QUE SERA, SERA …
England’s Euro 2022 campaign has been a tough time for the Who Cares Brigade. Winning in front of 68,781 at Old Trafford. Who cares? Beating Norway 8-0. Who cares? Completing the group unbeaten with a 4-0 victory over Northern Ireland. Who cares? Battling past the tiki-taka of the Spanish and then thrashing Sweden, the second-best team in the entire world. Who cares? To the WCB, the whole thing is simply not worth watching, although 9.3 million people apparently disagree.
Now, time for a final against Germany at a packed Wembley and mixed emotions for Weird Uncle Fiver, a hardcore WCB ultra. He has repeatedly barged into the Fiver family WhatsApp to show his disdain that they have moved EastEnders and the One Show for the sake of women kicking a ball. Now, though, Weird Uncle Fiver has changed his tune because there is a little bit of history between the two nations and, frankly, he has jumped on every bandwagon since the wheel was invented.
Uncle Fiver has bad memories of facing the Germans. He once went to test-drive a BMW but left upset after finding out he had to bring it back. From that day on he vowed to only ever buy British, so is currently driving an Austin Metro and gets by without lightbulbs in his house. Now he has new enemies to focus on: Alexandra Popp, Sophie Kleinherne, Merle Frohms and Lina Magull are in his sights, as is a trip to the tattoo parlour to get portraits of Lucy Bronze and Beth Mead inked on to his back.
Last year’s Euros final was perhaps the best day of Weird Uncle Fiver’s life, apart from the loss on penalties and his subsequently arrest. He will return to Lah’n this weekend, head to toe in red and white paint, joining the masses to cheer on the Lionesses from Leicester Square. After all, he has modernised and is as woke as any Tory minister these days. As he messaged the WhatsApp group this morning: “If you don’t put a flare up your [snip! – Fiver Ed] on Sunday, you’re a s£xist.”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It will be a great football feast. It’s a Klassiker, it will be an incredible final. We will be playing at Wembley in front of 80-90,000 people – most of them for England and against us – but we understand that and we’re accepting the challenge” – the Germany coach, Martina Voss-Tecklenburg, is 100% ready to spoil the party on Sunday.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Women’s Football Weekly is here, with the podders talking about Germany’s semi-final win over France and their Wembley showdown with England. Over on Football Weekly Extra, Max, Barry and co break down the latest Euro 2022 action and take a look at the Football’s League return with Ben Fisher.
FIVER LETTERS
“I always read the Fiver, as it is essential for my health to digest each day at least one thing that is meaningless pap. Imagine my surprise, then when I read the opening two paragraphs of Wednesday’s Fiver and was taken aback by actual proper journalism that puts Big Paper to shame. Moreover, I agree with every word you wrote. Please stop doing this. At my age, new sensations are not always welcome” – Paul Arnold.
“May I be among the 1,057 assorted eye-rolling Celts to remind The Fiver that there are four nations in the United Kingdom, one of which actually competed in the same tournament as the team we are all apparently supposed to go giddy over? – David McCall (and no others).
“Can I be the first to commiserate Lee Smith on his barely believable feat of missing out on letter o’ the day on consecutive days with the same letter. Also, can you keep printing this letter until you put prizes back on?” – Niall Flanagan (and 1,056 others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Paul Arnold.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The former Crawley manager, John Yems, has been hit with multiple charges by the FA over allegations of racism and discriminatory behaviour.
Ukrainian officials have condemned Fenerbahce fans who chanted Vladimir Putin’s name after Dynamo Kyiv scored an equaliser in their Champions League game in Istanbul. The visitors went on to win the game in extra time.
Advantage England: the Lionesses will play in first-choice white at Wembley on Saturday, with Germany wearing their dark green away kit. Take that Merkel, up yours Delors, etc.
Frank Lampard’s Everton have sealed a deal for Dwight McNeil. “He has huge talent and is exactly the type of player we want,” roared FLE manager Frank Lampard.
Liverpool will be without injured keeper Alisson and forward Diogo Jota for the Community Shield on … seriously? This Saturday? “Diogo is not here with us so how could he play a football game?” mused Jürgen Klopp.
Championship Jedi master Chris Wilder is planning to use the Forss to secure promotion, with Brentford striker Marcus joining Middlesbrough for around £3.5m. Sorry, that worked better in our heads.
Torino’s pre-season plans have taken a hit, after manager Ivan Juric and sporting director Davide Vagnatti were apparently filmed engaging in an unseemly scuffle at the club’s training camp in Austria.
And Jens Lehmann is being investigated by German police after allegedly damaging a neighbour’s garage with a chainsaw. Bild have reported that the former Arsenal keeper damaged several roof beams “in a frenzy of rage”.
STILL WANT MORE?
England are in a major tournament final, but Max Rushden is yet to feel the familiar pangs of terror. In his column, he tries to figure out why.
Europe’s elite have been splashing the cash this summer, but who is best placed to wrest the Champions League trophy from Real Madrid? Ben McAleer takes a look.
Premier League previews ahoy! Today, it’s Crystal Palace and Everton.
Will Germany Popp England’s bubble at Wembley? Nick Ames sees reasons for England to believe on Sunday.
Sparky! Crypto! Timmy Abraham! Get the lowdown on the League Two runners and riders with Ben Fisher.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s comments about Romelu Lukaku in a new book are likely to intensify their spiteful feud, writes David Hytner.
Follow all the latest done deals with our men’s and women’s transfer interactive guides.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
