AND NOW FOR SOMETHING A BIT DIFFERENT …
“[The Big Bad Wolf] recognises and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across the woods … but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – the Big Bad Wolf responds to plans to establish an independent regulator into huffing, puffing and/or blowing houses down.
“[Darth Sidious] recognises and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across a galaxy far, far away … but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – Darth Sidious responds to plans to establish an independent regulator in the Force.
“[Sauron] recognises and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across Middle Earth … but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – Sauron responds to plans to establish an independent regulator into Hobbit bothering and ring procurement.
“[Your friendly neighbourhood card sharp] recognises and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across that slightly dodgy alleyway out of sight of the main road … but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – your friendly neighbourhood card sharp responds to plans to establish an independent regulator into what exactly he has up his sleeves.
“[The Very Hungry Caterpillar] recognises and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across the bookshelf … but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – the Very Hungry Caterpillar responds to plans to establish an independent regulator into who keeps leaving holes in all this fruit.
“[Your Christmas tree lights] recognises and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across the cupboard where you keep your decorations … but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – your Christmas tree lights respond to plans to establish an independent regulator into seemingly impossible tangling.
“[A horde of zombies] recognises and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across post-apocalyptic earth … but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – a horde of zombies respond to plans to establish an independent regulator into brain-based snacks.
And in other news: “The Premier League recognises and accepts the case for reform and for a strengthened regulatory system across football … but we will continue to maintain that it is not necessary for there to be a statutory-backed regulator” – the Premier League responds to plans to establish an independent regulator in football.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join John Ashdown at 8pm BST for minute-by-minute updates of Crystal Palace 2-2 Leeds.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It would have been the first time a lot of the lads would have had Quorn log. They were all looking at it like ‘hmm’ and I was like ‘trust me, have a bite and you’ll be having it’ and they all polished it off their plates” – Forest Green goalkeeper Luke McGee reckons his newly-promoted side are savouring meat-free roasts, though The Fiver would like to see evidence of those plates before we tell Granny Fiver to get a veggie log in the oven this Sunday.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly. And while we’re at it, Max, Barry and the pod squad are going back out on tour. Tickets to live shows in June and July are available here, so get buying.
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
The Fiver has a new sister email, folks! You don’t need to be told that it’s smarter and wittier than us – so sign up. The latest edition has been sent whistling into inboxes but you can get a taste here.
FIVER LETTERS
“May I be one of the 1,057 to say ‘Xhaka can’” – Alice Johnson (and, disappointingly, no others).
“Given Aston Villa managed 11 attempts at goal in their 0-0 draw with Leicester, should we now be referring to their manager as Stevie xG?” – Chris Brock.
“The glass-half-full attitude of Frank Lampard following a sticky relegation flavoured rinsing by Liverpool should be applauded. With just 17% possession and a solitary attempt on target, Lamps waxed lyrical about how his side ‘showed great organisation away from home’. The blue half of Merseyside welcome Lampard’s old mates, Chelsea, to Goodison next, when we can no doubt look forward to efficacious soundbites as ‘at least it’s not raining’ and ‘it really was a sterling rendition of Z Cars’” – Johnny Connelly.
“Like in the Chess World Cup, 18 teams should fight it out with the top two getting to play City and Liverpool in a semi-final. The possession stats of City and Liverpool are demoralising” – Krishna Moorthy.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Alice Johnson.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Fans of Oldham, who on Sunday became the first former Premier League club to be relegated from the Football League, are demanding the departure of owner Abdallah Lemsagam. “If you buy a car and trash it, you don’t get the value for what you paid for it when selling,” say the supporters’ foundation, who want to take over.
He may have overlooked him for most of Liverpool’s first XIs this season but Jürgen Klopp reckons Divock Origi, destroyer of Everton, is up there with the best. “He is a legend on and off the pitch,” trilled Jürg. “He is a world-class striker, our best finisher, he always was. Everybody loves Div and rightly so.”
Despite four goals against Watford, Gabriel Jesus may still march himself through the Manchester City door marked Do One.
Antonio Rüdiger is leaving Chelsea and Tommy T blames the sanctions placed on the club for that. “We cannot adjust, we cannot continue, and so it is what it is,” sobbed Tommy.
And all is not well at PSG. Some fans even left Saturday’s game with Lens early, though a draw meant the Ligue Urrrrrrrn title was secured. “They’re going to get tired of whistling, because I have another three years left on my contract,” blazed back Neymar, rather unhelpfully.
STILL WANT MORE?
And then there were two. Nicky Bandini is up to speed on another breathless weekend in Serie A, where Napoli’s now familiar implosion has left Milan and Inter to battle it out for the title.
Bayern made it 10 titles in a row but the celebrations, reports Andy Brassell, due to Robert Lewandowski’s likely exit and the pain of defeat to Villarreal, were muted.
Everton’s plan to halt Liverpool involved grappling and timewasting, bawling and brawling, diving and pratfalling but it still wasn’t enough, writes Jonathan Liew.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
