Christine McGuinness has candidly explained how star-studded events used to leave her in floods of tears prior to discovering she has autism.
The mum-of-three, 35, admits showbiz events can still "get too much" for her at times with people mistaking her 'flapping' for rudeness, but she can now avoid "meltdowns" thanks to her 2021 autism diagnosis.
Christine, whose three children with ex Paddy McGuinness also have autism, confesses she still overthinks things and gets overwhelmed at times, but credits her small group of friends for allowing her to be her "most authentic self."
Following on from her successful BBC documentaries about her family's experience with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), Christine also reveals how she is keen to pursue new projects in the TV world.
Speaking backstage at the Pride of Manchester Awards on Wednesday, the former Real Housewives of Cheshire star admitted she was incredibly nervous before presenting an award on stage at Kimpton Clocktower Hotel in Manchester.
The Blackpool born star admitted it had been an emotional evening, saying: "It's an honour to be in the room and to stand on stage to present an award to someone like Peter, it really is an honour.
"It might sound quite cliché, as I'm sure everyone has said the same, but it genuinely is - especially when you're in the world that I'm in, where you meet a lot of celebrities and big names.
"But people like Peter are real life heroes. I'd rather be in his company than anybody else's."
Christine had been helping honour Peter Garsden with a Special Recognition award, thanks to his pioneering work as a lawyer and devoting his life and career to winning justice for victims of child sexual abuse for nearly 30 years.
Discussing her own impressive work, which sees her highlight the struggle many women have getting an autism diagnosis, Christine admitted she finds it hard to accept praise herself.
"I think I have a bit of imposter syndrome and I often wonder why I'm getting these opportunities because there are hundreds of thousands of autistic people in the world and I do often think 'I'm not the only autistic woman in the world'," she confessed on Wednesday night.
"One of the things I wanted to do in my documentary was make sure it wasn't just all about me, I wanted to give other people a platform too."
"It's because of the masking that unfortunately a huge problem with autistic women and autistic girls. It is just because we are more likely to copy and mimic what other people do and try to fit in and not really say how we're feeling."
Reflecting on her own experience, Christine continued: "For me, being in that busy room tonight, people will think 'oh she's fine' but in reality I was flapping - I didn't want to get on the stage. Everything was too much. It was Peter's story that made me get up there.
"I'm learning myself, I never realised I had so many meltdowns and needed time out and didn't understand before my diagnosis. Now, I plan ahead with events like this."
She went on to explain: "I usually arrive late, and it's not me being rude - it's because the rush coming through and everyone gathering before heading in [can be overwhelming].
"Then I tend to dip in and out of the room and go to the toilet if I find it too much. In the past I'd just try to fit in with everyone else and it would result in me up all night in tears and overthinking.
"Now, I understand and can plan ahead."
Christine discovered she had been living with undiagnosed autism for years in 2021, when filming a documentary connected to her three young children and their diagnosis.
While people with autism don't require medication, Christine admits the diagnosis was life-changing as it enabled her to approach things in a different way now she knows she has been masking for years.
"I still repeat conversations a lot to myself, I often think 'did I respond in the right way' - i'll go to bed tonight and think 'did i thank him enough? Did I say the right thing?' Christine explained on Wednesday night.
"I'll over-question everything, but I'm extremely comfortable with my small group of friends where I can be myself and say things a bit more off-the-cuff. That's when I'm being me, my most authentic self. When I'm somewhere like this, I am masking."
She added: "There's no cure that will take autism away but I don't really think we need it. We don't need to be fixed - it's just a different way. We need more understanding and acceptance - autistic people themselves need to feel completely themselves without masking, because it's exhausting."
With two BBC documentaries already under her belt, Paddy and Christine McGuinness: Our Family and Autism and Christine McGuinness: Unmasking My Autism, Christine is keen to continue investigating subjects that interest her on screen.
"I really wanted to do something I was passionate about at first, which is why I started with autism," she explained when discussing her TV work at the Pride of Manchester Awards.
"The documentary world for me is something I'm really fascinated about. I don't really love television at all, but documentaries I can sit and watch if it's something I want to understand or have a genuine interest in.
"It is definitely something I want to continue."
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