pitch at the dog end of the innings. Who else makes the side?”
Well we could certainly add Strauss, but my Cricinfo search for Prokofiev hasn’t yielded much.
14th over: England 43-3 (Crawley 7, Bairstow 0) For only the second time in his Test career, Root has been out in single figures in three consecutive innings. The first time was also this year, at the end of the West Indies tour. He’s scored a few runs inbetween.
WICKET! England 43-3 (Root c Erwee b Rabada 9)
Rabada changes ends to replace Maharaj, who bowled only a couple of overs. That’s probably because Root, such a glorious player of spin, is now at the crease.
Whatever the thinking, it has paid off because Root has failed again! He pushed loosely outside off stump at Rabada, a ball he could have left on length, and the second slip Sarel Erwee took the catch at the third attempt. It was almost a replica of the chance Erwee dropped at Lord’s. Almost, because this time he caught it.
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13th over: England 41-2 (Crawley 7, Root 7) It looks like Crawley’s tactic is to ride out the danger rather than run towards it. He has scored only two from his last 28 deliveries, and is leaving as much as possible – as he does effectively for the majority of Nortje’s third over.
12th over: England 40-2 (Crawley 7, Root 6) A long hop from Maharaj is pulled for four by Root, who needs runs to keep his place after a poor game at Lor'… oh I can’t be bothered, it would just have been banter.
“I’m sure it’s been explained,” says Jon Salisbury, “but why isn’t Nortje opening the bowling.”
He feels like a classic first-change wrecking ball to me, especially with the accuracy and movement of Rabada and Ngidi. It’s probably not fair to call him a wrecking ball, he’s subtler than that, but you know what I mean. Often the quickest bowler doesn’t take the new ball. See also Wood, Mark and Donald, Allan (in white-ball cricket).
11th over: England 35-2 (Crawley 7, Root 1) Even without Marco Jansen, this is a helluva South African attack, and they are all over England at the moment.
“I don’t remember too much about 80s England teams, but an abiding memory is that Allan Lamb was forever being dropped and recalled,” says Ben Mimmack. “A quick glance at Cricinfo, however, suggests it was probably only about five times and I was surprised to see that he averaged over 40 for the last five years of his Test career when my memory is of someone perpetually struggling to keep his place. Sorry Lamby. I underappreciated you for many years.”
From memory he only really struggled – at the end I mean - in his last two home summers (one of them against West Indies, which made no sense). He also left a few runs on the treatment table because of injuries during the 1989 and 1990-91 Ashes when he was bang in form. Looking back, he was a cracking player. Not many played the flat-footed cover drive with such elan.
WICKET! England 34-2 (Pope b Nortje 23)
Hot hot heat from Anrich Nortje! Ollie Pope has been knocked over by a blistering delivery: it beat him for pace, took the inside edge and flew back onto the stumps. Pope goes for a breezy 27-ball 23.
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10th over: England 34-1 (Crawley 7, Pope 23) Keshav Maharaj is into the attack already, and why not after his success against these two in the second innings at Lord’s. His fourth ball straightens sharply to beat Crawley and hit the back leg. He survives a huge LBW appeal and South Africa decide not to review. They made that decision on height… and replays show it would have been umpire’s call.
Crawley has 7 from 27 balls, Pope 23 from 26.
9th over: England 34-1 (Crawley 7, Pope 23) The brilliant Anrich Nortje replaces Kagiso Rabada – and Pope sends his first two balls to the boundary. The first was a deft steer between the slips and gully, the second a withering cut stroke.
Pope has an escape when he edges the last ball just short of Harmer at second slip and away for four more. Oof.
“I’m wondering what sort of first-innings lead England can cope with mentally,” says Kim Thonger. “They’re so used to being behind. Anything in the range 1 to 9 I think they’ll be OK. Higher than that it’s unknown territory and I fear for them.”
Are you advocating the funkiest of declarations at 154 for one?
8th over: England 22-1 (Crawley 7, Pope 11) Pope pulls a short ball from Ngidi through square leg for a couple, then steals another short single on the off side. While Crawley is focussing mainly on survival, Pope is batting with confidence and intent.
7th over: England 19-1 (Crawley 7, Pope 8) Crawley survives a hopeful LBW appeal when Rabada gets one to growl back off the seam. It was too high. Crawley takes another single – every little helps – and then Pope drives pleasantly for three.
6th over: England 15-1 (Crawley 6, Pope 5) Crawley’s judgement of off stump has been good so far, though South Africa are trying to scramble his brain by oohing every time he leaves the ball. He survives another challenging over from Ngidi, taking a single off the last ball to keep the strike. It’s fascinating to watch, even if it does feel a little voyeuristic.
5th over: England 14-1 (Crawley 5, Pope 5) Pope walks down the track to Rabada, who is precisely 0% impressed by such impertinence. He looks busy – or frantic, depending on your perspective - but despite his attacking intent it’s a maiden from Rabada.
4th over: England 14-1 (Crawley 5, Pope 5) That drum-and-bass track you can hear is Zak Crawley’s heartbeat. The pinball machine? That’s his brain. But he’s hiding it quite well at the moment, looking relatively composed, and he gets his first boundary with an efficient clip to fine leg when Ngidi drifts outside leg stump.
3rd over: England 10-1 (Crawley 1, Pope 5) South Africa’s healthy cordon – three slips and a gully – are oohing and aahing after almost every delivery. An otherwise challenging over from Rabada ends with a poor delivery that Pope clips through midwicket for four.
2nd over: England 6-1 (Crawley 1, Pope 1) I’m sure it will change as the match goes on, but at the moment this is very much a new-ball pitch. The new batter Pope drops a single on the off side to get off the mark, just as Crawley did earlier in the over.
“I’m sure Martyn Fairbrother’s comment was very interesting,” begins Ian Copestake, “but I couldn’t get past the notion that he is part of a cult devoted to Lancashire players who demonstrate their devotion by changing their names. If I joined I’d probably end up being called Clive Anderson.”
I had you down as Shia Folley, and yes I know that’s not how it’s pronounced but it was that or Cher Folley.
