Leo Hayter has put his cycling career "on pause" in order to deal with his mental health struggles, he revealed on Friday afternoon.
The Ineos Grenadiers rider, a former winner of the Baby Giro and Liège-Bastogne-Liège Under-23, wrote on X, formerly known as Twitter, that it was "unlikely" he would return to professional cycling this year, and that it was "not realistic" to continue with Ineos.
He wrote: "A lot of everyone have noticed that I have been absent again this year. Without going into too much detail, I have been struggling for some years now. Last May I was diagnosed with depression, and although those symptoms at first improved, I have found myself in that same place again. I broken down this year and I have not been training/racing for some time now."
In a lengthy blog post, the 23-year-old, the younger brother of Ethan Hayter, detailed his struggles with his mental health. He wrote of depressive episodes, anxiety shocks, and disordered eating.
"I have been struggling mentally the last five years," Hayter wrote. "It is something that for a long time I just 'dealt with'. I assumed I was just lazy, I lacked motivation."
He said that he hit an "all-time low" in May last year, which saw him unable to leave his apartment, after which he was diagnosed with depression.
"I took a break from cycling, started medication, and was told I wasn’t expected to race again last year, but I quite quickly felt better," he said,
"I ended up returning to the Tour of Guangxi at the end of the season, everything seemed on track. I was in the best place mentally and physically that I had been in for a very long time. I had a good off season, but as soon as I came back to training those same negative perceptions and thoughts came back.
"Before the teams December training camp I went into full panic mode, I could barely leave my bed," he continued. "I was embarrassed that I wasn’t going to be at the camp at the level I wanted to be at. I didn’t really sleep any of these days, I didn’t train either. I break down into my own bubble, I don’t respond to anyone and leave my phone on silent. It’s like I feel that I am letting people down, and that I can’t even control my own actions."
Hayter then reached "breaking point" before the Tour de Hongrie this year, after which he has not raced.
"The whole journey there I was repeatedly having anxiety shocks," he wrote. "I couldn’t concentrate on anything. At the airport I was told I didn’t need to race but I was determined. I put a poker face on, I went, and I rode ok. On return I was exhausted.
"I knew I couldn’t keep going as I was, but I also knew if I stopped to take a step back then realistically my career was in jeopardy. I spent days, weeks completely stuck. In the end I’m in a similar position now then I was those few months ago."
"Something like this is not something that can be changed overnight, I am going through therapy currently but it’s a process," Hayter said. "I’ve already done some sessions with a therapist that didn’t work out, so it’s back to square one. I’m very lucky to have access to the world’s leading psychologists through the team, so I will be working closely with them over the next period.
"It’s unlikely I will race again this year. There’s still time, and I could do it, but in hindsight it wasn’t a good choice to come back last year either.
"I’ve always had this thought process in my head that getting fitter and thinner made me happier, but it just covers up the real problem. As soon as I’m set back my negative thoughts come back, getting fitter is like putting a plaster over a wound that needs stitches."
"At the moment my future in cycling also unclear," Hayter wrote. "In this moment it's unrealistic to continue as a professional cyclist so i will not be riding for Ineos next year. When I can get in the right place of mind there’s nothing I enjoy more. It’s like an addiction to me. That’s what makes It feel so painful that I can’t do it in this moment. I have everything I’ve ever wanted, but I’m still not happy.
"Whatever happens, my cycling career is not done. Just on pause. I owe it to myself and to everyone who has worked so hard for me the last 10 years to get me to where I am."
Even writing the blog post, Hayter said, was an incredible struggle.
"I have always worried about people’s perception of me," he wrote. "Now it’s at a point that it just ends up debilitating me. What if I go out and see someone I know? What if they ask where I’ve been? What if they think I’ve put weight on? What if they think I’m lazy? That’s the kind of thing that runs through my head, in every situation.
"It means that I distance myself from, everyone. I’ve lost so many great friends the last years, not because we fell out, but just because I distanced myself from them when I’m struggling. People will text me to ask how I’m doing, and I just can’t respond. What am I supposed to say? At what point have I said bad or shit too many times? Will they think less of me if I’m struggling?"
Hayter expressed thanks to his girlfriend, his support team, Ineos, and others in the post.
"I’m hoping writing this and making it public, will make it easier to contact my friends, see people, do normal things," he concluded. "I haven’t been cycling for the last months, but I haven’t been living either.
"Hopefully I can update you all in the near future with something more positive. I will be back racing again at the top level of cycling, I’m just not sure when yet. But when I do, I’ll be ready."
Read Leo Hayter's full account here: www.leohaytercycling.com.
In the UK, Mind offer a suite of resources if you are struggling with your mental health. Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org.
