I am a woman in my early 30s. I have a lot of anxiety about sex and relationships, which holds me back from forming the intimate connections I crave. I can appear confident in my day-to-day life but I’m very insecure and sensitive to rejection. I do have close friends but it can take years to build those relationships.
What I really miss at the moment is that long-term, intimate relationship that so many of my friends have. I’m even envious of my parents. I am online dating but take long breaks because of the emotional toll: I am distraught when it doesn’t work out, or if I think I have messed it up. The older I get, the more pressure I feel, and the harder it becomes.
These feelings are especially extreme relating to sex. It was a problem in my last relationship – I would struggle to feel comfortable even though we knew each other well. It was a big factor in why we broke up. I can feel the impact on my mental health and confidence in other areas of my life. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment about it, as if people are judging me.
The challenges you are facing do not seem exclusively sexual in nature. Perhaps your personality style is one that makes human connection difficult, and maybe you have underlying generalised anxiety, avoidance issues, or phobias around sex, intimacy and even non-sexual intercourse. Low self-esteem and a lack of confidence will certainly contribute greatly to an inability to feel safe enough to enjoy human intimacy and sex. Seek some help for these things, but above all respect who you are. You have high standards for relationships, and there is nothing wrong with expecting a great deal of support from people with whom you become connected – in sexual and non-sexual ways. Unfortunately, the risk of rejection does go hand in hand with seeking the long-term partner you say you want to have, but first take incremental steps to soothe your anxiety and learn how to feel safer in the world generally – which will help you to bear rejection whenever it occurs.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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