WICKET! England 5-1 (Lees c Verreynne b Ngidi 4)
Yeah, good luck playing that. Alex Lees has gone to a sensational delivery from Lungi Ngidi. It was slightly full of a good length, and it roared off the seam to take the edge as Lees pushed forward defensively. Outstanding bowling.
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1st over: England 4-0 (Lees 4, Crawley 0) Rabada opens the bowling to Hurricane Lees, who flashes the second ball over gully for four. That was a pretty risky stroke, which could easily have gone to hand. Buckle up, buttercup.
“So,” says Gary Naylor, “does Ben Stokes tell Zak to get a lead by the close or be there on Saturday morning? (Yes, I’m aware of the ambiguity in that second option and I think it’s about even money.)”
I now have a pecular and not entirely welcome version of Catatonia - ‘This could be a case for Hameed and Sibley’ – stuck in my head.
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INNINGS BREAK
That’s a near perfect start for England, who should now enjoy the best batting conditions of the match. Should. The pick of the bowlers were the old buggers, who took six for 69 between them, while the returning Ollie Robinson was a lot better than figures of 14-0-48-1 suggest. Apart from some tedious if understandable short stuff against Rabada and Nortje, England were excellent.
WICKET! South Africa 151 all out (Rabada c Root b Leach 36)
All over. The ball after being dropped by a combination of Foakes and Root, Rabada has a huge swipe at Leach and edges straight to Root at slip.
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53rd over: South Africa 151-9 (Rabada 36, Ngidi 4) Ngidi has only scored 109 runs in his first-class career, but so far he has defended competently. One from Robinson’s over.
52nd over: South Africa 150-9 (Rabada 35, Ngidi 4) Rabada slices Leach not far short of the fielder running in from … long off, I think, though I’m not entirely sure.
I was distracted because I was trying to think of the best/safest way to describe the below article. A heartwarming reconciliation? I don’t know, I’ll leave that up to you.
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51st over: South Africa 147-9 (Rabada 32, Ngidi 4) Ngidi drives Robinson gunbarrel-straight for four, an outrageous way for a No11 to get off the mark. He survives an LBW appeal later in the over – too high high.
“I just read that Phil DeFreitas was dropped 14 times by England, between 1986 and 1995,” says David Mills. “Surely some kind of record? Someone once said that the two options for the selectors back then were ‘pick DeFreitas’ if he wasn’t in the team, and ‘drop DeFreitas’ if he was.”
That sounds like a Martin Johnson line. If DeFreitas was dropped 14 times, I’ll be surprised if it’s not a record. Mark Ramprakash and Graeme Hick, two obvious candidates, were dropped around 10 times each I think. It’s a tricky thing to research unless you are the kind of freak who can remember, for example, whether a player was dropped or injured against New Zealand at Edgbaston in 1994. Happily I am that freak, so I’ll report back when I have time to do some research. Devon Malcolm might run Daffy close as well.
WICKET! South Africa 143-9 (Nortje LBW b Robinson 11)
Ollie Robinson strikes with the first ball after tea! Nortje pushed defensively across the line at a good delivery that nipped back to hit the flap of the back pad.
It was given out LBW on the field and, though Nortje reviewed, replays showed it was hitting the top of leg stump. And this time it wasn’t a no-ball. Robinson has the wicket he deserves.
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The players are back on the field, and Ollie Robinson has a cricket ball in his hand.
“The tail started with Harmer and South Africa were on 76,” says Martyn Fairbrother. “They’re now on 143 and we’re still not at the end of the tail. May I suggest dumb, aggressive, determined, exciting, in that order.”
Teatime reading
Tea
50th over: South Africa 143-8 (Rabada 32, Nortje 10) Leach bowls the final over before tea, and as usual Ben Stokes brings the field up to tempt Rabada. He’s having none of it, though he is beaten playing defensively at the final delivery of the session. Tea, father?
49th over: South Africa 143-8 (Rabada 32, Nortje 10) The bad news for England is that Rabada and Nortje look very comfortable. The good news is that they are Nos 9 and 10, so England’s top order should have plenty of fun if they see off the new ball.
“Why, when the top six fell to pitched-up balls are we aiming at the 90mph bowler’s head...” wonders Charles Sheldrick. “Exciting, aggressive, determined or just plain dumb?”
Conditions have certainly changed since the morning session, though this England team would probably bounce the tail if they were bowling on a crazy golf course. I would rather see Ollie Robinson bowl conventionally at one end, but I’m loath to be too critical because there must be a reason for their addictio- sorry, their adherence to these tactics.
48th over: South Africa 142-8 (Rabada 31, Nortje 10) This is now the highest partnership of the innings.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Brian Withington. “In reply to Richard O’Hagan’s nervous enquiry, given the current bowling to the tail I would almost be pleasantly surprised if England are batting before 6.30pm today…”
That period in 2010-11 when Andrew Strauss’s flawless England were routing allcomers. How did we all cope with that?
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47th over: South Africa 140-8 (Rabada 31, Nortje 8) Stokes is bowling slightly fuller to Nortje – waist rather than head height - and he’s almost rewarded when Nortje bat-pads a delivery this far short of Pope at short leg. This partnership is now worth 32 from nine overs; it has felt a lot slower than that.
46th over: South Africa 138-8 (Rabada 30, Nortje 8) Jack Leach replaces Stuart Broad, a positive if risky decision from Ben Stokes. His fourth ball skids on to hit Nortje on the pad, but Chris Gaffaney turns down the resulting LBW appeal. Too high. A good start from Leach; one run from the over.
45th over: South Africa 137-8 (Rabada 29, Nortje 8) England’s frustration continues when, after an over full of short balls from Stokes to Rabada, Nortje glides/edges another boundary off the final delivery.
44th over: South Africa 130-8 (Rabada 26, Nortje 4) There’s a whiff of stalemate about this passage of play, particularly when Nortje, hitherto strokeless, is batting.
Saying which, he has just glided/edged Broad between slip and gully for four to get off the mark from his 16th delivery. With the sun out and the ball ageing, batting looks pretty comfortable even for the lower order.
