This week's most overspun showbiz story is Cheryl Cole's "revenge" on Ashley, in which we are encouraged to believe that a track on The X Factor judge's new album is a vicious attack on her former husband – even though it was written by someone else entirely.
"Cheryl didn't write the song herself," the Sun explains breathlessly, "but she approved the lyrics."
Don't you love that "approved the lyrics"? Clearly, the styling signifies a progression from the "Because we're worth it" catchphrase Cheryl has already made her own – in fact, it smacks of nothing so much as a US political campaign ad. This column simply will not be happy until every one of madam's public utterances – from individual X Factor judgments to unchallenging R&B videos – ends with her facing the camera and dimpling: "Ahm Cheryl Kerl, and ah approve this messudge."
