Such a joy to see Britain enjoying one of its oldest traditions, which is screaming about rail strikes. One newspaper described rail union leader Mick Lynch as “the man killing your Christmas.”
This is true, because the true meaning of Christmas is taking the 9.26 from Leicester to Sheffield.
Once that’s gone it’s ruined.
Children across Britain will say “Mummy, thank you for the bicycle. And the dinner was lovely.
“But the fact that the Leeds to Bradford service wasn’t running on December 14 makes it all meaningless,” before running into their room in tears.
Christians will be especially disappointed, as they won’t be able to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus in the traditional way, by taking the 10.47 from Norwich to Lowestoft via Cantley.
In any case, anyone who travels normally by train knows it’s the train companies’ job to leave you stranded all day on a freezing platform while there are no trains – not the unions’.
The Government has explained there are better ways for the rail workers to make more money for their members, and that’s true.
For example, they could do what Conservative peer Michelle Mone has allegedly done, and secretly pocket £29million from a contract you won by lobbying your mates in the Cabinet.
The platform staff could follow the Prime Minister’s wife, and earn a bit extra by claiming they lived in a country where they don’t pay tax, but Mick Lynch hasn’t even considered that has he? The drivers could boost their income by being incapable of driving any trains, occasionally sub-contracting the job to their mates for a few million quid, and then going on I’m a Celebrity so the public “can see the real me” for another £400,000.
But if they’re too lazy to sit in a barrel of cockroaches, there’s no need to make the public suffer.
Another problem is that other groups feel the same way as the rail workers.
So postal staff have voted to strike, the greedy pigs.
They should learn to restrain themselves, in the way that Royal Mail shareholders have done. They’ve just been handed £2billion in dividends.
They didn’t grumble that they wanted £3billion and cause a big pile of inconvenience and ruin Christmas, by refusing to be shareholders for a day. They just accepted it because they’re responsible people. The Royal College of Nursing, which is not usually considered as a union, has also voted for strike action.
The Women’s Institute will vote for a strike next, and then the Cubs, and then the National Trust.
They’ll ruin Christmas by covering all castles with a tablecloth.
So the Army will be brought in to do their job, and convert their tanks into stately homes, with soldiers in the gift shop pointing a rifle at a family and growling “Don’t make any sudden movements. Just slowly buy a tea towel.”
Instead of ruining Christmas, the unions should make Britain even more Christmassy than ever, by allowing its members to become so poor that they all have to live in a stable.