43rd over: South Africa 125-8 (Rabada 25, Nortje 0) Stokes continues to hammer the middle of the pitch, thus far to no great effect. It would be interesting to see the data since England adopted this tactic against the lower order. They’ve had one or two shockers, most notably against India at Lord’s last year, but there must be a reason why they are persisting with it.
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42nd over: South Africa 124-8 (Rabada 24, Nortje 0) Rabada biffs Broad past Anderson at mid-on for four, an inelegant but effective stroke, and then clunks a pull short of the aforementioned quadragenarian.
“Anyone else feeling extremely nervous at the prospect of England batting before 6.30pm today?” says Richard O’Hagan. “Come on, after the last 12 months I can’t be the only one.”
The last 12 months?!! I’m still in therapy for Lord’s 2005, and that story had a happy ending. Don’t talk to me about Dubai 2012. You don’t wanna go there.
41st over: South Africa 119-8 (Rabada 19, Nortje 0) Stokes replaces Anderson, who has the usual Hadleean figures: 15-4-32-3. A couple of bumpere are deftly avoided by Nortje, who is a better player than a Test average of 8.41 would suggest.
“Pub names?” says Ken Andrew. “My old local in Ireland used to have a regular called Mickey Two Gulps, ‘cos, well, he drank every pint in two gulps.”
40th over: South Africa 118-8 (Rabada 18, Nortje 0) England have to bat last against Harmeraj, so despite a poor start South Africa won’t feel like they are out of this game. Even a first-innings deficit of around 100 wouldn’t alarm them too much.
Broad hits Rabada on the shoulder with a short ball, then pitches it up and is flicked elegantly for two and one off successive deliveries.
“This short stuff,” says David Hindle. “It’s like the Bond villain. ‘Now I will fail in an amusingly ludicrous way, to kill you, so that you will come back later in the story and send me to my doom, Mr Rabada...Mwahahahaha!’.”
Are you saying England are history?
39th over: South Africa 115-8 (Rabada 15, Nortje 0) Rabada pulls Anderson handsomely through square leg for four, then makes room to slap the next ball over extra cover for three. Not sure why Anderson is bowling that length, and I’m sure he’d be thrilled to receive my advice on the subject.
38th over: South Africa 108-8 (Rabada 8, Nortje 0)
WICKET! South Africa 108-8 (Verreynne c Foakes b Broad 21)
Thanks Daniel, hello everyone and goodbye Kyle Verreynne. He has just nicked a beauty from Stuart Broad through to Ben Foakes – superb line and length from wider of the crease, with a hint of movement to find the edge. Broad and Anderson, combined age 312, now have three wickets apiece.
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37th over: South Africa 104-7 (Verreynne 20, Rabada 7) Rabada swings a slow Anderson bouncer around the corner, Leach cutting off the four at your mum’s favourite position, backward square. Do people still respond to questions, statements and greetings with “Your mum”? I do hope so. Anyway, Anderson flings down a fuller one and Verreynne edges … but the ball dies on Crawley. Two dots follow, Anderson fielding well when the over’s final delivery is driven straight, and that is drinks. As such, my watch is over; here’s the great Rob Smyth to croon you through the remainder of the day.
36th over: South Africa 103-7 (Verreynne 20, Rabada 6) Yup, here’s Broad, and Verreynne eases his loosener to third man for one, then Rabada turns the next ball to fine leg for one more. Verreynne then carves behind square on the off side as Athers bemoans the antics up to which his son is getting at Reading; by this time tomorrow, “last evening” will have taken on an entirely new meaning. These two are playing nicely enough now, and though conditions are helping, the hutched batters will be feeling regret, I daresay – England bowled well and the pitch offered a bit, but not a five-down bit.
35th over: South Africa 99-7 (Verreynne 18, Rabada 4) Rabada drives two to cover, and looks alright out there. Imagine the havoc he and his pals would’ve wreaked had Elgar inserted England. You’ve got to laugh.
“In the last 18 months,” says Adrian Page, '“only Root, Bairstow and Elgar of the 22 playing average over 33. Why did South Africa think this would get to day four for two spinners to come in to play?”
Yes, especially with Jansen in nick. But even if we do get there, are we really saying that Harmer is so deadly, he can make the difference? If England are making a mess of playing spin, Maharaj with the seamers rotating at the other end would be more than enough to clean them up – especially given Root and Bairstow are, I think, more likely to be undone by extreme pace than middling turn.
34th over: South Africa 97-7 (Verreynne 18, Rabada 2) Robinson goes around to Rabada and tests him with one that slants in and narrowly eludes the edge; his ability to target the stumps, from in the trees, really is excellent and unusual. Rabada then shoves off the hip for one, the only run from the over, and I’d be thinking about Broad now.
Back to pub characters, there was a lad who used to drink in one I frequented who, whenever I went in, would be putting Jimi Hendrix’s Hey Joe on the jukebox over and over again.
33rd over: South Africa 96-7 (Verreynne 18, Rabada 1) I don’t know, I think there’s a fair chance McCullum and Stokes know more about cricket than I do. But this short stuff to tailenders, when targeting the stumps has got England to this point, doesn’t seem the most sensible. Verreynne nudges a single to leg, them Rabada ducks a bouncer and also get one into the on side. Surely Anderson is good enough to pin him in front or nick him off?
REVIEW! NOT OUT!
Plenty of daylight between bat and ball, more than enough to make a sailor a pair of trousers, for the Enid Blyton fans amongst us. The ball wasn’t far off leg stump, but I’m surprised England went for that.
32nd over: South Africa 94-7 (Verreynne 16, Rabada 0) Verreynne shovels a single into the off side, then Rabada ducks underneath a bouncer. On which tangent, imagine being a spinner with no athletic ability – strong fingers and big hands, but no fast-twitch muscle fibres, reaction speed, or hand-eye – and suddenly you’re facing West Indies. I’m terrified even thinking about it. Anyhow, Robinson sends down another no ball, then thinks he’s gulled Rabada into nicking off via fuller one; the umpire says no, England say review, but I don’t think there was an edge.
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31st over: South Africa 92-7 (Verreynne 16, Rabada 0) Anderson comes around to the left-handed Rabada, but gives it too much and Foakes has to dive leg side to prevent byes. Still, a double wicket maiden; he’d’ve took it.
