Name: Sharkskin.
Age: 420m years or so.
Appearance: Incredibly attractive to tuna.
I can vouch for this. I wore a sharkskin suit on a night out recently, and someone hurled a can of John West at my head. That sounds very unfortunate, but I’m afraid we’re talking about real sharkskin here. As in the actual skin of an actual shark.
And actual tuna? That’s right. They can’t keep away from sharkskin.
Even though the sharkskin comes attached to a real-life shark? Yes. Why?
I don’t want to spook any tuna here, but do they know what sharks do? Yes, but the skin performs an important function: a project led by the University of Western Australia has discovered that other fish, especially tuna, will often swim up to sharks and rub against them to help shed dead skin and parasites.
Of all the fish in the sea, they had to choose sharks. This is because sharks are apparently the perfect underwater scratching post. Their skin is abrasive enough to scrape off parasites; plus, as researchers noted, they have “relatively large, long and flexible caudal fins, and [a] relatively slow and predictable tail beat”.
I’m just talking for myself here, but I have never been so itchy that I’d risk being eaten by a shark. Did you ever think that maybe we’ve got sharks all wrong? Maybe they aren’t the unrelenting killers the movies would have us believe. Look at how happy they are to help all these itchy fish in need.
I suppose it’s a sign of nature in action, too. That’s right. We are part of a complex and fluid ecosystem, and every plant and animal plays its part. This study shows that even apex predators such as sharks can be beneficial to those around them.
Beneficial? It actually looks like those tuna are trying to bully the sharks. Perhaps the sharks enjoy having fish parasites wiped all over their bodies on a daily basis.
You think? No, they’re absolutely being bullied. But has this changed your opinion on sharks, now that you know they are basically mobile loofahs?
You know, I think it has. Sharks aren’t even that tough, anyway. Drone footage from earlier this month showed a great white shark being chased down and murdered by a pod of killer whales.
So it’s killer whales that are the problem? No, no, that’s not what I was getting at. Remember what I was just saying about the complex and delicate ecosystem?
Down with the killer whales! Well, this has backfired.
Do say: “Fish scratch themselves on passing sharks.”
Don’t say: “I’d like to order the tuna psoriasis, please.”
