DEAR ABBY: My longtime girlfriend has male friends who visit her during the day while I am gone for about a week each month. I know them, they are interesting people, and I’m OK with that. She now has a friend who is a faith-based healer — something she gravitates toward.
He lives three hours away, and when he visits, he stays overnight. I met him recently. He’s there now while I am two states away. He does hands-on healing with her and other people she introduces him to. He goes in the water every day of the year, and now my girlfriend does, too, usually very early in the morning. Presumably, they do this together while I am away. Maybe he goes in naked; she would consider that natural.
She told me to not worry about the overnights and the hands-on healing because “he is a man of God.” I told her it doesn’t make any difference. He is divorced and single. Am I being a dope to let this happen without making a strong objection? — MYSTIFIED IN MAINE
DEAR MYSTIFIED: Because this woman is your “longtime” girlfriend, you have the right to make your feelings about the arrangement known. If you weren’t comfortable with the idea of her entertaining a divorced single man overnight in your absence, you should have said so from the beginning. Whether the two of them are sexually involved is beside the point. If she cares about your feelings, she should respect them. However, if she doesn’t, then it may be time for you to find another girlfriend.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I met in 2006, had a beautiful daughter in 2007, married in 2010 and divorced in 2013. He was honest with me about being a recovering addict (drugs and alcohol) when we met. Our first few years together were great. However, he fell off the wagon after the wedding and started using drugs and drinking again. It quickly spiraled out of control, and I refused to raise our young daughter in that environment.
He continued in his addictions for seven years after our divorce. He became clean and sober again in 2019, has rekindled his strained relationship with our daughter and is attempting to rekindle ours as well. We are currently co-parenting and call each other friends, but he wants more.
I have forgiven him for the past hurt and betrayals, but I can’t forget the pain. I can’t help but be afraid that if I let him back into my life romantically, history will repeat itself. Should I let go of the past and give him another chance, or continue to co-parent and keep him in the friend zone? — FORGIVEN BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
DEAR FORGIVEN: I suggest you attend some meetings of Nar-Anon (nar-anon.org), an organization founded to help friends and family affected by someone else’s addiction. If you do, it will give you added insight. Addicts in recovery have been known to fall off the wagon, as you well know. My question for you is, are you strong enough to go through it again should the need arise? No one else can answer that question for you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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