WICKET! Maharaj lbw b Anderson 0 (South Africa 92-7)
Maharaj had fun at Lord’s, but instead of bowling at his teeth, this time Anderson aims for the sticks, hitting him middle of the pad, in front of middle, as he overbalances trying to adjust to the inswing; this time they eschew the review and right so. Jimmy’s on a hatty!
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31st over: South Africa 92-6 (Verreynne 16, Maharaj 0) Anderson has never taken a Test fifer at OT, BUT HELLO!
REVIEW! STILL OUT!
That was a hail Mary, nothing more. Perhaps harmer hoped he was outside the line, more likely he thought he’d best have a go given the state of things.
WICKET! Harmer lbw b Anderson 2 (South Africa 92-6)
This looks plumb, full, nipping in and hitting in front of middle.
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30th over: South Africa 92-5 (Verreynne 16, Harmer 2) Harmer takes a single then Robinson finds another fine delivery, coming down from on high and landing on that length that has batters unsure whether to play forward or go back. Verreynne does neither, stuck on the crease and jabbing unconvincingly, but when offered width next ball, he opens the face and runs down for four.
“I’d have thought by now that Stokes’ luck would have run out,” says Adrian Page. “I’d still say that his ability and Woakes’ luck would be a cricketer that averages 25 with the bat and 45 with the ball.”
I can’t agree with that – the best sportsfolk have timing, and that’s force of personality and force of skill, I think, not luck.
29th over: South Africa 87-5 (Verreynne 12, Harmer 1) Harmer drops to mid off and charges – what on earth is he thinking? A single like that, with the ball popping up at nicely catchable height and Ben Stokes running onto it with three stumps at which to aim? But inexplicably, Stokes hurls and misses by a way, so yerman is off the mark.
28th over: South Africa 86-5 (Verreynne 12, Harmer 0) Robinson chucks in another no ball, but it’s the only run from another testing over. And we learn that the noise we and Gaffaney heard was the toe of the bat catching the pad; I’m a little surprised that was enough for him to raise the finger.
REVIEW! NOT OUT!
There was no bat – it wasn’t even close to ball – but I did hear a noise, so it makes sense that Chris Gaffaney, who gave Van der Dussen out earlier, also raised the finger for this one.
WICKET! Verreynne c Foakes b Robinson 12 (South Africa 85-6)
But Verreynne reviews immediately!
27th over: South Africa 85-5 (Verreynne 12, Harmer 0) It’s Anderson from the other end and he’s a got an over at Harmer, who’s yet to score; he’s sees away a maiden pretty comfortable.
“I once crashed a random wedding with my village cricket team,” confesses James Barnes. “They knew we were interlopers (most of us in shorts) but they sportingly decided to let us drink at their open bar. Danced to Baggy Trousers with the father of the bride to boot.”
I never had that down as a wedding tune, I must say; I’m not surprised they welcomed the extra oomph.
26th over: South Africa 85-5 (Verreynne 12, Harmer 0) It’s Robinson to set us away again, and his loosner is wide and in the slot, so Verrenne makes sure to put it away through cover; Stokes charges after it, dives, hauls it away from the rope with his fingertips … and they run four. This game! A two follows, inadvertently shouldered through slip, then two more via pull, and that is, I think, the most profitable over of the innings so far, eight from it.
So happy to be able to share this with everyone.
— Mike (@mikebirty) August 25, 2022
Cricket is a game for everyone. pic.twitter.com/l9tH5bhTiV
Big shout out to the Toronto @BlueJays who inspired this from their Pride game in 2018. pic.twitter.com/uNgBbtlATY
— Mike (@mikebirty) August 25, 2022
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Righto, off we go again. It’s sunny now, but do South Africa have the batting left to exploit the improvement in conditions?
“A simpler and more economical solution to pints getting warm is to drink quicker,” offers Martyn Fairbrother in 31 degree Paris, while Jeremy Boyce offers this: “I can’t understand your surprise there. I’m down in the hot south of France, they only ever serve halves/25cl here (it’s all yellow fizz) unless you totally INSIST on a pint, for exactly that reason. Obviously it doesn’t matter when you’re drinking bitter, room temperature is OK. Hence our pints back there in Blighty. However, I deduce that the half-drinkers your mate spotted must have been drinking either laaaaager, or IPA, both of which are better served chilled. Also, given the price of a pint (or almost anything actually) these days, the 10p extra sounds like small beer....”
One might, alternatively, take a leaf out of Withnail’s encyclopedia.
“As a young man growing up in the Midlands,” confesses Deepak Puri, “my mate and I would each put on a suit and tie and head to the nearest Indian wedding venue on a Sunday afternoon. We’d walk in with some confidence, tell the groom’s side we were with the bridal side and vice-versa, then spend the afternoon eating fine food and drinking Black Label. Still can’t do a decent Bhangra, mind.”
Oh, well batted sir. I trust you were the life and soul.
For those asking, here’s the TMS overseas link – it’s no longer secreted in the last place you look, but on the main BBC match page.
“On the topic of pub nicknames,” says Geoff Wignall, “may I offer an erstwhile drinking companion with the Reservoir Dogs-inspired moniker of Mr Brown? Because he always got wasted early.”
Lovely stuff! I must say, I was wondering if that was going somewhere a bit less luncheon-friendly.
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25th over: South Africa 77-5 (Verreynne 4, Harmer 0) Leach continues and Verreynne, whose name may also be sung to Dolly Parton’s Moeen, cuts hard at a wide one and under-edges … but Foakes parries into the ground! That wasn’t easy, but you’d expect a keeper of such dexterity to grab it. So, given another life, Verreyne takes a single to point, and that is lunch. England have bowled really well, exploiting helpful consitions, though South Africa haven’t been as solid as they’d like. I’ll do some emails in a moment, then see you in 30 or so for the afternoon sesh.
24th over: South Africa 76-5 (Verreynne 2, Harmer 0) Well, we’ll solve that Jansen v Harmer batting debate sooner than we thought.
