In Everyday Dilemmas, Dr Leslie Cannold uses her ethical training to help solve your problems. Send your questions to letters@crikey.com.au with “Dear Leslie” in the subject line. She might even reply…
Dear Leslie
I am an occasional newspaper columnist and public thinker who considers himself sharp, witty and erudite. Sadly I have recently discovered the woman I love thinks I’m an ageing, predictable bore (she used a different, more Anglo-Saxon description to a mutual friend) who stays with me only because, well, we’re both getting on and she can’t be bothered to leave. Also, I’m paid well. How do I rekindle her respect but continue to write my columns that she (mistakenly) thinks are utter tripe?
Hapless of Warringah
Dear Hapless,
Oh you poor soul! My heart goes out to you. I’d be horrified if my beloved was meh about my work or thought I was past my intellectual use-by date. That she is saying this to other people is even more concerning given that kindness and mutual respect are the core constituents of a healthy marriage, and talking out of school about your spouse at all — little less with these things to say — is a concerning sign.
But you love her and crave her respect, though not enough to stop voicing the opinions she finds tedious. Tricky and from where I sit impossible to know how to square that circle. More importantly, it’s impossible for you to know where your marriage stands and how to get it back on track when the thrust of your knowledge about her unhappiness comes from gossip.
In whatever way the two of you communicate about sensitive subjects — letters, emails, texts, voicemails or on the sofa after dinner — it’s time for the two of you to face the issues in your marriage and whether they’re able to be remedied.
I really hope it goes well,
Leslie
Dear Leslie,
I’m in love with my best friend. I want her to know, but she’s straight. I just hate feeling like I’m lying to her all the time.
Closeted in pain
Dear Closeted,
This is so hard. I’ve had a number of lesbian friends over the years who’ve suggested that falling in love with a straight woman is a painful rite of passage that is so impossible and consequently painful you learn never to do it again.
So you’re not alone with what you’re going through but, yes, you’re in a real bind. My guess is that the only way out — if you don’t want to end your days without a romantic partner but in a friendship that lacks the no-holds-barred openness that defines a best friendship — is to tell your friend how you feel. If she doesn’t share your feelings, take a break from the relationship — long enough for you to get over her and hopefully meet someone who can give you the love you’re looking for and deserve.
Once you are over it, you can return and ask to be friends again if the platonic relationship she can offer still feels of value.
I know this is not what you want to hear. If you do want a second opinion or just a sympathetic ear to talk about how you’re feeling, contact Reachout.com or another reputable LGBTIQA+ support service.
Keep well my girl,
Leslie
Send your dilemmas to letters@crikey.com.au with “Dear Leslie” in the subject line and you could get a reply from Dr Cannold in this column. We reserve the right to edit letters for length and clarity.
