If you listen carefully you can just about make out the theme tune to Fawlty Towers playing in the background.
Well, what else did you expect when Scottish football got the chance to play with a new toy for the first time? Don’t mention the VAR. A bunch of former Celtic players may have mentioned it once or twice over the weekend but I think they got away with it.
By throwing around words such as ‘scandalous’ and suggesting Celtic were up against two teams at Tynecastle on Saturday they were stoking a toxic, cliched old fire. Come on lads, you’re better than that. The very last thing the game in this country needs is more deliberate fanning of the flames at a time when our accident-prone officials are being ordered to jump out of the frying pan. It was hard enough when only one of them was calling the shots.
But now that they are refereeing matches by committee it’s a feeding frenzy for those who cling to the dreary old notion that this game of ours is bent. They say, in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Well here, in the land of the manchild, it’s about who’s got the biggest dummy. And how far he can spit it.
So we can do without some of the irresponsible rabble-rousing that went on over the weekend when the new hub at Clydesdale House kicked into action for the first time. No wonder Ange Postecoglou was laughing to himself at the state we were busy getting ourselves into ahead of VAR’s unveiling.
The big Aussie chuckled that he couldn’t get his head around all the excitement. “That stuff doesn’t rock my boat, mate,” was how he put it when asked for his opinion for the umpteenth time. At least he saw the funny side. It’s probably because he’s new here.
But as a nation of rubberneckers this was a car crash everyone else could see coming from a mile off. While this technology has been someone else’s problem, now it’s our turn. So just when you think the rest of the world has made a farce of it these last few years,
Scottish football takes off its jacket and says, ‘Hold my beer’. Within 24 hours, a whole new treasure trove of paranoia and conspiracy theories has been unlocked largely because of Nick Walsh’s handling of the most compelling, chaotic 90 minutes of the season so far.
It was difficult not to have some sympathy with the man in the middle of this magnificent mayhem at Tynecastle. Walsh was effectively neutered in full view by his video assistant from the moment he awarded Hearts with a foul inside their own penalty box as Celtic looked to double their early lead.
Walsh blew for a free-kick after seeing Giorgos Giakoumakis muscle his way through Robert Snodgrass and Orestis Kiomourtzoglou, a split second before Tony Ralston’s diving header flew into Craig Gordon’s net.
And yet the game was then held up for what must have felt like an eternity for Walsh as the footage was examined in a bunker in Glasgow’s east end by Steven McLean. What exactly they were hoping to find is the bit that’s most difficult to understand. After all, the technology does not yet exist that can unblow a referee’s whistle.
But if Walsh was being ticked off or told he had spotted an infringement that did not exist, then it’s no wonder he was petrified at the prospect of making another big decision, knowing Big Brother was watching his every move. How he failed to spot Cameron Carter-Vickers cleaning out Cammy Devlin inside Celtic’s penalty box was bordering on the unfathomable.
But then that doesn’t quite fit in with the narrative of jiggery pokery. Eventually the correct decision was made on Walsh’s behalf in any case.
And soon after, when he failed to point to the spot at the other end despite Michael Smith’s seemingly blatant handball, Big Ange was in stitches all over again. It’s just as well he’s got a sense of humour or Celtic’s manager might have been reaching for the tinfoil hat too when the penalty was not subsequently awarded by the man with the remote control.
Postecoglou prefers to focus purely on the football and his lack of distraction is reflected in a team which doesn’t know when it’s beaten. That his players overcame all Hearts could throw at them and still get out of town with a 4-3 win will have made his weekend.
But if there are cynics out there who truly believe in all this conspiratorial guff, it’s worth remembering one thing. Within a couple of hours VAR had most probably kept GVB in a job.
And those with Celtic’s best interests at heart ought to be thoroughly delighted about that – because right now Giovanni van Bronckhorst is not only falling off the pace at the top of the table but he’s becoming more and more separated from the plot. Being lacerated on home soil by Liverpool is one thing, But losing at home to Livingston? That would have been close to a sackable offence.
But the video assistant came to van Bronckhorst’s rescue late in the second half when replays of a Morgan Boyes tackle on Alfredo Morelos were studied from various angles. Ref David Munro had booked Boyes for the foul but then, under advice, upgraded yellow to red.
This was another example of VAR getting it right and even Livingston manager David Martindale accepted afterwards the officials had made the correct call. Good on Martindale for not making a meal of it. He could have reached for the conspiracy card too, especially after losing an injury-time equaliser.
At Fir Park, Motherwell were being denied a stonewall penalty in the dying seconds of a 2-1 defeat at home to Aberdeen. VAR ought to have spotted Ricki Lamie’s shirt being ripped from his torso but it seemed to be lost amid a frantic finale.
It should also be pointed out the technology did its job earlier in the same match when it proved Bojan Miovski’s expertly taken opener should have stood despite a linesman’s flag. In fact, the biggest travesty of the lot came in Paisley where St Mirren were robbed of a perfectly good goal, retrospectively, before going on to take all three points from Dundee United in any case.
And so the car crash unfolded pretty much as expected. Doubtless, there will be more bumps to come along the way.
But Postecoglou and Martindale have already set a fine example. They’ll happily leave the road rage to someone else.
