Christine McGuinness has opened up about her autistic traits led her to stay in her “unhappy” marriage to TV presenter Paddy McGuinness.
The reality TV star and model said she felt “safe” in her marriage and she “doesn’t like change”, but she now understands herself better since her diagnosis.
Christine, 34, is hosting a new BBC One documentary titled Christine McGuinnes: Unmasking My Autism. The programme will see her explore the issue of women and girls going undiagnosed.
The documentary is also a journey of self-discovery for her, as she uncovers the links between her autism and having an eating disorder as a young girl, sexual abuse as a teenager and her marriage to Top Gear presenter Paddy.
The couple, who married in 2011 and are parents to Felicity and twins Leo and Penelope, revealed they had separated last June just six months after their moving BBC documentary Our Family And Autism.
Christine said: “I didn’t want my family to ever fall apart and that’s why I stayed married. As an autistic woman, I like to stay where I’m comfortable, I like things to stay the same.
“I understand myself better now because that’s where I was comfortable just knowing that it was me, Patrick and the children - but sometimes change has to happen.
“You just have to deal with it in the best way possible.”
In the documentary, Christine said when she first met Paddy he felt “very safe” and she stayed in that relationship for 15 years having suffered sexual abuse before meeting him.
Since learning of her diagnosis, Christine said she set out on a personal mission to figure out her identity and is trying to take the pressure off and be unapologetically herself.
She said: “I wanted to be the perfect wife and the perfect mum. I insisted on doing absolutely everything.
“I’m trying to not people please as much, which is hard because that’s just naturally me. I hate the thought of upsetting anyone, it really upsets me, I feel it a lot.
“I’m trying to say yes to more opportunities that scare me because I want to enjoy life and I want to live and I want to do more, I want to experience more.
“But also say no to things that I don’t want to do. I accept myself more. I’m a lot less apologetic about myself now. I’m proud of myself and I’m happy with where I am right now.”
Christine also said that she wanted to be “really authentic” in the documentary.
She said: “I wanted to be honest, I didn’t want to hold back too much. I’m not from one of these drama schools and acting, I’m not a TV presenter or a host, I am a mum first and foremost.
“I fell into this world, showbiz wasn’t something that I was ever thinking about. The word celebrity was never thrown about when I was a teenager, I’ve never looked at glossy magazines, I simply just always wanted to be a mum.
“It turns out I’m an autistic mum with three autistic children and I’ve got a platform that I can use to help.”
The BBC documentary, which airs on 15 March at 9pm, will see Christine meet a group of autistic mothers, which she said for the first time in her life made her feel like she didn’t need to “fit in”.
She also cleared her wardrobe of all the clothes she did not like to wear, which she had described as “the power of pretending”.
She said: “I had a wardrobe for clothes that I would wear at home, a wardrobe for clothes that I would wear on social media, and a wardrobe for clothes that I would wear on TV, and all of them were completely different.
“It was like three different people lived in that wardrobe, and I didn’t know which one I was. I had clothes that I would never actually wear for myself, that felt good.
“I’m not going to try and dress like how I think I’m supposed to turn up, I’m just going to wear the outfits that I’m comfortable in and that I like.”
