Christine McGuinness has opened up about her marriage split from Paddy admitting she was "unhappy" and "stayed with him for too long" as her autism made it difficult for her to walk away. A new BBC documentary brought the separation of the stars to the forefront.
Christine explained on camera why she needs a new chapter in life and how petrified she initially felt as she parted ways from the Top Gear host. The Mirror reports how the mum-of-three broke into tears as she heartbreakingly tells about being raped when she was younger and says it caused suicidal thoughts.
Reflecting on what she discovered in her documentary about autism, the 34-year-old model said: “I felt like I said in the film I didn’t want my family to ever fall apart. And that’s why I stayed married.
“As an autistic woman, I like to stay where I am comfortable. I like things to stay the same. And so that’s something I suppose I chose to do... But sometimes change has to happen.”
The reality TV star can be seen on the BBC programme throwing clothes away shortly after splitting from Paddy, 49. She discusses having worn some of the outfits as part of a “masking” technique used by some autistic people to fit in.
Christine says: “I was only 19 when I met [Paddy]. And for the last 15 years my role has been wife and mum. I think when I got diagnosed, I kind of set out on a mission to figure out who I was, because I’ve played that many different roles and not really knowing which part of it was actually me or which one was mostly me.”
She adds: “So I’m clearing out, because I had a wardrobe full of clothes to wear how I thought I was supposed to look. I have also separated with my husband in the process, and I’m just I suppose shedding my old identity, trying to figure out what my new one is...
“I think the changes for me, although they’re massive, I am doing everything very slowly. I’m trying to not pretend, I’m trying to not always fit in. And then with things like my marriage, that’s massive.
"I’ve only had this one man in my life for 15 years. I can’t imagine living with anybody else. I don’t know what it’s like to date. I can’t remember being single. I am just going into a new chapter... on my own, which is petrifying for someone who doesn’t like change.”
Christine and Paddy married in 2011 and share kids Felicity and twins Leo and Penelope, all three of whom are autistic. The couple announced last June that they had split up only six months after their moving BBC documentary Our Family and Autism.
Christine had been diagnosed with autism during the making of the BBC programme. In the new documentary, she speaks to three specialists about autism going undiagnosed in girls and women, and problems that can occur because of the diagnosis going undetected.
One of the doctors explains that the issue of consent is very difficult for some women with autism and that in wanting to be liked they can fail to get out of a dangerous situation.
Christine tells them: “I experienced that. It was a long time ago and I didn’t speak up and I wonder if I never said it because I was autistic. Was it me? Would a typical woman have said something? Is it my fault?
"It’s something I experienced when I was a teenager. And then when I met my husband, that was a time I felt very safe. And I wonder if that’s why I stayed in that relationship for 15 years. Being a single woman, being a single parent, is an extremely vulnerable place to be and it petrifies me.”
She was then asked if she felt more able to leave the marriage after her autism diagnosis, which led to her breaking down in tears. She said: “Yeah, because I know that I’ve stayed in a place where I was probably unhappy because it was safe and I don’t like change. And ultimately, I wanted to keep my family together.”
At a later time, she says while crying: “I don’t know how to say it. Before [Paddy], I had been sexually abused. I was raped... I would pray every night that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, just cos it was so awful.
"The abuse I suffered started when I was only nine years old. I wonder how many things in life could have been avoided if I had an earlier [autism] diagnosis and more support at school.”
During the show, Christine uncovers links between autism and sexual abuse and having an eating disorder as a girl. She speaks to young people with autism whose lives are improving because they have been diagnosed and hopes the BBC programme will lead to more help being offered to girls with autism.
Ending the film on a brighter note, she says: “I’m excited for life. I want to live as much as possible. I need to live for ever because I’ve got three children, but I need to live for myself too."
*Christine McGuinness: Unmasking My Autism is due to air on March 15 at 9pm on BBC1 and iPlayer.
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