SPOILER ALERT: This blog is for people watching Downton Abbey series four. Don't read on if you haven't seen episode two .
Viv Groskop's episode one blogpost
Not a bad episode. Nothing disastrously cringeworthy happened. Low on anachronistic dialogue for once. (With the notable exception of someone going "back in my box".) But, heavens, was it boring. Where are the laughs? Where is the drama? You could feel Uncle Julian and his team of mouse scriptwriters resorting to desperate measures to make it seem like anything was going on.
Part of the problem is that viewers who have been watching for three long series now (who will soon be offered counselling on the NHS, or at least they should be) know and trust their favourite characters. Anna is a particular viewer favourite, despite, or perhaps because of, her essential sweet-natured tedium. Never in a million years would Anna permit, let alone encourage, a member of the lower orders to visit one of the upstairs crew.
So the idea of her sourcing a housemaid's costume for Rose to dress up in? It is beyond crazed. Yes, this is the same Anna who dragged the recently fornicating corpse of the Turkish ambassador ("Oh, Kemal!") through the corridors of Downton Abbey. But that was to save Lady Mary's reputation, not to ruin it, as Rose is ruining hers. That said, I suspect certain viewers will have very much enjoyed seeing Rose in a housemaid's costume. Fifty Shades ahoy.
The set up of the New Evil Pairing between Thomas and the new housemaid was promising but so slow. It was perversely pleasing to see the wonderfully lugubrious Molesley reduced to demeaning manual labour, although he seemed to have got more tar on his face than on the road. And thank heavens Edith has recovered her composure and is batting off the future Nazi.
Meanwhile I was torn between thinking that Bates has become exceedingly creepy, virtually stalking his own wife and making serial killer faces at her, and acknowledging that he is probably just bored out of his skull because the most exciting thing he had to do this episode was write a letter. Remember: Bates has killed before. (Never did understand that poison pie explanation behind his first wife's death.)
In happier news, several essential details lead me to believe fervently that Uncle Julian is (whisper it) reading this blog and acting accordingly. First, Isis's backside was magically restored to the opening credits. Bravo! Then the weird mouse rabbit thingy (the toy Lady Mary gave to Matthew when he went to war) apppeared in the box of Matthew's workplace artefacts. Hurrah! Also: someone posted last week about how ludicrous it was to suggest that a solicitor would not leave a will. Matthew mentioned this VERBATIM in his own letter. Uncle Julian, if you are reading, please prove it. Let there be a framed picture of Melty-Faced Patrick on Edith's dressing table next week. We will be watching. Probably.
Random subplot alert
Yes, the old section headings are back by popular demand. (Stand by, Golden Eyebrow fans!) Now, we have had some choice subplots in our time but the one with Double-Crossing Music Hall Chum Mr Grigg and "Alice" – a woman whose portrait resembled Carson in drag – has been truly random. Certainly we're heading for a big revelation about Carson's crazy music hall days but the build-up is excruciating. I did honk heartily at the idea that a high-stakes, life-changing conversation should take place over the 60 seconds during which a train stops at a station. Grigg quoted Alice: "Charlie Carson was the better man. I could have loved him. I did love him really. But I was a fool and couldn't see it." It was not easy to get the words out as the guard hovered with his whistle. Let's situate all essential plot denouements at the station while someone is boarding a train! Yay!
Golden Eyebrow award of the week
It was a close contest this week between Carson and Lord Grantham. Hugh Bonneville rarely gets much forehead use as his character is supposed to be stoic at all times. But there was a rare MEGA-EYEBROW as Dame Maggie opposed him keeping Matthew's letter secret. "Yes, but you see I don't agree..."
Offering stiff competition was Carson's errant right eyebrow which shot skywards as he pretended to maintain his composure as Mrs Crawley discussed Double-Crossing Music Hall Chum Mr Grigg. Carson, the current holder of last season's Golden Eyebrow award, would usually win this contest hands down. Or eyebrows up. But he was hampered by the fact that he was involved in a totally irrelevant and uninspiring storyline involving the Double-Crossing Music Hall Chum. It's a tie.
Surprise character development
Not so much a surprise as a betrayal. The dowager countess (Dame Maggie) has undergone a lobotomy. As the preposterous feminist revisionism continues apace, we are supposed to believe that she would be Lady Mary's main champion, encouraging her to run the house. This is the woman who only a few episodes ago asked, "What is a weekend?" because she could not empathise with anyone who has an actual job. Lady Mary might well have someone in the house supporting her cause. But not Granny.
'Sorry could you just repeat that awkward line of dialogue?'
• "Nothing's as changeable as a young man's heart. Take hope and a warning from that." We love Mrs Patmore.
• "Well, that's me back in me box, then." Mr Sam Thorley, Rose's suitor from the tea dance, upon learning that "Rose Smith" was promised to a farmer. This expression is listed on Urban Dictionary. I will say no more.
• "Now the room's going to smell like a tart's boudoir." Lady Mary to Anna, after perfume was spilled. You wish, Lady Mary, you wish.
Next week
It's Kiri de Kanawa and Mini-Den from EastEnders! Mini-Den is flirting with Anna! Mini-Den is inspiring shenigans in the kitchen! (As well he might.) And the suitors come flocking to Lady Mary.
