Bless the famouses. They can be so cute. Here they are, explaining why they are taking part in the first celebrity version of Race Across the World – it’s called Celebrity Race Across the World. It’s to “unplug from the matrix”. It’s to “feel and smell” cultures, instead of being insulated from everything on tour. It’s to travel incognito, freed from the pressures of fame.
So, off they set, with nothing but a handful of paper maps (no phones allowed!) and a camera crew recording their every move as they attempt to get themselves and their companions from Marrakech in Morocco (it was filmed before the recent earthquake) to Tromsø in Norway ASAP. But it’s on a budget and they are not allowed to fly, so they are just like you and me for the duration.
So, who are these celebrities and their plus-ones? Well, there is Melanie Blatt from All Saints and her mother, Helene, who used to be in the army, speaks a billion languages and is clearly biding her time until her luxury-loving daughter has spent all their money on taxis and hotels and she can start teaching her how to bivouac in a ditch and drink her own urine. I am definitely here till that happens.
There is the ITV weatherman Alex Beresford and his father, Noel, a quiet force of nature who either terrifies Alex or has exhausted him with his immovability – I am also here till I figure out which. Then there are the chirpily named Monger siblings, Billy (a racing driver turned pundit who lost both legs in a crash at 17) and Bonny.
Finally, there are the Judds – Harry, the drummer from McFly, and his mum, Emma. Theirs is the most interesting dynamic. “It broke my heart, if I’m honest,” says Emma of her son’s disappearance into pop stardom and constant touring at the tender age of 17. “I missed you terribly.” She calls the trip “a snatch of time together”. Her hunger to make up for the years of her boy’s company that McFly stole from her is palpable. “It was like a bereavement.” Now, his children keep interrupting their time together. There is every chance she will have found a way to absorb him back into her body before they reach Norway and, honestly, good luck to her.
It is the family dynamics that make the show. You can’t get away from the fact that a glimpse of even C-listers eyerolling their parents, or cowering before them, or bickering with their sisters, is voyeuristic fun. Which is good, because their reasons for taking part are bananas. You want to experience the world by … racing across it? You are taking part in a speed contest that depends on how good you are with money? Are you in a travelogue or on a reality show?
The pairs have a list of jobs available to them (again, not much like the real backpacking experience), to allow them to top up their funds and try to make it to the next of the five checkpoints. Bonny ends up in a vat full of pigeon poo at a tanner’s yard in Fez, while Billy ferries hides up and down the crooked streets and stairs. The Judds labour on a family beekeeping farm in the Moroccan mountains. Mel heads straight for Tangier – the first checkpoint is in Pinhão, Portugal – via the nicest cars and hotels she can find, into Spain and on to Lisbon by train, stopping briefly to do a potwashing shift at a bar while listening to the most incredible fado music.
When she is recognised by one of the singers, she declines to perform. It’s bad enough doing it as a job, she tells the camera; how could she possibly get up the courage to sing in a bar in real life? It is a genuine moment of insight into the strange bifurcations of the mind. Her mother told us at the start of the show that she thinks being in All Saints destroyed her daughter’s confidence. Mothers – you may have heard – are always right.
What’s nice is that, well, it’s nice. There seems to have been a small outbreak of this in reality shows, with Netflix importing the Japanese hit Is She the Wolf? (a dating show so much gentler than it sounds); My Mum, Your Dad giving us an almost tender take on the Love Island format; and now this. In the race to the bottom, we have all been allowed to pause to catch our breath. It really is nice.
• Celebrity Race Across the World aired on BBC One and is on BBC iPlayer now.
