A woman with the smallest hands I’ve ever seen is inflicting great pain upon my thighs via a series of very tiny but intense slaps that would make even the most avowed masochist feel slightly out of their depth. I try not to wince, hoping for all the drainage possible for my puffy legs after a 12-hour-flight and four-hour car transfer to Chiva-Som, one of the world’s most famous wellness retreats, situated in Hua Hin, Thailand.
But after the blows come the thwacks with balled fists, and my face furrows. The therapist spots this and asks if I want her to dial it down, to which I say a categorical “No!” — telling her that this is what I’m here for, before fighting the urge to shimmy my thighs, my back, and arms out of her reach.
Not all massages at Chiva-Som, which turns 30 this year, are like this. Over the course of my six-day stay I try a vast many, including one that made me so sleepy that I woke up mid-snore as a masseuse of uncommon skill was stroking my feet, and another that miraculously undid the effects of carrying a heavy handbag every day in London, along with many years of muscle tension.
The pain was well worth enduring; after an hour, all the water that had pooled in my ankles and feet was gone, and I felt energised and alert which, given the length of the flight (mercifully direct, on EVA Air, an airline deserving of its plaudits for attention to details like issuing lip balm and a ready supply of scented towels to refresh inflight) coupled with the heavy heat of Thailand was quite a feat.
Massage is a good place to start when explaining the appeal of this much-lauded wellness spot that has over its three decades drawn Kate Moss, Madonna and Naomi Campbell among many, many other A-Listers.
Their approach encompasses many things from nutrition to rest to epigenetic testing which can help to determine any health blind spots might need addressing. Yet it is pleasingly free of any sense of the draconian, with these (mostly) pleasurable massages at the core of it all, nudging guests towards better wellbeing.
I am told that they’re efficacious not only in the short-term but also long-term thanks to the different methods and styles really sorting any deep-rooted stress carried in the body. I find myself wondering why more places don’t try this carrot and not the stick approach, deciding that of the many wellness endeavours I’ve reviewed over the years, this is the one that has to date felt the least like hard work.
Some of that sense of more traditional break is of course in the setting. We’re talking candle-lit meals overlooking the ocean lapping the sand, sun hazily baking a tan onto skin, palm trees lolling overhead. It is also in no small part to do with the intimacy of the Hua Hin resort, which makes sense when considering that former Thai deputy prime minister and banker Boonchu Rojanastien wanted it to be his personal retreat, but when it enjoyed a lot of attention courtesy of his wider circle, he ended up turned it into the wellness haven we know it as today.
It’s now presided over by his son, Krip, and under his care has continued to appeal to high-fliers in need of a complete escape from life and, potentially an overhaul because, yes, the massages are superlative and lounging poolside seductive, but Chiva-Som is impressively comprehensive, and will discreetly organise all manner of the aforementioned sessions to make you feel better, either physically or mentally, while you’re in their care.
Less congruous with their approach is the prospect of a forthcoming Ozempic programme to recalibrate after losing weight and a clinic offering injectables including Botox and fillers.
On my part, I was there for the same reason I suspect Kate Moss is such a devotee: I wanted to escape during the bleakness of London’s long winter to soak up the sun and to dodge soaking up quite so much wine at parties. It did the trick, and the massages helped me to recalibrate, while the food was low in calories but high in novelty and flavour masking the fact that it was all free of any of the sugar, fat and alcohol usually associated with a sunny break.
Adding to the joy is the format of the food: a buffet at breakfast and dinner, meaning you can feel gluttonous without any kick back from the digestive system. Dinner is a traditional menu event, but once again the army of chefs have hidden the health of each dish within an abundance of flavour.
This restorative trifecta of lazing overlooking the ocean, eating fresh and delicious food, and being thoroughly massaged to release every knot of tension is how Chiva-Som beats others and continues to lure customers with the means to go pretty much anywhere.
I look back on my time there as I would a holiday which, given that there were no vices whatsoever on offer, is remarkable. Even more remarkable: when I got off the flight home, not only was I not even remotely puffy, but snoozing with my neck at an odd angle didn’t result in a single muscle ache. Clearly all that pummelling did, as promised, really do the trick.
Rates start from approx £438, per person, per night. chivasom.com
EVA Air offers a daily flight from London Heathrow’s Terminal 2 non-stop to Bangkok, and onwards to Taipei, with three cabins of service to choose from: Royal Laurel Class (Business Class), the award-winning Premium Economy Class and Economy Class. Travellers can learn more about EVA and schedule, book and buy tickets at www.evaair.com.
