Dear Coleen
Please help me see sense. I’m a woman in my 50s and divorced with grown-up children.
I’ve been seeing someone on and off for quite a while. He’s also divorced and we started out as friends, but then began sleeping together.
We didn’t put any pressure on each other, as we both agreed we weren’t looking for another husband or wife after our divorces.
Things were fine at first, but then he started seeing and sleeping with other women. He meets them via dating sites and he’s also done a few singles holidays.
He doesn’t try to hide it and in fact he’s now talking about it quite a lot – almost boasting about his love life and his sexual prowess.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t tell him it’s over. I’m smart enough to realise he’s treating me badly. He likes me being around and sex is good between us, but he wants to be a free agent.
I was really damaged by my divorce – my husband cheated and is now living with the woman he had an affair with. My kids don’t live with me, so I suppose this man fills a gap.
I’d love some friendly advice. Please don’t judge!
Coleen says
No judgment here! I think he’s taken the no marriage thing and not wanting to be tied down as a green light for an open relationship. Maybe it’s a communication issue – he’s assuming it’s OK and that’s why he feels he can talk to you about it. Also, sometimes if you’re friends and cross the line, you become a “friend with benefits”.
But there are no real benefits for you here and it’s obviously not what you want, so I think you know what you have to do. It’s hard, but in the long term this relationship is damaging for your self-esteem, which has already been battered by your ex-husband.
I’d recommend counselling. I’ve been having therapy recently and, until I started it, I didn’t realise how damaged I was from my divorce until I began talking. I hadn’t realised how much it was affecting my ability to move on with the right person.
I was reverting to type because there was safety in it – I recognised those behaviours and emotions and realised I didn’t want to go there again. Maybe this guy is more like your ex than you’re willing
to admit.
Be honest with him – tell him you may not want to get married again, but you do want a monogamous relationship.
I think the key thing here is to work on rebuilding your self-esteem, so you recognise that you deserve better.
You can fill that gap with other things and other people.
