Don't make him mad! Tom Cruise at the UK Valkyrie premiere

Tom Cruise welcomes you (yes, you!) to the premiere of his hot new motion picture. Look at that 100 watt smile; stare into those radioactive eyes. He's so happy to see you that he might combust at any second. Just don't mention the Scientology, dude! Don't make him riled! Just shake his hand and grab a seat Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

Not so fast, dude! There are some other people he wants you to say hello to first. This British "bloke" goes by the name of Wilkinson, but his first name is Tom - just like Tom! He's also married - and here's his wife. And guess what - Tom's here with his wife too! Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

Now here's another of those British "chaps" who acted in the movie with Tom. His name is Tom Hollander. Just like Tom! (The Tom bit, not the other bit.) Whoah, spooky! Tom likes Tom, but he's not sure about that fluffy stuff on his face. Who does he think he is: a goddamn werewolf? Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

Wait, don't sit down just yet. There's still time to meet Bryan Singer, who directed Tom and all the other Toms in the movie. It's all about a German guy who tries to save the world by killing Hitler. Tom plays the German guy Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

Whoah, the film hasn't even begun yet and already Tom's got lucky! It's none other than Mrs Tom (aka Katie Holmes). So hands off, dudes. Look but don't touch. Don't get him riled now Photograph: Dave M Bennet/Getty

So where are we sitting? Not in the good seats (those are for Tom). Instead, we're near the back, behind Melinda Messenger and her husband Wayne. What role does Melinda play in this movie, then? Eva Braun, maybe, or some SS werewolf woman. But no - turns out she's not listed in the credits Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

Right, here's our seat, middle of row V, next to Top Gear's James May. Move your case, James, the film's about to begin Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

Whoops: a minor commotion down at the front. What's that David Frost doing here? We're showing Valkyrie, dude, Valkyrie! Frost/Nixon is next door. Don't make Tom angry, now. Valkyrie! Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

Now who are these jokers? What the hell is going on? No wait - it's OK, that's Eddie Izzard and Bill Nighy. They're both in the movie. Tom likes them. Call the security guard off Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features

Goddamit! Late arrival! Tom's gonna go nuts. Who is it, anyhow? Connie Fisher? Another damn Brit, and not even called Tom. This doesn't look good, but OK, all right, somebody find her a seat. The movie's about to start. Remember to cheer when Tom comes on screen, and we want a standing-O at the end. OK, shut up, it's starting. Don't make him angry etc ... Photograph: Richard Young/Rex Features