A self-described "doormat" mum is worried her next-door-neighbour is going to pressure her into giving her child free lifts to school.
The mum is in the process of moving house and her new next-door-neighbour, who she doesn't know, has a child who is in the same year at school as her son. Despite not yet moving in, the neighbour has already been hinting at wanting the mum to drive her child to school because it's "hard" for her to get to school in the morning.
The neighbour has even told her own child the mum will be doing the school run, as her child told her son they'd soon be driving to school together. The neighbour hasn't outwardly asked for a lift yet but the mum is already feeling anxious and "guilty" about the impending conversation and wants to "politely" let her down.
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The mum is in the process of looking for a new job and is unsure what her schedule will be, plus she enjoys being free to take her child for an ice cream or to visit friends after school, and is worried about having to factor someone else's child into any potential plans. She took to Mumsnet's popular Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU) thread to seek advice on how best to handle the situation.
In a post titled ' How to decline giving a lift politely ', she explained the "cheeky" circumstances and penned: "The mother has commented in the handful of brief five minutes I have met her previously how hard things are for her in terms of getting to school etc. obviously hinting but as we haven't moved there not outwardly asked yet! My son came back from school on Friday and said "x said we'll be travelling to school together".
"I know where all this is leading and will result in me having to provide her with free transport "just because I'm going there too". Just for context I'm very softly spoken and can be a doormat. Also this is RL [real life] so I cannot do the usual mumsnet line of "No is a complete sentence". I have to keep things civil as we will be NDN [next door neighbours] plus see each other at school.
"How can I politely say I don't want to? My mum who enables my doormat behaviour thinks I should "help the poor lady out". In the past situations like that have [resulted] in so much inconvenience for me such as not being able to spontaneously just go for ice-cream after school or pop to a friend's house. It's also annoying having to be on same-time each b****y time."
The mum's post was met with a flurry of responses from fellow Mumsnet users, keen to share their thoughts. One said: "That sounds tricky - I went through a lift share situation, we made a rota, but it just made it more difficult instead of easy because it's SO restricting. If I wanted to do something on a Tuesday after school before going home, I couldn't because I had to take X's child home. And if I said I couldn't pick up her child that day because I needed to take mine somewhere, I'd get messages like "since you didn't pick up on Tuesday, how about you do Thursday instead of me" even though I picked my own child up on Tuesday I just couldn't get hers! SO restricting, don't do it".
Another simply said: "Now is the time to be an adult. It'll save you heaps of time and misery." A third said: "Wait until you're asked...but in the meantime, practice saying "I don't know my schedule so don't want to commit to anything." It's the truth, after all."
And another commented: "Tell your son that the other child was mistaken and that won't be happening. Ignore any hints from the other mum. I'd ignore your own mum here as well - she can give random people lifts if she wants, doesn't mean you have to. If the neighbour asks directly, say no, as you've got involved in lift share arrangements that have gone wrong in the past, so won't be doing that again. Do not do it."
One Mumsnet user said: "Just say you're not able to. This person's school run logistics are not your problem. I've been roped into this in the past and ended up having someone's kid at my house for hours after school because mum had "an emergency" after about 3rd time I put my foot down and said no more".
And another added: "Don't agree to anything! One of my neighbours has an excellent but quite brutal system. She will give lifts but refuses to pre-arrange or commit to anything. The children she's willing to drop off have to be waiting at her car at a set time and she will take them. If they're not there she goes without them. I'd just refuse to entertain any regular bringing home full stop and just say it's not convenient. Lift sharing can work but it's got to be reasonable and reciprocal. It's also a really good way to fall out!"
In a follow up comment, the mum replied: "I'm essentially a stranger and she is hinting at a huge ask. Fair play a few weeks or months into knowing her but it is cheeky. Would you agree to give a total stranger's kid a life just cos you happen to live close by? It's easy to say you would help others out but reality is most people [wouldn't] inconvenience themselves. I have been a doormat my entire life and in the past would have already offered due to her hints. I'm really trying to make my life easier and not inconvenience my family. The days my husband will be going into office we wouldn't even have a seat free for him. I have tendency to think of other people's needs to the detriment of my own hence why I posted this as if I wasn't such a people pleaser saying No would be no big deal for me but as it stands it's really making me feel guilty".
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