Do not adjust your sets, Manchester United have signed a defensive midfielder.
Not unlike the kind of hilarious storylines that 1960s audiences were used to getting from the British comedy series, the Red Devils had gone five years without bringing in an out-and-out No.6. Most prominently exposed during Ole Gunnar Solskjaer 's time as manager, the lack of a midfield linchpin has plagued Old Trafford in recent years. Nemanja Matic was the last man to securely hold the fort, but the Serbian's downfall with age wasn't sufficiently dealt with by Old Trafford's recruitment team.
Now Erik ten Hag is at the wheel, the Dutchman has only needed two Premier League matches to realise what he's missing and push his superiors to search in reinforcements. Turning to the transfer market in a last-ditch effort to save United's season before it's too late, Real Madrid stalwart Casemiro is now set to be their fourth signing of a rudderless summer transfer window.
With a deal reported to be worth up £60million for the Brazil international officially agreed and Casemiro en route for a medical, Ten Hag's hand has been forced after seeing Scott McTominay and Fred struggle in shock defeats to Brighton and Brentford. In both games, the duo's deficiencies were brutally exposed, with their inability to snuff out danger or prevent counter attacks put under the spotlight in the most damning fashion.
Brighton scored both of their goals in an historic 2-1 win at Old Trafford after bypassing the pair of hapless Red Devils. And at Brentford, Fred was seriously unprotected alongside the attack-minded Christian Eriksen, as Ten Hag had decided to drop McTominay - only to recall him at half-time once the Bees took an astounding 4-0 lead into the break.
Thankfully, there's a saviour on the horizon, someone whose bread and butter is to do exactly what 'McFred' can't. Casemiro has spent nine years in Madrid, and after a slow start to life in the Spanish capital he became one of their most reliable players. The 30-year-old has helped Los Blacos pick up a whopping five Champions League crowns and three La Liga titles with him at the base of their midfield, chiefly operating behind seasoned playmakers Luka Modric and Toni Kroos.
Despite being Brazilian, it's not his fancy footwork that earns him the most plaudits, but his tough-tackling, opponent-angering style of play which allows the superstars to do the rest. He's not ashamed of it either, as Casemiro proudly explained in an interview with Revista Panenka in February: "My function is to destroy, to be heavy, to cut out counter attacks.
Get involved! How should Ten Hag line up Man Utd when Casemiro arrives? Give us your XI in the comments section.
"Besides, there is a great difference between doing a foul and acting with malice. I always try to arrive at the ball. I go strong, of course. If I do damage to someone, it angers me. A foul is part of the game, but malice, never. They are the values my mother showed me. I am never going in to do damage nor insult a player."
It's not an understatement to say that his comments from midway through last season, as Real won a record 14th European Cup, will be music to Ten Hag's ears. It's taken far too long for United to find their heir to Matic, who wasn't even recruited as Michael Carrick 's long-term successor, given that the ex- Chelsea stalwart was already 28 when he was signed by Jose Mourinho.
So while Casemiro is costing Ten Hag's bosses a pretty penny, his much-needed qualities are priceless.
