’Tis the season of the gift guide. They’re everywhere you look: 10 holiday presents for the dog enthusiast in your life! Fifteen great holiday ideas for the grumpy atheist in your life! Twelve cigar-themed knick-knacks you can buy your cigar-loving partner! And, of course, there are all the usual Him and Her gift guides. As one viral tweet put it: “There’s no funnier caricature of masculinity than the Him from ‘holiday gifts for him’. he doesn’t drink any liquid but whiskey. he’s got 20 watches on each wrist. if he saw a single texture other than leather he would throw one of his pocket knives at it.”
Now, I don’t normally do gift guides because I am a Serious Journalist who writes hard-hitting stories about pepper-spraying myself and cloning my dog. However, I’ll make an exception this year because, truly, we are spoiled for choice when it comes to completely bonkers conservative merchandise.
Donald Trump’s ascent in 2016 kicked off a boom in the extremism economy. The internet is littered with retailers like the Maga Mall and the Patriot Depot, selling everything from T-shirts with slogans like “Fully vaccinated by the blood of Jesus” to festive gun holsters. If you’re trying to find a holiday present for the far-right extremist in your life, the options are endless, so I’ve curated a helpful list.
‘Let’s Go Brandon’ wrapping paper
A couple of years ago, Brandon Brown was a mid-tier Nascar driver nobody except racing buffs had heard of. Due to a strange confluence of events, however (people yelling “fuck Joe Biden” at a race and a sports reporter trying to pretend the crowd was saying “let’s go Brandon”), he became a catchphrase in the culture wars. You can find Let’s Go Brandon bumper stickers, mugs, hats, cookies, condoms … you name it, some enterprising Maga entrepreneur has slapped “Let’s Go Brandon” on it. You can even wrap your Brandon bounty in “Let’s Go Brandon” wrapping paper. A Georgia company called Freedom Speaks Up claims it sold over 500,000 sq ft of the novelty wrapping paper last year and expects to double that number this year. “We’re having tons of fun with this, there’s no way to spend 20 bucks and get more smiles on Christmas morning,” the CEO said in a statement. Heartwarming stuff. This is what Christmas is all about, eh?
A Trump Maga Build the Wall construction set
The Maga crowd still seem to think it’s 2016 and can’t drop their Trumpy catchphrases. If you’d like a little throwback toy, how about a Build the Wall construction set for just $19.95? Sold by the Patriot Depot, it’s described as “the best-selling conservative toy of all time”. I’m not sure what data this is based on, but we’ll just go with it, shall we? The marketing blurb also claims that “the Left needed psychiatric help after seeing the Build the Wall set for the first time. They are furious that it’s back.” Yep, I’m triggered over here. Going to need to find a safe space stat.
I think it’s interesting that the Patriot Depot’s tagline is “supplies for the conservative revolution”. Apparently everyone’s going to be playing with knock-off Lego in the conservative revolution. Which, you know, doesn’t sound too bad.
A butt plug from Target
During a recent speech at the New York Young Republicans Club Gala, Marjorie Taylor Greene, the woman who once ranted about the “gazpacho police”, shared some unsolicited thoughts about sex toys. “By the way, you can pick up a butt plug or a dildo at Target and CVS nowadays,” the far-right Georgia congresswoman said. “I don’t even know how we got here … This is the state that we’re living in right now.” I’m not sure this was supposed to be a gift idea for Young Republicans, but some people interpreted it as such. “Sounds like someone’s giving her Secret Santa a hint!” Jimmy Kimmel joked.
Alex Jones’s conspiracy-theory-themed whiskey
Every celebrity in the world has a booze brand these days. George Clooney has a tequila company, Ryan Reynolds launched a gin brand, Matthew McConaughey collaborated on a bourbon. I could go on – at this rate it would be quicker to make a list of celebrities who haven’t plastered their names on a bottle of alcohol. Even D-list conspiracy theorists in trouble with the law are getting on the boozy bandwagon. Rumour has it that Alex Jones – the guy who was recently ordered to pay nearly $1.5bn in damages to the families of victims of the 2012 Sandy Hook elementary school mass shooting, after years of spreading lies about the tragedy on his Infowars show – will soon be releasing a whiskey. What’s it called? Conspiracy, of course.
A cute little Trumpy Bear
Trumpy Bear, a 22in-long stuffed toy with a Trump-style toupee, first appeared on the scene in 2017 with a completely absurd commercial. “When America is great, business is great,” says one man in the advert. “When business is great, I’m great. I love you, Trumpy Bear.” Because this was all completely deranged, everyone assumed the bear was fake. It was not. It was a real product that retailed for about $60 and flew off the shelves during the holidays. “They’re very popular gift items both for people who like and dislike the president,” an executive from the Trumpy Bear company told the Cut. If you missed out on getting your hands on one while Trump was in office, you’ll be glad to know the bear is still available. Presidents may come and go, but Trumpy Bear is for ever.
A subscription to the Guardian
Go on, trigger them. I dare you.
