In my fantasy opera version of The Archers, Gli Arcieri, the action opens as the wicked Don Roberto fights a duel with Il Commendatore, Tonio, whose daughter, the beautiful Donna Elena, he has abducted. She loves him, even when she discovers the corpses of his deceased wives concealed behind various locked doors inside his bleak abode, the Castello della Collina dei Fiori. Indeed, she grasps his real nature only after an indescribably complicated subplot involving Donna Kirsty, who disguises herself as a man and hides in a sack to discover Don Roberto’s true intentions. Act two culminates in a “mad scene” famous for its coloratura demands on the soprano, in which Donna Elena stabs Don Roberto – who, though badly wounded, escapes. In act three, several years on, Donna Elena rejects the now penitent Don Roberto, who has returned from exile abroad. He fights an indecisive duel with Don Leone and Don Tommaso, respectively Donna Elena’s new lover and brother. Stumbling away from this encounter, Don Roberto finds himself confronted by a statue of Il Commendatore, and is dragged down to hell.
Which is, more or less, what is actually happening, notably the hell part: Evil Rob Titchener’s recent spate of seizures is, it turns out, nothing to do with his having been pushed over by Lee, but rather because he has an inoperable brain tumour. The news that he has months to live has been greeted with varying degrees of enthusiasm by the Bridge Farm Archers. Tom, for one, can barely conceal his delight – though Tony regards fire and brimstone as too good for the man who raped his daughter. Helen, in the meantime, has an intriguing moral dilemma: should evil Rob be allowed to see their son, young Jack? Does Jack have the right to see his father before he dies – or should he be protected from him?
As one evil Archers character confronts his mortality, another, George Grundy, rises into his full and most loathsome power. There’s still time for George to reform, but at the moment, as Hannah from Berrow Farm astringently informs his mother, he is full of “misogynist crap” – and is, according to his own grandfather, Neil Carter, who sacked him from Berrow, a liar. George’s on-off pal Brad, on the other hand, is now going out with vegan ecowarrior Mia, and, sweetly, they are planning to watch films by Tarkovsky and Kurosawa together, which must be an Ambridge first. In other love news, Stella is looking for a partner who is a whiz at cooking Argentinian street food. An odd requirement, to be sure – but I’m still holding out hope for Anna Tregorran.
