Name: Chocolate.
Age: Many estimates say 4,000 years, though there’s some evidence that it might be even older.
Appearance: Brown and rectangular, usually.
Pass Notes is nearly 30 years old. Have we really never done chocolate before? Apparently not. We did Toblerone in 2016, Easter (and, by extension, Easter eggs) in 2003, and Jaffa Cakes in 2010.
Jaffa Cakes are biscuits, not chocolates. They’re actually cakes and that will be the end of this discussion. Anyway, it appears that we haven’t yet covered chocolate. And a good thing too, because it turns out we’ve been eating it wrong the whole time.
Have we? We have, if you believe the food scientist Natalie Alibrandi, who has been analysing the results of a new 2,000-person study of the nation’s chocolate habits, commissioned by Galaxy.
Go on, then, what am I getting wrong? Well, for starters I bet you keep your chocolate in the fridge, as do 78% of study participants.
No, of course I don’t. Oh. You don’t?
Fridge chocolate is too cold, and can become discoloured. That’s correct. The optimum chocolate storage temperature is 18C, according to the study. Keep it colder than that and you could cause oxidation, leading to sugar blooms. Plus, if you put chocolate in the fridge, it will start to taste of whatever else is in the fridge.
I knew that. Well, you’ve still been eating chocolate wrong your whole life. When do you usually eat it – at night?
No, usually about 11am. Right, OK, again that’s supposedly the correct time to eat it. Chocolate contains sugar and caffeine, which, according to Alibrandi, helps to give you the perfect pre-lunch boost. Also, your palate is fresher earlier in the day, so you’ll get the full hit of chocolate as it was intended to be eaten.
I knew that too. Tell me then, do you chew your chocolate?
Obviously. A-ha! Gotcha! You should never chew chocolate.
Really? Am I just supposed to keep it balanced inside my mouth? Yes! That’s exactly how you’re supposed to eat it. Chewing chocolate makes it disappear too quickly, limiting your sensory experience. What you want is to get a big chunk of chocolate and keep it in your mouth for as long as you possibly can until it melts all over your teeth and tongue.
Any other advice? Yes. You should have no more than six chunks of chocolate in a sitting, as any more than that can overload your senses, meaning you won’t be able to detect the subtle nuances, and will have a less pleasurable experience.
This all sounds wildly impractical and very stingy. Doesn’t matter. That’s how you’re supposed to eat chocolate. Like a hamster storing nuts for winter, not like a person eating some chocolate.
Do say: “The correct way to eat chocolate is to never chew it.”
Don’t say: “Next week: the correct way to eat ice-cream is to stare at it until it evaporates.”