My mate from the pub returns, noting a group of blokes who would only ever order halves despite two halves costing 10p more than a pint; rationale was they wanted their beer as cold as possible from the tap when drinking it. Attention to detail, beautiful.
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STILL OUT!
The ball was tickling the top of the bails on middle. Umpire’s call but harsh for Van der Dussen, whose team are in all sorts.
REVIEW!
I’m not surprised. That was pretty high…
WICKET! Van der Dussen lbw b Stokes 16 (South Africa 76-5)
Stokes goes wide of the crease, spears it in, and whacks Van der Dussen on the inside edge of the front pad; the umpire waits before giving the finger, but up it comes.
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23rd over: South Africa 75-4 (Van der Dussen 16, Verreynne 2) Stokes tosses Leach the ball, and Van der Dussen spanks his first delivery to midwicket for four. They’re the only runs off the over so, back to the 90s, I trust it’s not just me singing Verreynne’s name to this.
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22nd over: South Africa 71-4 (Van der Dussen 11, Verreynne 2) Looking at the wicket again, we see Stokes’ hands over his face as Broad’s were when he took that amazing catch at Trent Bridge – only this time, the shock is at how poor his behaviour was. Markram, for his part, will be raging.
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WICKET! Markram c Foakes b Stokes 14 (South Africa 68-4)
Oh, Aiden! Again Stokes goes short, again he pulls, and again he mistimes, youching his frustration as Foakes races left to pouch the skier. There’s that human brain again, and there’s Stokes’ strawberry-blonde arm again – he knew that delivery had no business getting a wicket, but that’s how he does.
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22nd over: South Africa 66-3 (Markram 12, Van der Dussen 11) Stokes introduces himself into the attack and Markram mistimes his loosener for two, via pull.
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21st over: South Africa 66-3 (Markram 12, Van der Dussen 11) Markram takes the first ball of Broad’s latest over for three to cover point, then Van der Dussen beaten by another beauty, hanging bat away from body even though he doesn’t want to because the human brain cannot be legislated for. A no ball follows, turned to midwicket for two which makes three, and the partnership is now 25; these two don’t look comfy, but do look more so than the lads already out.
Back on the pub nicknames, a mate of mine – hard to believe, I know – grew up in a hostelry, and we sometimes order a Ron the Dustman. This was named after Ron the Dustman, a dustman named Ron who was a regular. He’d have half a cider with a splash of lemonade, along with a small glass of white wine, which he’d drink with alternate sips, while constantly combing his hair.
20th over: South Africa 60-3 (Markram 9, Van der Dussen 9) After a leg bye, Anderson offers Van der Dussen some width and he doesn’t need asking twice, making sure he gets bat and hands right through the ball, earning four past gully; two more follow to cover, as we see Stokes warming up for a little go before lunch.
“Steven Haslemere‘s email about renowned drinkers reminded me of a gentleman from my youth,” says Greg Campbell, “who was known as the Grim Reaper, such was his ability to be the first to appear at a deceased’s house to offer his condolences and accept a consoling drink.”
The Gin Reaper; the Grim Refill; I think we can do even better with this lad.
19th over: South Africa 52-3 (Markram 8, Van der Dussen 3) Broad has four slips and a short leg as he charges in, spiriting yet another off the seam and beating Markram for both movement and speed. So Markram looks to get down the track, half-batting one he intended for square leg to midwicket; they run two.
“Doesn’t it seem a little breaking-a-butterfly-upon-a-wheel to point out that Dezza Pringle wasn’t quite Test standard?” wonders Robert Wilson. “For a start, ‘Test standard’ was a very shifting proposition at that particular moment in English cricket history. And then when you consider that he is the only international cricketer to appear in an Oscar-winning film (he was in the Freshers’ Week scene in Chariots of Fire). Plus the nice curly hair. Come now, sporting performance can be quite a reductive metric, old thing.”
I’d add to that that any kid running into bowl imitated his action, ball rocking in hand and arm tucked close to the body – and though I’m a little young to remember his curly phase, as the owner of a Jewfro I respect him for it. My apologies to all concerned.
18th over: South Africa 50-3 (Markram 6, Van der Dussen 3) Five more dots from Anderson, before he strays onto the pads and Van der Dussen glances him around the corner for two.
“I love the idea of a cricket version of Speed,” says Jeff Vincent, “but surely Ben Stokes has to be played by Damian Lewis? I had to check the cast list to make sure it wasn’t actually Ben Stokes playing Henry VIII in Wolf Hall.”
I thought Tom Hardy was perfect, I must say – he’s got that ruggedness and hint of danger Lewis lacks, and seems a lot more likely to throw hands outside Mbargo.
17th over: South Africa 48-3 (Markram 6, Van der Dussen 1) I wonder if England read conditions better than South Africa, or at least knew that they were perfect for their attack; the pitch isn’t doing loads, but it’s giving line bowlers just that smidge of help they need. On top of that, batting conditions should improve, and though I understand why Elgar opted to take first knock, with his line-up and against this opposition, that was a very big gamble that, so far, has failed. Meantime, Broad is bouncing in, ceding a two and a one before beating Markram with one that dies before reaching Foakes and scuttling away for two more; two to midwicket follow, making that seven off the over.
16th over: South Africa 41-3 (Markram 2, Van der Dussen 0) Anderson replaces Robinson, who bowled really well and will, no doubt, still be cursing the no ball that cost him the wicket of Elgar. Still, he more than played his part in making it happen – in that opening spell, it was him exerting pressure more than his more august partner. Maiden.
“Only tangentially related to your 12th over request (insofar as it combines booze and spirituality,” emails Steven Haslemere, “but there was a Sikh gentleman well-known around a pub I used to attend in Cambridge. His nickname was ‘The Exorcist:’ when he went round to your house all the spirits disappeared.”
Oh that’s lovely.
15th over: South Africa 41-3 (Markram 2, Van der Dussen 0) We see Matty Potts sitting indoors and I think he might be taking notes; that’s interesting if so. He’ll know he’s got work to do, especially in bowling at lefties, and watching Robinson’s first spell, he’ll also know that unless there’s an injury, his Test-match summer is probably over. South Africa really, really need these two make lunch, and there’s an appeal when Broad clouts Van der Dussen’s thigh pad; I think there was an edge, and I’m sure it eas going down.
