There have been many terrifying episodes in Denise Welch’s 31-year battle with mental illness.
Like the time her mum found her trying to climb out on to a window ledge as crippling post-natal depression left her “longing for oblivion”.
Or the moment she almost threw herself out of a moving car on the way to a hospital appointment.
Then there was the time she hid in a dressing room before a TV appearance “crawling around and banging my head on the floor trying desperately to deaden the pain within”.
But one of her most horrifying experiences was an extreme depressive episode that made her physically contorted and unable to speak.
At that point a doctor warned her family that electroconvulsive therapy might be necessary.
“I started to feel pins and needles all through my body,” recalls actress and Loose Women star Denise in a candid new book.
“My hands tensed up and I couldn’t move my fingers. My mouth twisted to one side, I couldn’t speak.
“My body was out of my control. It was probably one of the most terrifying moments of my life.”
Fortunately, Denise improved and did not need the gruelling treatment.
But she says: “My depression was so bad that ECT was the next step. I had never imagined my mind could have so much power over my body.”
It was a shocking wake-up call for Denise, now 61, and a reminder of how her world can be changed in an instant by the arrival of her “Unwelcome Visitor”.
That’s how she describes the cruel illness that first took hold after the birth of her son Matthew in 1989.
Because when her Visitor arrives without warning he “drains the colour from my life, makes me avoid everybody and I just have to exist until he goes away”.
She says: “Sometimes he knocks at the door, turns around and leaves. Sometimes he will stay a few days but sometimes he will be here a year and I hate him for the pain he causes.
“But, over the past three decades, I’ve learned that the Unwel- come Visitor WILL go, and life will be sunny again. I know I’m loved and cherished and I don’t have to worry about telling people he’s arrived.”
Denise has long been an advocate for mental health awareness and has spoken openly about her experiences.
Last September she opened up on social media by sharing videos she made in the midst of a depressive episode.
And the extraordinary response led to her writing her new book – The Unwelcome Visitor: Depression and How I Survive It.
She says: “I’d been travelling to the North East to visit my sister Debra. But by the time we reached the Angel of the North I knew my Visitor was on his way. As always happens, I get a metallic taste in my mouth and a tingling in my palms and all the colour goes.
“I went to bed, woke up next morning and he was still there. I picked up my phone and, instinctively, started to film myself.
“I felt stripped bare and vulnerable, but I felt I had to show how it felt. I knew many people would already understand but hoped it might help others learn. But I never expected the reaction to my posts. More than 1.5 million saw them and thousands sent me heartbreaking messages.
“I was overwhelmed. People were saying ‘You’ve helped me understand my son’s illness at last’ or ‘I’ve never really had much empathy before but now I want to learn about depression.’
“That’s what made me burst into tears... and determined to write this book to try to help others.”
Fans who have followed Denise’s TV career will be shocked to learn depression blighted her TV success on Spender, Byker Grove and Soldier, Soldier.
In tomorrow’s Mirror we reveal how her attempts to ease the pain led to her self-medicating with drink.
At the height of her fame as Corrie barmaid Natalie Horrocks she was on the path to alcoholism. Denise, who was married to Benidorm star Tim Healy for 24 years, tells how she was “engulfed by a suicidal, pitch-black depression” after the birth of their first son.
Her mum took her to the GP “practically catatonic” but she finally explained: “I am so depressed.”
Denise says: “Without a flicker of sympathy, she said, ‘Well, I had five children, dear, and I just didn’t have time to get depressed.’ I still can’t quite believe it but her words are burned on my psyche.
“Thirty years ago, no one that I could re- late to was talking about depression. Even doctors didn’t understand. I have almost had to self-diagnose my illness over the years.
“I was told it had to be some trauma that happened to me, not just the chemical chaos of having a baby or the massive hormonal imbalance I had which no one looked at for years.
“Clinical depression is a crippling, isolating and occasionally terminal illness. Yet those who have it still somehow have to PROVE we have it.
“You wouldn’t say to someone with a severe physical illness, ‘Well, you’ve had that for a month now and you look fine – so come on, get out of bed.’
“That’s what makes it one of the cruellest diseases there is. We have slogans like ‘It’s good to talk’ but there are still people who won’t treat someone in the workplace with a mental illness the same way they would a physical one.
“Depression is not just being sad. It does what it says on the tin – it pushes everything down and you can’t feel any emotion.”
Many people turn to booze or drugs because of this. “Anyone who has depression will know that at times you will do anything to stop the pain,” says Denise.
“Drinking just makes you 10 times worse. By numbing the pain for a short time, you’re lengthening the time it stays with you. It was a horrendous time.
“So I can tell anyone with depression they’ll be doing themselves a favour if they take alcohol and other substances out of their lives. Eight years ago I got sober and it was the best thing I ever did. Giving up alcohol doesn’t cure clinical depression but it stops it being compounded.”
Denise, happily married to Lincoln Townley since 2013, adds: “Writing a memoir about depression makes it sound as if the last 30 years have been horrendous, which is rubbish.
"Life is full of joy and laughter when I’m not ill, all the usual ups and downs.
“But a lot of special days were spoiled by my Unwelcome Visitor.
“Putting them down in black and white in defiance of him proves he hasn’t beaten me and will never triumph. I want other people who suffer from depression to know they can get through it. I want to show them how bad it has been but that I’ve survived.”
*The Unwelcome Visitor: Depression and How I Survive It by Denise Welch is published in hardback, ebook and audio on June 25 by Hodder & Stoughton.
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