Stephen Colbert
On Tuesday’s Late Show, Stephen Colbert had to laugh at Donald Trump’s latest target of blame for the January 6 insurrection: former vice-president Mike Pence. “Had Pence sent the votes back to the legislatures, they wouldn’t have had a problem with Jan 6, so in many ways you can blame him for Jan 6 …” the former president said over the weekend.
“He’s right – in many ways, Mike Pence is to blame for the crowd trying to hang him,” Colbert deadpanned. “I mean, did you see what his neck was wearing? That Adam’s apple left nothing to the imagination.”
Trump also said that if Pence had sent the symbolic ballots back, “I believe … you wouldn’t have had Jan 6th as we call it.”
“As we call it? It’s a day!” Colbert mocked. “We always call January 6th January 6th, because that’s the day it is.”
The former president also took shots at his main rival for the Republican 2024 presidential nomination, Ron DeSantis, but refused to use the nickname “Meatball Ron” as he said it’s “too crude”.
“Yeah, he says a lot of nasty things, but he draws the line at meatballs. That is sacred ground,” Colbert joked.
DeSantis, meanwhile, was on Fox News over the weekend talking to host Brian Kilmeade on what he learned from playing baseball in college: “The way you know that people like you is if they’re making fun of you.”
“Well, then, Ron DeSantis, I’m about to be your best friend,” said Colbert. “In fact, I like you so much, I’m gonna say you look like a Frankenstein stitched together from dead personal injury lawyers.”
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel addressed fallout of his hosting of the Oscars on Sunday – namely, a message from Peta criticized him for using Jenny the Donkey, a character from the Banshees of Inisherin, as a prop on stage. “Imagine the stress she feels being forced on stage,” the animal rights organization said.
“I don’t have to imagine – I was forced on stage also,” said Kimmel. “And why are they on my case? In the movie, they kill the donkey!”
The Oscars donkey, whose real name is Dominic, “seemed pretty chill to me”, said Kimmel. “He didn’t seem worried about the show”, getting attention and snacks back stage.
“Let me tell you something – if I could get a job eating carrots and getting stroked by Jamie Lee Curtis backstage, I’d be very interested,” Kimmel joked.
He pivoted to Trump blaming Pence for the January 6 attack on the Capitol, “which is the presidential equivalent of ‘if the teller had just put the money in the bag, everybody would’ve made it home safe’”.
“Listen, Mike Pence can be blamed for a lot of things, like shampooing with white-out, but he didn’t cause January 6,” Kimmel added. “They tried to hang him on January 6. I have to say, I can’t wait to see Pence debating Donald Trump. It’s going to be like Elmo versus Cocaine Bear.”
The Daily Show
Keeping something alive just so you can kill it slowly? That's some serial killer s**t, Joe Biden. @kalpenn pic.twitter.com/Qv2swD6jDS
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 15, 2023
And on the Daily Show, guest host Kal Penn recalled when Joe Biden, during his 2020 presidential campaign, promised: “No more drilling on federal lands, period. Period.”
“Period, period, period … comma,” Penn corrected, as the Biden administration approved the Willow oil drilling project on federal land in Alaska. “Which is disappointing, but hey, when you’re that age, that’s the only kind of drilling you can do,” Penn joked.
The drilling project includes a device called the thermosiphon, which keeps the permafrost solid enough for drilling while it simultaneously melts due to global warming. “Guess Conoco Phillips has an irony division?” Penn said. “I mean, keeping the permafrost alive so they can kill it slowly? That’s like some Silence of the Lambs serial killer shit.
“The good news is that Biden is also flip-flopping in a good way,” Penn addded, “because back in the day, Biden used to think marijuana was a gateway drug”. But this week, the Biden administration officially opened pardon requests for federal marijuana possession charges. “This is huge! And this is long overdue.”
Penn offered a moment of heartfelt congratulations to the advocates pushing for this measure for years. “They really did it: they convinced someone with five decades of experience in Washington to change his mind,” he said. “That’s not easy. That would be like convincing Mitch McConnell to let Democrats appoint judges or convincing Chuck Schumer that his glasses should be resting on the top of his nose.”