WICKET! Petersen c Root b Broad 21 (South Africa 41-3)
Broad has 2-3! He’s absolutely loving these conditions and, knowing him, the appalling slight of the new ball going elsewhere. Pitching on a length, he tempts Petersen to flash at one he could leave – p-r-e-s-s-u-r-e – and Root ouches the catch at one. England are all over this; South Africa are, as they say around OT, stroogling.
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14th over: South Africa 40-2 (Petersen 21, Markram 2) Petersen presents the full face, earning three down the ground – I think those are the first runs taken to that area, which tells you how well England have bowled, because they’ve been pretty straight and fairly full, yet still haven’t been driven. Anyhow, Markram tickles two to mid on, then, Robinson responds with one that lifts off a length and nips away too; Markram does well to stay inside it.
“I recall being a guest at a barmitzvah in the mid-1970s,” says John Starbuck, “and enticed to try the whisky via the offering of loads of fruit cake, naturally needing something to wash it down with; a very obliging middle-aged lady being the temptress.”
Had you just graduated?
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13th over: South Africa 35-2 (Petersen 18, Markram 0) Markram ignores the first ball he faces, and that’s over.
And that will be drinks. England have earnt one, South africa need one.
WICKET! Elgar c Bairstow b Broad 12 (South Africa 35-2)
Stuart Broad! He’s been excellent this morning, of course he has, and though Elgar did his best to guts it out, he can’t help but wave at one that leaves him off a length, Bairstow doing really well – at three, I think – to slide fingers under ball, on the dive. England are rolling!
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13th over: South Africa 35-1 (Elgar 12, Petersen 18) Fingers are rocking on as Broad experiments with a new appealing technique – how do you do fellow kids – after squaring up Elgar and whacking the pad. But the ball was clearly going down – as even he has to concede, eventually. So Broad goes again, whacking the pad again and that one looks much closer … but again, the angle, from around to the lefty Elgar, means he’s missing leg stump.
12th over: South Africa 35-1 (Elgar 12, Petersen 18) The camera pans to DI Gower, who Sanga tells us, knows his plonk so well he’s on the wine committee of the Garrick Club. I love the way it’s possible to turn thirst-quenching into an intellectual pursuit – modern orthodox Jews are bang into their whisky, so growing up, I’d feign an interest in islays, speysides and such to tickle the ego of those adults who owned the bottles and considered their boozing a reflection of intellect, in order to get myself slaked. Please feel free to share your tricks! Anyhow, back in the middle, Robinson, diddles Petersen again – that’s the tenth time he’s beaten the bat this morning – and he keeps doing it in the same way, a bit of bounce, a bit of nip, and an implacable line from on high. Except his next ball is cut hard to the point fence for four, and two more follow.
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11th over: South Africa 28-1 (Elgar 11, Petersen 12) Broad replaces Anderson and Petersen pokes his loosener to point for a single; Broad retaliates with one that beats the outside edge with both bounce and shape. There follows brief excitement when Elgar looks to turn to leg and misses – Foakes grabs, only to learn it’s via pad not bat – then Elgar takes one more to extra. England are right on top here, but they’ll want another wicket quickly, before the batters ensconce.
10th over: South Africa 26-1 (Elgar 10, Petersen 11) Oh this is a lovely shot from Elgar, who’s done well to hang around, and now drives Robinson through long off for four. BUT HAVE AN ABSOLUTE LOOK! Robinson coaxes the inside-edge, it’s guzzled at short leg by Pope, Elgar walks … and out goes the umpire’s arm to signal a no ball. Expletive! All that time out, a fine spell this morning, and now this; Robinson will be feeling sicker than a parrot that’s just smoked an entire pack of Embassy No1s.
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9th over: South Africa 21-1 (Elgar 6, Petersen 11) Anderson strays wide and Petersen makes sure he doesn’t miss out, throwing hands to make sure that the ball flies through backward point and to the rope for four. So Anderson retorts, pinning him on pad and crease; there’s an appeal, but it’s going down. Two singles follow.
“I was surprised by some of the names suggested for the nefarious cricketer from the 90’s cruelly cast aside roster,” emails Mark Slater. “Hemmings and Pringle pretty much played for as long as they were of Test ability, the latter being something of a stock bowler when Gus Fraser was crocked, but the really astonishing one was Hick. I was earlier trying to remember a player like Zak Crawley who was always being given a chance to prove himself to the possible detriment of trying others – and the name I was looking for was Graeme Hick. My choice from the list is Kim Barnett, whose long term exclusion until too late was always fodder for cricket writers.”
Barnett was on my list, but we were talking about players who came in and out, rather than ones who were cruelly cast aside, I think, hence Hemmings and Pringle – though I’m far from certain either was ever of Test-match ability.
8th over: South Africa 15-1 (Elgar 5, Petersen 6) Elgar takes another single off Robinson’s first ball, but his third is an absolute pinger, the high release point forcing it to leap off the pitch and jag off the seam; Petersen could’ve had a bat the side of Jansen and still missed that. He then gets off strike with a single to off, before Elgar edges one that leaves him late … just short of Stokes at three … or not! He couldn’t quite get a hand under it, and though it would’ve been a screamer, I can’t say it didn’t carry. This is every bit as intense as we need it to be.
7th over: South Africa 13-1 (Elgar 4, Petersen 5) Already, England have South Africa under more pressure than at Lord’s, and not just because they haven’t collapsed yet – this is much better bowling. We learn that Anderson is playing his 100th home Test, something that’s never been done before and will likely never be done again, which makes me marvel, not just at his unfathomable skill, but his astounding lean whippiness and devotion to sustaining that. Anyhow, Elgar shovels two to cover then a single in similar direction, and this is a really good battle.
6th over: South Africa 10-1 (Elgar 1, Petersen 5) Elgar has now faced 14 balls without scoring, but following a Stokes-angering leg bye that allows Petersen off strike, he forces a single to backward square after which a thick edge earns Petersen four, the first boundary of the match. It rained a lot last night, we learn, as Root dries the ball with a towel, which works nicely for Robinson, who then extracts a bit of extra bounce and seam movement, moving one away from the bat with no reward.
