As winter (black elastic-waisted trousers, four motheaten jumpers) gives way to spring (khaki trousers, two jumpers), the harsh April light forces me to confront the truth: I’m in aesthetic freefall. In search of a solution that isn’t capitulating to the “miracle” trousers that stalk me around the internet, I came across this bold statement on the website Refinery 29: “Just three words stand between you and figuring out personal style,” . What are they? “Move to Iona”? “Vast lottery win”? “Lydia Tár’s wardrobe”? (You’d need the former for the latter; I couldn’t even afford her pencils.)
Actually, the “three-word method”, devised by stylist Allison Bornstein, involves thinking up, yes, three words to describe your style. Then you can “ask yourself if you feel like you embody (ideally) all three of your words” when you get dressed and “interrogate whether it aligns with one of your words” when you are considering buying something.
I would like to actually have a personal style rather than grabbing whatever reaches the top strata of the removal box from 2021 that functions as my wardrobe. Sludge-coloured dishevelment is no longer charming, if indeed it ever was. Time, then, to choose my three words, one of which should be “practical”, one “aspirational” and one “emotional”.
Practical was easy: “stainproof” (half my clothes have been ruined by low-flying food). My aspirations are harder to encapsulate. I want to be a minimalist witch, Kristin Scott Thomas, a crow, a scandalously liberated 1930s heiress ... I settled on “glossy”, which made me sound like a pot of paint, leaving the emotional word with some heavy lifting to do. What conveys “take me seriously” but also “leave me alone”? I went for “calm” (also more an aspiration than achievable emotion).
So “stainproof glossy calm” is my new style mantra. The problem is it reminds me of What Three Words, the geolocation app that helps rescue teams and confused couriers find you. Now when I get dressed, I’m usually thinking “Help! I’m stuck in a crevice at ///stainproof.glossy.calm!” On the plus side, it does mean I’m wearing brighter tops, so mountain rescue can spot me. Mission accomplished, sort of?
• Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
