Ellen came out to their mum by asking her to do a popular quiz over the phone.
One of the questions was: "Do you think same-sex couples should enjoy the same rights as straight couples, including adopting children?"
There was silence, and then Ellen's mum asked: "Are you gay?"
"Yes," Ellen answered — then the phone line went dead.
Moments later, Ellen received a text message:
"I am sorry that I can't love you unconditionally. This is the end of our mother-daughter relationship."
"When I saw that text message, I felt like my whole life had crumbled," the 33-year-old Chinese international student tells the ABC's China Tonight.
'I hid myself'
While attending school in Central China, Ellen always knew they liked girls but kept it a secret.
"Classmates who looked like so-called 'butch lesbians' would get bullied or mocked," they explain.
"I didn't want to be seen with them, therefore I hid myself.
"I pretended to be straight, pretended to like boys, pretended that I wasn't gay."
Ellen first came out as a lesbian but now identifies as a queer and non-binary person.
"I didn't know that I didn't have to be female. I was trying to conform to being a traditional Chinese woman that the society expected, but I failed," they say.
"When I realised I didn't have to be a female, I was like, 'I'm free'."
It was years later when Ellen came out to their mum.
"Our relationship became cold," Ellen says.
"I tried to make an effort — I'd buy flowers for her on Mother's Day, and I'd buy her presents for her birthday."
After a while, they started talking again, but the topic of Ellen's sexual identity and orientation had become taboo in the family.
"We've made peace," Ellen says.
"She pretends she doesn't know. I pretend it never happened."
Being queer and Chinese has unique challenges
There are still many legal, cultural and social challenges facing people in the LGBTQIA+ communities in China.
Although homosexuality has been decriminalised in China since 1997, sexuality and gender-diverse people have very little legal protection against discrimination.
Same-sex couples still face legal challenges, such as not being able to marry and adopt children. By contrast, same-sex marriage has been legalised in Taiwan since 2019.
The last few years have seen Chinese authorities censor issues affecting the community.
Dozens of LGBTQIA+ accounts on WeChat were blocked and all their content deleted in 2021, and the biggest pride event in the country, held in Shanghai, was shut down in 2020.
The 'flatmate' phenomenon
Coming out can also mean facing family shame and social stigma. Jacky knows this all too well.
In 2018, he came out as gay, but his mother responded with denial and hid the truth from the rest of the family.
Jacky's mum would tell relatives and friends: "My son is not gay. He is still waiting for the right girl."
"She was lying on my behalf," the Hong Kong migrant, who works in IT, recalls.
Jacky believes many Chinese parents — including his own — have a "traditional mindset".
"We are a Cantonese family, and bearing children is quite important to my family," he explains.
"If you don't have children or don't get married, you bring shame to your family."
Jacky is 27 now and living in Sydney with his boyfriend of five years, Ash.
"Many Chinese gay people refer to their partners as 'flatmates'," Jacky says.
"That's how they would present themselves to their parents.
"We were pretending like that for a while, but mum eventually found out and she was absolutely gutted."
But whenever Jacky's mum visits him from Hong Kong, his boyfriend goes into hiding.
"He has been very considerate and patient, but he is also sad that we barely see each other these days – it's very unhealthy for our relationship," Jacky says.
Jacky describes coming out as a "constant battle".
"You are constantly coming out to your friends, the society and your family," he says.
"Mum still doesn't accept me for who I am, but I really hope she can one day."
A journey of self-acceptance
Jingmei is a 19-year-old pansexual, queer person and dancer.
When they were younger and living in China, Jingmei knew they weren't a "typical girl".
"I was dressing like a boy, I liked hanging out with boys," they say.
Jingmei went to the US for Year 10 and met a queer person in their German class.
"They came up to me and asked what my pronoun was," they say.
"It was the first time I encountered such a question … I was confused and didn't quite understand what they meant.
"I think I'm neither a typical boy nor a typical girl, I am just me."
Jingmei says dancing has helped them understand and embrace their identity and sexuality.
"I was very resistant to touching the more feminine parts of my body," they explain.
But their friends encouraged them to try different dance forms, including more feminine styles like waacking and voguing.
"I also look beautiful in this way," Jingmei says.
"I finally accepted my body and the feminine side of me."
At 16 years of age, Jingmei had a girlfriend and decided to come out to their mum.
"She didn't understand initially," they say.
"She thought I was too young and I was joking, so she didn't take it seriously."
But the more Jingmei learned about gender and sexuality, the more they shared with their mum and the more educated they became.
"My mum and I are now very close," they say.
"She thinks that because I'm her child and she loves me, she accepts all of me, regardless of what my sexual identity is."
Jingmei knows their coming out story is not common.
"For many queer people like me in China, coming out can be hard. Their family or parents may not necessarily support them," they say.
"The love and the acceptance from mum has had a huge impact on me."
Samuel Yang presents China Tonight, Fridays at 8pm AEDT on the ABC News Channel or catch up any time on ABC iview.
Read more about Sydney WorldPride and pride across Australia on our event website.
