Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert also addressed Trump’s incorrect arrest prediction, “making this his most inaccurate forecast since every time he said ’til death do us part’”.
In response to the possible charges, Trump urged his followers to take to the streets in protest. A handful did outside Trump Tower in Manhattan, a weak display Colbert described as “less Jan 6 and more ‘Jan and six of her friends.’”
As one observer put it: “It’s just a bunch of cameras taking pictures of a guy who is putting on a rat suit next to a guitar with the words Hang Fauci on it.”
“So … Rudy was there?” Colbert quipped.
At a rally in Waco, Texas, Trump described himself as “the most innocent man in the history of this country, friends of mine say that”.
“Those have got to be the two biggest lies he’s ever told: he’s the most innocent man in history and that he has friends,” Colbert retorted.
Trump also bragged about the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, his main rival for the GOP’s 2024 presidential nomination, begging for his endorsement in 2018: “I endorsed him and he became like a rocketship.”
“Um, I don’t know about rocket,” said Colbert. “If you look at him, he actually has the aerodynamics of a kegerator.”
Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers returned to Late Night after a week of vacation, during which time Donald Trump teased a possible arrest for campaign finance violations that’s still pending a grand jury decision on charges. “It could happen at any moment or, knowing Trump’s luck, maybe never,” said Meyers. “Somehow Trump always escapes accountability.
“At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Merrick Garland just put himself in jail,” he added of the attorney general, because “it just seems easier”.
The possible charges stem from Trump’s hush money payment to the porn star Stormy Daniels in the final weeks of the 2016 presidential campaign, and “as far as criminal cases go, this one seems pretty open and shut to me”, said Meyers, with testimony from Trump’s ex-fixer Michael Cohen, a physical copy of the check signed by Trump and a clip of Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani admitting the crime on Fox News.
“I feel like it would definitely be better to charge him with other stuff first,” said Meyers. “You know, like the coup. Don’t get me wrong, the hush money payment is also against the law and he should be held accountable, but it would be a bummer if this were the only thing he gets indicted for. On the other hand, it’s also a bummer that we have a former president who’s under multiple criminal investigations.
“It’s not like Trump did this decades ago and it’s just getting dredged up now,” he added. “He broke campaign finance laws and defrauded the electorate in the final weeks of a presidential campaign in order to become the most powerful man on earth.”
Even crazier, Meyers continued, was that “he probably didn’t have to. Knowing what we know now about his loyal fan base, Trump probably could’ve gotten up on a stage at a rally in October 2016 and said: ‘I banged a porn star!’”
Jimmy Kimmel
In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel recapped Trump’s rally in Waco on the 30th anniversary of the siege in which 86 people died. “You know if that happened now he’d side with the Branch Davidians, right?” said Kimmel. “He’d be like, ‘I like David Koresh, he likes me, that’s a good thing not a bad thing.’”
Trump chose Waco “because it’s a powerful metaphor for his campaign”, Kimmel added. “He’s going down in flames and he’s taking his cult followers with him.”
Trump also took potshots at Daniels, calling her “horse face” and also saying they never had an affair. “Just to be clear: he didn’t do it, he wouldn’t do it, but if he had done it, he wouldn’t have done it with her,” said Kimmel.
Daniels, meanwhile, responded to a tweet saying Trump wouldn’t touch her with a 10ft pole with “True. He used a 3in one,” and “won the day”, said Kimmel.
The Daily Show
Trump is running for office AND from the law at the same time. How great is that! @JohnLeguizamo pic.twitter.com/iU2fgS9SAI
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 28, 2023
And on the Daily Show, guest host John Leguizamo also mocked Trump, AKA “the man so bad at sex he pays people not to talk about it”.
At his rally in Waco, Trump attempted to both mock Daniels and distance himself from her, saying: “That wouldn’t be the one. There is no one. We have a great First Lady.”
“Wow, nice save bro,” said Leguizamo. “You could actually see his brain try to turn the car around that his mouth was driving. ‘I didn’t have an affair, and I’ve never had an affair, and I’ve actually never had sex, did you know that? I’m a virgin and the best and biggest virgin, ever.’
“I love that Trump is running for office and from the law at the same time. How great is that?” Leguizamo added of the rally, supposedly Trump’s kick-off event for his 2024 campaign. “He’s going to be the first presidential candidate giving speeches from his getaway car.”