“Tom van der Gucht’s characterisation of Speed as high-brow certainly raised my eyebrows a notch or two!” exclaims Steven Haslemere. “High-brow, really? What does that make a film like Inception, then?”
Not as wise as it keeps advising you it is?
5th over: South Africa 4-1 (Elgar 0, Petersen 1) Looking again, Foakes almost made a mess of that, getting to the ball with his wrists – but he did well to adjust on the dive. Petersen then nurdles to backward square for one, and this match is away.
WICKET! Erwee c Foakes b Anderson 3 (South Africa 3-1)
Now this is a concept movie we’ve seen before, but it’s no less enthralling for that. After a few moving away, Anderson coaxes one to nip back and Erwee, who’s been doing his best to edge, finally connects with one, the ball passing between bat and body, for Foakes to snaffle.
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5th over: South Africa 3-0 (Elgar 0, Erwee 3) Anderson beats Erwee’s outside edge again – he’s not settled yet…
4th over: South Africa 3-0 (Elgar 0, Erwee 3) With the first two balls of the over, Robinson finds some late away-swing having incited Erwee to drive; both times, he misses. Then a single twizzled off the tootsies to backward square earns him another single, the only run off the over, and Robinson goes at Elgar from around – to no avail.
3rd over: South Africa 2-0 (Elgar 0, Erwee 2) I’m still thinking about Tom van der Gucht’s concept cricket action movie; imagine how many suspects there’d be! Capel, Ealham, Austin, Ramps, Hick, McCague, Ilott, Bicknell, Irani, Hemmings, Crawley, Gallian, Morris, Pringle, Rhodes, Salisbury, Larkins, Watkin, Mallender, Maynard, Barnett, Reeve and so on. Anyhow, this is a much better over from Anderson; his first ball kisses Erwee on the box, then a single to square leg allows the batter to recuperate down the other end. Staying around to Elgar, he then denies him width and is finding his rhythm.
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2nd over: South Africa 1-0 (Elgar 0, Erwee 1) It’s Robinson from the other end, which I think makes more sense than Broad. The pitch didn’t do loads in that first over, but have a look! Robinson’s second ball is full, bounces and jags away, far too good for Erwee’s outside edge. So he survives and gets the scoreboard going with a back-footed press to cover for one, then Robinson forces Elgar into an inadvertent edge onto the pad. That was a pretty decent over, especially from someone who’s not played a Test in a while.
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1st over: South Africa 0-0 (Elgar 0, Erwee 0) Anderson begins from around and sends his loosener flying down the leg side, handing Ben Foakes an early stretch; his second ball is on the money and his fourth is excellent nipping in but passing over the rainbow stumps – what a lovely initiative that is. Cricket, and everything, are for everyone. Maiden.
“‘Though Duckett is in form now, perhaps they don’t think him a viable Test batter over the stretch,’ says Graham O’Reilly, quoting me back to myself. “And Zak is ? Wow!”
Well, the selectors seem to think so. I’m not saying they’re right, just trying to suggest why they might be doing what they’re doing.
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Jimmy Anderson will open the bowling from the James Anderson End. Are they related?
“I disagree with Sanga that swapping Harmer for Jansen lengthens the tail,” emails Martin Brook. “They both average around 20 in tests and Harmer’s fc average is 0.43 higher than Jansen’s.”
I was just looking at that – Harmer has two first-class tons and made 50 and 38* for Essex against Surrey just a month ago.
Anthem time. I do like the South Africa one.
“Can you think of any test cricketer in history whose surname is a palindrome,” says Richard Davies, “apart from South Africa’s Aiden Markram? Got to go, nurse says it’s time for my medication.”
That is a very good question. The internet tells me he took the record from Rangy Nanan, who played one Test for West Indies in 1980.
“It’s cold and blustery here in Cape Town, so real Manchester weather,” says Trevor Tutu. “I suppose if anyone knows Old Trafford it would be Mike Atherton, but I can’t help feeling that England wouldn’t really like facing the South African attack if the ball is doing anything this morning. I like that we are playing two spinners though, and that probably explains why we are batting first.”
Yup, either way makes sense for South Africa. I guess the way Elgar sees it, England also won’t fancy facing his attack with 450 on the board; there’s no bowler as deadly as SB Pressure.
“No batsmen demanding inclusion?” asks an incredulous Kevin Wilson. “Didn’t Ben Duckett smack a big hundred against a Test-quality South African attack a couple of weeks ago? He can easily slot into any of the top three positions.”
I can’t second-guess the selectors, but aside from wanting to give the incumbents every chance, they’ve also got to distinguish between form and class. So though Duckett is in form now, perhaps they don’t think him a viable Test batter over the stretch.
Teams!
England: 1 Alex Lees, 2 Zak Crawley, 3 Ollie Pope, 4 Joe Root, 5 Jonny Bairstow, 6 Ben Stokes (capt), 7 Ben Foakes (wk), 8 Ollie Robinson, 9 Stuart Broad, 10 Jack Leach, 11 James Anderson.
South Africa: 1 Dean Elgar (capt), 2 Sarel Erwee, 3 Keegan Petersen, 4 Aiden Markram, 5 Rassie van der Dussen, 6 Kyle Verreynne (wk), 7 Keshav Maharaj, 8 Simon Harmer, 9 Kagiso Rabada, 10 Anrich Nortje, 11 Lungi Ngidi.
“I watched Speed last night,” brags Tom van der Gucht, “and was lamenting how we don’t get high-brow action films with a clear selling point like that anymore. Die Hard, Point Break, Executive Decision etc ... I think the beauty of these films was the basic pitch so I got thinking about cricket (no pun intended) and came up with my action cricket film:
It’s 2023 ... the Lords Coronation test ... King Charles and newly elected (following a snap Truss election) PM Keir Starmer are in attendance. England are in trouble, just before lunch they’re 4 down for 15 runs within the first hour. Stokes (played by Tom Hardy) walks through the Long room and is handed a note by a steward as he enters through the gate: it reads... “Bombs are planted around the ground ... The Duke balls have a mile-o-meter installed ... each one has to travel a minimum of 10km every hour ... if not ... kaboom. No-one else knows, and if they find out ... KABOOM! If you make it to 80 overs, you’ll have saved everyone...” With beads of sweat dripping, he smashes his first 3 balls for 6 and continues going ballistic until ... Lunch!
