Eight years ago, my husband Mark died. Our youngest child had just turned 11. Mark had been ill for five years. Finally, he waited till the kids and I were out of the house, and ended his own life. By the time he died, he was bedridden, in constant discomfort, doubly incontinent, unable to taste, smell, or see much, but when he was well, he was handsome and brilliant. He was an archaeologist and academic. He was also a dad, a brother, an uncle and a friend. The things he liked included fossils, Tom and Jerry cartoons, jazz, cycling, Rome, 19th-century novels and yellow climbing roses.
Under the present English and Welsh law, ending your life because of physical suffering is a very lonely and isolating experience. Mark knew he wanted to die, but to protect me from prosecution, he could not have me with him at the end, or even share his plans with the person closest to him. He couldn’t access psychological support because all the professionals who might provide it are obliged to treat suicide as a risk, and something to be prevented in all circumstances. And, most of all, he had to die alone, with nobody holding his hand. His act was a brave and loving thing. It still hurts and angers me. Keeping assisted dying out of reach doesn’t stop people trying to end their lives. It just forces people to die bleak and derelict deaths. Dying people deserve better. They deserve choice.
It will be Mark’s birthday this week. In memory of him, I will go to Westminster on Friday, to try to stop more people dying the way he did. It’s too late for Mark to have a good death, but not too late to give other people that chance.
Sarah Tarlow
Sewstern, Leicestershire
• It was reassuring to read Lord Falconer’s criticism of several vociferous ministers on the subject of assisted dying (Ministers speaking out against assisted dying ‘are giving false impression’, says peer, 24 November).
I was luckier than Polly Toynbee and Rachael Sterling, who were forced to look on helplessly while their mothers suffered the agonies of final-stage cancer. Decades ago, in another country, my mother was in a similar situation. However, her doctor of many years, who knew her well and had long admired her indomitable spirit, was not prepared to refuse her plea for help when she felt that the time had come. Risking his career or even imprisonment, he gave me a prescription for the medication that would end her life. In the evening of the next day, my beloved mother was able to take the tablets and, then soon after, she gently fell into a deep sleep. My intense grief afterwards was more bearable because of her almost last words: “I always knew I could rely on you.”
Of course we need improvements in palliative care, but logically it is not an either-or situation. It does seem that much of the clamour against assisted dying is at least in part fuelled by religious belief. In our secular society, however, we surely should be given the right to freedom of choice. I know that I do not want spend the last phase of my life being cared for in a hospice, even if the care is on a five-star level, aside from the fact that total pain relief is not always possible.
At the end of the day, it comes down to a question of equality. Should the need arise, I am fortunate enough to be able to afford the cost of a journey to Dignitas, while this would be impossible for others who feel as I do. It really is time for a change in the law, and I beg MPs to vote accordingly.
Ellen Dahrendorf
London
• Gordon Brown’s article was deeply moving (Spending time with people in their final days showed me that we need not assisted dying, but better end-of-life care, 22 November). He drew on his own personal experience and made many relevant points – particularly about the potential abuse of any new assisted dying legislation. I am, however, very worried about his (and Wes Streeting’s) views on the need for better palliative care instead of personal choice about end of life.
My mother died of CJD in 2003. She had the very best of care, not least the palliative care provided by the Princess Alice hospice. She was well looked after and the staff were amazing.
But, despite this, her final couple of weeks were awful – she lost the swallow reflux and so she could not eat. The decision was taken to stop all food and drink and so she basically died of thirst and starvation. While I don’t think she was in pain, she looked permanently terrified and we had no way of communicating with her as her mind had shut down. Having spoken to many friends who have been through the same thing with their parents, this seems to be a typical “well managed” death in the current system. How can it be right to treat someone this way – she had the best possible palliative care, but it was still inhumane.
I do not want people to be forced to make the decision to die before they are ready, but oh my goodness I hope that I do not have to go through what my mother went through – I want to be able to make my own choices about how I want to die.
Charlotte Cornish
Richmond, London
• After spending some time recently in a rehabilitation hospital with some very elderly patients, I have had ample opportunity to observe the realities behind Gordon Brown’s exposition. My main conclusion is that I want the opportunity for choice. I have seen amazing care offered by hard-pressed, gentle, caring staff. In the middle of the night I have listened to frightened people calling out for help and pain relief they have already had. Also, they are often completely immobile and need help with the slightest movement they need to make and have no personal control over any aspect of their lives. So please do not take away from me my ability to choose how my life should end. I have more faith in my ability to choose than in this country’s ability to put in place a foolproof method of end-of-life care, which would have to include individual rooms to ensure a proper night’s sleep and individual lavatory and shower facilities to guarantee everyone’s health.
Elizabeth Lloyd
Aberdour, Fife
• Gordon Brown makes a powerful case for better palliative care. His personal experience is moving. However, why can’t we have both – better palliative care as well as assisted dying? My husband had good palliative care, which was so helpful but eventually not effective as his pain increased towards the end. It remains my belief that he should have had a choice at the end.
Sherna Ghyara Chatterjee
Esher, Surrey
• Very few people seem to be putting the most important point about having the option of an assisted death. If such a provision is in place, it will give millions of people some peace of mind as they go into old age. I have had a haunting dread of a painful or obscene death, knowing that sometimes these things cannot be dealt with by nursing care, and ever since I was a child I have wished there was some easy route out of an unbearable situation.
Studies have shown that if people know there is a way out, they live longer and feel happier. I am now 70 and I cannot tell you what a relief it would be to know that if things get unbearable there is a way out. I have a terrible dread of pain.
Elizabeth Smith
Exeter, Devon
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