I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the casual flaw of modern dating. In the beginning of any relationship we’ve been conditioned to play it cool, hold back from admitting how much we like someone. Women in their thirties aren’t allowed to quickly ask a man whether he wants kids, despite time-wasting being hugely dangerous, because what if he “freaks out” and leaves? When you’re younger, seeming less interested than you are is seen as a way to keep someone more interested. Let’s face it – that is absolutely mad, and yet it’s barely considered a problem.
The other problem, I’ve been noticing, is that it allows people to play the field. I saw it most recently in my friend Leila, who is currently seeing two guys – the one she works with knows about the other, met on Bumble. But the Bumble man doesn’t know about the work guy. The work guy gets on-and-off upset about the fact that she won’t make a choice; the app guy is on-and-off paranoid there’s someone else on the scene, and Leila gets increasingly stressed about him finding out, but also about making a decision – because which one is right? Secretly she believes neither would be right without the other because, different in every way, what if she needs both to feel content with either? Obviously, I told her to get out of both, if that was the case.
But the reason she gets away with it, she thinks, is because her and the app guy have never agreed to exclusivity and the work guy won’t admit how much he likes her. Technically, she’s not doing anything wrong, she says, and is playing the casual dating card to her advantage. But her and Bumble see each other most weekends, leave each other drippy voice notes constantly and have now been on holiday together. Without agreeing to move out of the casual zone, it’s now looking like a game of Russian Roulette.
Informal relationships are too a la mode – and I’m convinced they’re making us morally bankrupt. It’s true that app users can say they’re ‘looking for a relationship’ rather than something ‘casual’ but all relationships are casual before they’re serious, so at what point should the grey area end?
From personal experience I know that saying you’re looking for something less committed is also a good way of keeping one foot out the door, from fear. If you’ve never had a relationship chat then there’s no horrible break-up required, you can just drift away, and for people who’ve been hurt, that’s a nice “get out of jail free” card. In truth, I’ve probably played it too many times.
What I’ve realised more recently is that you don’t get anywhere if you start something with one foot out the door. There’s more risk but also more to play for from the off and I think a lot of the time, most of us are astute enough to know when things morph into something more real. We just have to admit it to ourselves and be confident enough to say it to whoever we’re seeing. If we think telling someone we like them, and would prefer to be in a mutually-committed relationship, will cause them to leave, then let’s face it – the person we’re dating probably isn’t worth continuing with anyway. For a start, what about STDs?