The film continues with dramatic moments including a flurry of wickets followed by Leach stonewalling; the opposing team questioning the state of the ball and Stokes sweating as it is passed through the shape hoop as he looks on powerless ... An onset of cramp ... slow over rates ... etc.
It’s writing itself!
Turns out the bomber is a disgruntled ex-player shafted during the 90s by the revolving door selection policy. Perhaps played by John Simms. Perhaps, Stokes communicates what’s happening to Andy Zaltzman in Morse Code through dot balls and singles over a quite two over period who alerts the authorities.”
Mark Lathwell, movie star – I love it!
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“I’m glad Robinson’s been picked,” emails Jonathan Robinson, “he offers something different. However, I’m not sure I get the height/bouncy OT pitch analysis. I can see the SA batsmen leaving him on height all day long, until they force him to pitch it up, so they can drive. Obviously, when he now gets 7-57, you can thank me.”
I’m no expert, but I think the rationale is that his natural length hits top of off on this track, and I doubt he or England will mind if the South Africa batters try and drive him.
Sanga notes that by replacing Jansen with Harmer, Elgar has lengthened South Africa’s tail, so their middle order will need to bat well to set up something at which their spinners can bowl.
“Maybe I’m looking at it too simplistically,” returns Matt Dony, “but I don’t see it as playing the same way in all conditions and situations, more about approaching each game with the same mindset, and removing a fear of failure. More philosophical than physical. But then, yes, there needs to be a certain amount of ability to adjust during the game. The question is, how do you find that balance, while instilling a new approach and mindset? Completely cede the point about opener selection, though. Picking someone who you accept will be streaky at best does rather undermine the ‘go at it and be exciting’ message.”
If that was the case, I’d agree. But after Lord’s, McCullum said that his team weren’t attacking enough in their first innings, when to my untrained eye it looked like batting time and putting the bowlers into their third and fourth spells made more sense than trying to thrash them off their lengths.
England were going to field, says Ben Stokes, because of “these fantastic bowling conditions”; I daresay they fancy a chase too. He’s really happy for Ollie Robinson, who’s worked really hard to get back and whose bounce he thinks will work well on this track. He defends Zak Crawley again, obviously, and reckons a hiccup of the sort his team endured at Lord’s is fair enough.
South Africa win the toss and bat!
Dean Elgar says it looks quite dry, and when you pick two spinners you have to back yourself; Simon Harmer replaces Marco Jansen, not because of anything Jansen has done but because he’s a horse for a course. Though today looks a bowling day, he says every day is a bowling day in Manchester.
“Good morning Daniel and everyone,” says Dean Kinsella. “Amidst all the changes being rung in cricket, on and off the pitch, at least one thing doesn’t change: England, after their batting was decimated in the Lords test, only drop a bowler. Go figure.”
Yes, this does tend to happen a bit – but not without reason, I don’t think. I guess there aren’t that many batters demanding inclusion – Harry Brook maybe – and the biggest difference between the sides was the attack, I think. The problem England have is that it’s still one RFM for another because the quicks are all injured – though perhaps Robinson’s height will extract more from the pitch.
Email! “You’re exactly right,” begins Matt Dony, in an incredible turn-up for the books. “Those early wins are totally unsustainable. But they were thrilling and exhilarating and amazing. And is that a price worth paying? Last week was painful, but mercifully brief. Yo-yo-ing hilariously between the agony and the ecstasy seems like fun. It might not be classic Test cricket, but there’s a lot to be said for confusing excitement.”
I don’t think it’s one or t’other – it depends on circumstances. So going for an unlikely target and risking the draw to get a win, fine. But picking an opener, then telling him he’s not expected to be consistent, and that a decent knock every now and again is fine? Playing the same way in all conditions, every match situation and regardless of the opposition? I don’t totally get that, nor the inference that Test cricket should be 100mph all the time.
It’s overcast in Manchester, but no one has ever inserted the opposition and won a Test at OT; furthermore, Athers is adamant that whatever you think about the weather, regardless of whether these will be the most swing-bowling friendly conditions of the match, you bat. And yet, I bet South Africa will be tempted to insert England, just as England will be tempted to make sure they bat last.
Preamble
At teatime on day two of the Lord’s Test, I got chatting to a friend of a friend about why England were in so poor a position. “We’ve got a saying in Pakistan,” he said, so I excitedly prepared myself for an aphorism of beautifully lyrical evocation, for use in nonsense such as this. “Pace is pace,” he said.
And he was right. Sometimes there’s no need for anything metaphorical, because the tautological is metaphorical enough: pace is pace. It’s probably fair to note that South Africa won a good toss, but it’d be foolish to think that was the key difference between the sides. Rather, it was four bowlers of quality coming from varying angles and heights, all of them delivering the ball at greater speed than England’s – after two days’ play, the tourists had delivered 89 balls at 140km/h and above; England had delivered one, in 32 more overs.
Then, on day three, I was en route to haitch cue – steady yourselves, this is another gripping yarn – and a mate mentioned that he might have to leave early to satisfy domestic demands, so I helpfully reassured him that the match would be over long before the close. This is not because I am a seer; rather, this is what England do: all the Bazball in the world can’t alter the fact that their batting is light, and the style of those early summer wins, though amazing, is unsustainable.
In such context, the last thing England need now is a visit to Old Trafford and the country’s most testing Test wicket. We can’t be certain how it’ll play, but generally speaking, it rewards quicks with a bit of extra zip and spinners with a bit of extra rip – or, put another way, the South Africa attack. Of course, it’s not as simple as that, partly because it rarely is and partly because Branderson, now loose, know how to bowl in Manchester and know how to rebound from a tousing. This is going to be great.
Play: 11am BST
