Etiquette update: mentioning "the curse of the Nike advert" is now desperately outmoded – it's time to start talking about its staggeringly pedestrian vision of the future. Oh sure, back when "Write the Future" came out a couple of months ago, it might have seemed imaginative to fantasise about the opening of L'Estádio Cristiano Ronaldo, and the premiere of Ronaldo biopics starring Gael García Bernal – let alone the possibility of Portugal beating Holland.
But what has Cristiano only gone and done instead, and before the World Cup has even finished? What has that diamond-earringed, hilariously manscaped chunk of mother-love done but spent a reported £10m on a surrogate baby, to be brought up under what he describes as "my exclusive care"?
No offence, Nike, but that statue gag now looks a bit lame.
In a development unlikely to surprise those familiar with his work, Cristiano has named the chosen one after himself. "He's called Cristiano Ronaldo," confirmed the footballer's sister on behalf of herself and her mother. "Cristiano chose the name, but we like it."
They were hardly going to be averse to it, in the circs, but the ladies seem thrilled with the new arrival, who is now ensconced in their Algarve home. Daddy is currently overseas.
Confusingly, while Coleen Rooney was lambasted last year for daring to leave her newborn son in the care of her parents to have a night out at a Beyoncé concert, Cristiano's decision to naff off on a holiday to America with his girlfriend has been left comparatively unjudged.
Where are you, ye lay clinicians who pronounce that "a baby that age needs its parents with it every nanosecond of every day"? Where are you, ye rabid cyber summoners of social services, who lavish hours a day having a really important online view about other people's parenting, ideally while your own offspring answer the door to strangers with the apologetic explanation: "Mummy's having her computer time again"? You are, my ducks, conspicuous by your absence – and come my revolution, this sort of dereliction of your duty will be classed as criminal neglect in itself.
In the meantime, Ronaldos, good luck to you all.
