OH ENGLAND, HOW COULD YOU?
The Fiver has no memories of 1928 when England were last shellacked at home in such an utterly hilarious embarrassing fashion but Great Grandad Fiver is still absolutely fuming and talks about that dreadful day every 31 March. Ninety-four years ago Henry Healless and co were thrashed by the Alexs of Scotland, with Jackson getting a hat-trick and a double for James. How could we ever forget such a day?
One wonders how a nation could recover from such a monumental thumping. On that day it was just a meaningless friendly between England and Scotland at Wembley, as opposed to something as serious as a Uefa Nations League match in mid-June at Molineux. The loss comes at the end of four matches in 11 days and a gruelling season for the majority of those involved. The Fiver assumes the season will inevitably be officially extended for a ROOT AND BRANCH REVIEW™. There was a right-back at left-back, an inexperienced midfield and even a West Ham player in the team. It was all a bit of an experiment in the hope of saving the legs of the poor souls forced to be part of this squad. We must make sure this never happens again.
Anyway, it is now late-afternoon and the “You’re getting sacked in the morning” brigade have been proved wrong about Gareth Southgate, due to those cowards at the FA. In 1928, the suits themselves picked the team and continued to do so until 1946, which should give Southgate some hope of holding on to his job for a little while yet. Southgate might have helped get England to a World Cup semi-final and then a European Championship final, but imminent relegation from Nations League Group A Pot 3 Subsection Q really has insulted fans of criticism, who have been missing out in the past week or two. They should fret not, mind: the season starts again in a few weeks.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I came off the game the other day thinking I’m going to go grey so early over here. You feel like you can score and concede in the same phase of play. It’s fast; it’s end-to-end; it’s transitional. There’s probably not as much desire to keep the ball” – Casey Stoney gets her chat on with Sophie Downey about adapting to life as a manager in the USA! USA!! USA!!! with San Diego Wave.
FIVER LETTERS
“Far be it for me to tell The Fiver how to do your job, but you missed the best bit about Andrew Redmayne’s penalty shootout heroics (yesterday’s Fiver). Peru’s Pedro Gallese had copious notes about the Socceroos’ flamin’ penalty techniques written on his water bottle, in the time-honoured cheating-for-your-A-levels fashion. Redmayne’s first act in goal was to take Gallese’s bottle and yeet it into the stands. Having a new keeper come on for the penalties would rattle anyone, but not as much as having your cheat-sheet unceremoniously tossed away seconds before the big test. Forgive me for enjoying this: we’re still guaranteed to go out at the group stage with three straight losses” – Adam Osborne.
[#EXCLUSIVO⚠️] La cámara de Movistar Deportes captó el preciso momento en que el arquero de Australia Andew Redmayne jugó sucio contra Pedro Gallese y la Selección Peruana.🇦🇺🇵🇪
— Movistar Deportes (@MovistarDeporPe) June 15, 2022
Más imágenes a RAS DE CANCHA hoy desde las 9:00 p.m. en #ZonaMixta (003 y 703 en HD). pic.twitter.com/gLCvar6Yix
“If previously being shown on ITV was historically the kiss of death for England, what does that make Channel 4?” – Andy Taylor.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Adam Osborne.
RECOMMENDED BOOKING
Max, Barry and the pod squad are back on the road. The last remaining tickets to live shows in June and July are available here.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Four men are in custody after a police officer was assaulted outside Molineux before England’s 4-0 rout by Hungary.
Former Liverpool and Newcastle midfielder Danny Guthrie has been declared bankrupt after he racked up £120,000 in gambling debts.
Costa Rica manager Luis Fernando Suárez feels vindicated for persuading old stagers like Keylor Navas and Bryan Ruiz to stay on with the national team after sinking New Zealand 1-0 to reach the Human Rights World Cup. “This group is spectacular, I can’t describe it,” he described. “It is a spectacular human group.”
Gianluigi Donnarumma isn’t particularly enamoured with hacks asking him about howlers he made in Italy’s 5-2 gubbing by Germany. “When did it happen before?” he honked, tripping over his own laces. “If we want to cause controversy over these things, then fine … if you want to blame me, fine, I’ll take the blame, I am the captain and I keep going with head held high.”
La Liga clearly still has the funk on over not signing Kylian Mbappé, filing complaints to Uefa that PSG and Manchester City are in ongoing breach of FFP. “La Liga considers that these practices alter the ecosystem and sustainability of football, harm all European clubs and leagues, and only serve to artificially inflate the market, with money not generated within football itself,” sniffed big cheese Javier Tebas.
Liverpool’s £85m man Darwin Núñez has signed a six-year deal and backed his ability by grabbing the No 27 shirt vacated by club legend and scorer of Big Goals, Divock Origi.
After spending his peak years playing bass at Manchester United when he should have been lead guitar, Paul Pogba is set to sign a £7m-a-season deal to get noodling again at Juventus.
Nottingham Forest are sniffing around a loan deal for Dean Henderson.
And Christian Eriksen’s future remains up in the air. “I would love to play [Big Cup] football again,” he cheered. “I know how much fun it is, but it isn’t essential for me.” Just as well, given he’s being linked with a move to Old Trafford.
STILL WANT MORE?
Go Go Power Rankings! Nick Ames and Ed Aarons run the rule over the final 32 teams for the HRWC.
Which manager has the worst winning record in European finals? The Knowledge knows.
Steven Pye sets the dial back to 1984 and remembers when Billy Bingham’s Northern Ireland won the last ever British Home Championship.
Is Adnan Januzaj set for an emotional reunion with David Moyes? The Rumour Mill has all the transfer gossip you could ever need, right here.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
