"I will always have guilt that I did not do anything."
Those are the words of a son who watched his mum scream out in pain as aggressive cancer took its toll on her body. Mary Harle Hansen, from Sunderland Bridge, died less than 50 days after she was diagnosed with the disease which had spread to her pancreas, stomach, bowel, liver, throat and bones by the time it was detected in May 2020.
The once active woman who loved sport and continued to ski until she was in her late 70s quickly became "shrunken like a little old lady" and was confined to her bed. And when the pain became too much she begged for her life to end.
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It left Mary's son, Justian Hansen, feeling as though he let his mum down because the law prevented Mary, 82, from having the choice over how she died and he was unable to help her as she suffered in pain. Both euthanasia and assisted suicide are illegal under UK law.
The 52-year-old said: "It's really hard and I still have bad days because of it."
He added: "I can't tell you how hard it was not to help her. I'm glad I didn't because I would have been prosecuted but I will always live with the guilt that I didn't.
"To see someone go through what she went through is horrible, it's the worst feeling and I would never wish it on anyone."
Following his experience, Justian is now joining campaigns for a compassionate assisted dying law. He feels Mary's suffering and death was barbaric and an assisted dying law in the UK would have allowed his mum to have the compassionate death she deserved.
But instead Justian said his mum lost the dignity and independence she valued as her suffering continued.
Justian said: "However much people tell me that it wasn't my fault, there's nothing I could do, I will always have guilt that I did not do anything. I will always feel guilty no matter how much people try to rationalise that."
When Mary died on June 18, 2020, a Macmillan nurse visited the house and doubled the pain relief. Justian believed this dulled the pain enough for Mary to die.
And while Justian has always had a "quiet opinion" on whether assisted dying should be legalised in the UK, he was prompted to vocalise his opinion following the experience of his mum's passing. He has now joined groups such as My Death, My Decision, a grassroots non-profit organisation that campaigns for a balanced and compassionate approach to assisted dying in England and Wales.
Justian said: "I've not had to deal with an unpleasant death before, this is the first one I'd suffered.
"Although when my father passed it wasn't very nice to realise that he was going to die [in the hospital] when nurses turned all the machines off and gave him a hefty dose of medication, put an oxygen mask on him and took away the breather, he was very peaceful.
"He looked like he was asleep and when he stopped breathing my mother and I were beside him, it was a 'good' death. It was although he had just went to sleep.
"But with mother it was awful to sit there day after day and night after night and see that she was really suffering and there was nothing that I could do about it."
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