CRYSTAL CLEAR
Mr Roy has had a long and distinguished career in football management but it’s fair to say his most recent gigs haven’t quite gone as well as he would have liked. An inauspicious spell as England manager ended in humiliation at the hands of Iceland at Euro 2016, a result that put the tin hat on a reign in which he was able to mastermind just three victories across four major tournaments. A famous polyglot, Mr Roy was then able to eff and jeff in five different languages as Crystal Palace won just four of their final 16 games of the 2020-21 season, his players having adjourned to the beach long before the first daffodils of the year could be bought in bunches from the Sainsbury’s adjacent to Selhurst Park.
“I really am stepping away from football for a while but who knows what the future will be,” tooted Mr Roy, upon announcing he’d be leaving the club at the end of that season. “It’s a never-say-never moment. I’ve seen so many people retire with all the fanfare blazing only to surface again somewhere in a fairly short period of time. I’d prefer not to do that.” And it’s a good job he didn’t because, last January, he ended his self-imposed sabbatical to try and keep Watford in the top flight, only to win just two of his 18 matches in charge. “I’ve enjoyed my time doing the job,” he cheered upon confirming his retirement once the Hornets’ relegation was all but confirmed. “I don’t think I shall be putting my name forward any more for further stories in the world of Premier League football.”
But what’s this? With Crystal Palace in need of a manager for their final 10 games of the season after sacking Mr Roy’s replacement Patrick Vieira, their chairman Steve Parish has fired up the Mr Roy insignia, pointed towards the night sky over Croydon and the Sarf Lahndan superhero whose attention it was meant to grab has answered the call, reporting for duty along with his boy wonder Master Ray. “I would like to welcome [Mr] Roy and [Master] Ray back to the club,” parped Parish in a statement released early on Tuesday. “We are obviously in a very challenging period but we believe that Roy’s and Ray’s experience, knowledge of the club and players, alongside [coach] Paddy [McCarthy] can help fulfil the immediate requirement of keeping us in the league.”
Having finished 12th last season, then spent most of this rooted in 11th despite not winning a game since Christmas before dropping back to 12th, Palace’s position might not seem so dire on the face of it. But they are only three points clear of the drop zone and very much in the relegation mix with eight other sides, all of whom they are slated to play before the end of the season. And while such a schedule suggests Palace have every chance of scrapping their way to safety, it remains to be seen if a 75-year-old man who has won just six of his most recent 34 top-flight games is the ideal candidate to lead them into battle. “Crystal Palace is known for its fighting spirit and I have no doubt that all our supporters will fight with us, beginning with the visit of Leicester a week Saturday,” trilled Mr Roy on the announcement of an appointment that, like many of Palace’s performances this season, appears to have left many of the supporters in question seriously underwhelmed.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Referees are the pantomime villains. People think we get paid to turn up, ruin everyone’s day and [eff] off, but they don’t see all the work that we do” – if there’s one piece you cast a look over today, make it this long read, giving a rare glimpse inside the world of Premier League match officials. It includes gems like this from assistant ref Richard West.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
No one is more critical of the government policies than me but, my goodness, the chancellor only announced his plan to get retirees back into the workforce in last Wednesday’s budget and it’s already working. PS: I assume that Palace fans worried about relegation are supposed to forget this was his most recent job in football management” – Noble Francis.
Noble Francis’s missive (yesterday’s Football Daily letters) about God and football brought to mind a recollection from my youth. As a wee lad growing up in Yorkshire, our family would attend the local Presbyterian church on Sundays. The minister cut an imposing figure, swathed in black robes and booming out his prayers from ‘on high’ (ie up in the pulpit). In my youthful innocence, I actually thought he was God himself. After all, he dressed differently and he was able to command us all with a wave of his hand. He had power. This belief continued for a year or two until I was about six or seven and he visited our house one day. As we got chatting I discovered, to my horror, that he was an Arsenal fan. It was at that moment I realised he couldn’t possibly be God” – Allastair McGillivray.
If Noble thinks that being a Spurs-supporting Catholic is tough, he should try being an Anglican supporter of West Ham. That is when you begin to understand the idea of hell, and that purgatory is not just an illusion” – Trevor Tutu.
I’ve personally always found it much easier for football to fill the football-shaped hole in my life and God to fill the God-shaped hole. One of those is of ultimate significance and importance, while the other, although it often feels like it is, isn’t really. Each reader can and should, of course, decide for themselves which is which” –James Yelland.
Many thanks for publishing the photo of the Dutch match interrupted by a bloke riding his scooter on to the pitch (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition). It was a priceless chance to see players from both sides looking on with the classic arms-on-sides sense of bemusement. Usually it’s only the team who’ve just conceded a particularly stupid own goal, so this is a pleasingly rare find for students of football body language, chagrin, and WTF-ery” – Charles Antaki.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Trevor Tutu.
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